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To think its daft to worry about being a MIL to sons wives but not to worry about being a MIL to daughters husbands? (Inspired by another thread - not a thread about a thread)

(101 Posts)
Salmotrutta Sat 04-Jan-14 22:16:47

Why is it just future/present DIL who seem to cause the angst?

Why do most people on here worry about them but not present/future sons-in-law?

A son-in-law could be just as awful surely?

(Mine is lovely and is a great DH and dad)

mathanxiety Mon 06-Jan-14 04:27:12

OP -- I do understand that sometimes there are total breakdowns in inlaw relationships but I'm talking more about the "I can't stand my MIL because she gives my children sweets/criticises my dusting/sniffs at my cooking"

It's exactly that sort of petty, stupid, rude, thoughtless, and unnecessary comment that makes for deep and permanent rifts.

Would you speak your mind so freely to your MIL about her dusting or her cooking or other things she has managed on her own for many years? In what parallel universe is any of that acceptable?

If you spoke to others like that, in their own homes, what response would you anticipate?
If you fed someone's pet something they had asked you not to feed it, how do you think they would feel?

Would you choose as a friend someone who behaved like this?

HungryHorace Sun 05-Jan-14 20:18:09

My SiL threatened to turn up at the hospital once she'd been told I was in labour. I'd already decided that I wasn't letting on to anybody that I was labouring. That comment cemented my resolve in the matter!

Salmotrutta Sun 05-Jan-14 19:36:22

I don't understand this business of every man and his dog turning up at the hospital confused

I certainly didn't see any point in me going when DD was in labour (second time I was babysitting the older one anyway) - what on earth would DH or I have contributed!

HungryHorace Sun 05-Jan-14 19:27:45

I refused to tell anyone I was in labour. That stopped people a) wondering what was happening and b) just pitching up if we didn't update them as soon as they'd have liked.

Luckily my DH was supportive when I said I wanted radio silence!

Salmotrutta Sun 05-Jan-14 19:25:10

Oh god no - I certainly didn't want all and sundry at the birth!

Mind you, 30 years ago the Grandparents just hung at home waiting for the call to announce the birth.

There was none of this pitching up at the maternity unit shock

HungryHorace Sun 05-Jan-14 18:39:24

Oh, and I certainly didn't want anybody else at the birth itself. As it was I ended up being heavily monitored, culminating in an EMCS, so it was only DH anyway.

Next time (I'm 8 weeks' pregnant) it's likely to be an ELCS anyway, so only DH again, for the whole day. Just the way I like it. :-)

Boaty Sun 05-Jan-14 18:32:07

<High fives Hungry > Exactly!!
DH put in me that position, it was up to him to support me! grin Otherwise I wanted medical support.
I don't have a sister but can't see myself ever wanting other relatives there weird imo
and I had a traumatic birth with DS1 by the way!!

fluffyraggies Sun 05-Jan-14 18:27:02

Well - no, you're right ... in all total honesty i don't actually find the presence of my mother much comfort either! grin and wanted neither her or my MIL by my side. I just wanted DH.

But many of my friends are very close to their mothers, as indeed is my SIL, and i can see their POV.

HungryHorace Sun 05-Jan-14 18:25:27

I wouldn't want my mum or my MiL in that situation, Boaty.

I'd accept my sister or my best friend, who happens to be a midwife, but that's it apart from DH.

As neither of those is local, it's DH only for me!

Boaty Sun 05-Jan-14 18:22:36

I'd be very surprised if my DS wanted me round if they were in that position..grin
I don't get why women would want their mums..but that's another story

fluffyraggies Sun 05-Jan-14 18:14:10

boaty the comments about 'not wanting people you don't know around you' are about the first few hours after birth.

If my DH had just undergone major trauma involving his genitals and was leaking milk from his breasts and bleeding profusely from his penis i would respect his wishes at that time to have his mother beside his bed and not mine.

Boaty Sun 05-Jan-14 17:55:39

For those of you who say you married the man not the family, you don't want people you don't know round you etc
Don't forget then the situation can be viewed in reverse, he married/lives with you not your family, why should your DH/DP have to put up with YOUR family, around HIS takes two people to produce children, those children have, in most cases, two sets of family.
Yes, I get completely that some PIL are not conducive to good relationships but equally some SIL/DIL are neither.
Poor situations are sad for all concerned. It takes give and take and understanding with a good dose of hard work to make any relationship work.

HungryHorace Sun 05-Jan-14 17:09:13

I also don't think of my in laws as family, and apart from my MiL, they don't treat me as family either (I do treat her no different to my mum). However, we live in DH's home town and not mine.

I think they struggle with me because I'm not like them. They're a big family who would spend all day, every day with each other if it were possible, whereas even if I'm in the same town as my family, we don't always tend to see each other that often. Which means that I'm not bothered about seeing my in laws too often.

I try to see MiL with our DD at least once a week, but sometimes that slips to 10-14 days. Not because I'm barring access, time just runs away with me and I don't always feel that sociable! If I was local to my family, the same would be true. I don't differentiate.

DH still deals with his family's birthday presents and on his side we do a secret Santa so we only buy one adult present.

Ultimately I'm just very different to them with a very different upbringing and I think we all struggle with how the other/s is / are.

Shitehawke Sun 05-Jan-14 17:06:21

So unless the mil is truly awful, I am expected to give up my privacy so they can get their new-baby fix?? Just lie there in a damp patch of blood and milk being looked at like I'm in a zoo??

LucilleBluth Sun 05-Jan-14 16:56:46

It's all fucking hyperbole......exceptions being truly awful MILs, which I have said all along.

.......and I'm not talking about any particular poster in my replies.

fluffyraggies Sun 05-Jan-14 16:46:06

''*I have had 3 DCs each with varying degrees of difficulty and have still managed to show off my babies to their paternal grandparents. My Mil and Fil arriving at the hospital armed with flowers to see their grandchild are precious memories for me.''*

Oh well done you! I too have had 3 DCs, each with varying degrees of difficulty. How do you know what attitude my PILs turned up with? How do you know i was in a hospital? How do you know anything about except YOUR OWN CIRC.s?

Me me me. hmm

I don;t want to leak and bleed in front of a woman i hardly know.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Sun 05-Jan-14 16:21:49

I'm glad you find the bleeding/leaking hilarious, if mine lived round the corner would be fine, but when it involves them staying over on the sofas as we have no spare room, before, during and after birth, I can assure you it's not funny, then not lifting a finger but wanting to sit on said sofa nestling baby while I "fix them a brew" ... Ha laugh a minute, really makes you welcome them the next time, especially when they think a good time to leave is 10pm or involves not even clearing up after themselves and moaning they didn't get enough photo opportunities (it's not a Hello shoot moment)...

So some of us do find it difficult, but to be honest I'm a private person and wouldn't want my own family there that long, some people, pil or not, don't have a clue how to not cross boundaries or act normally

LucilleBluth Sun 05-Jan-14 16:12:58

My DH has a wonderful relationship with his mother, he will phone her to have a moan about work or to ask for advice, I wouldn't dream of coming between their relationship. I get on really well with her too.

I'm also doubting the quantity of MILs who want to be in the delivery room, I'm sure there are some but certainly not the majority, and I love this ' I don't want MIL there while I'm bleeding, leaking etc'.......I have had 3 DCs each with varying degrees of difficulty and have still managed to show off my babies to their paternal grandparents. My Mil and Fil arriving at the hospital armed with flowers to see their grandchild are precious memories for me.

BohemianGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 15:44:20

Which is ok till your DW and DM(MIL) fall out then its back to mummies boy and he should disown his family.

I'll throw that one right back out there - all I read on here is ""My child never stops being my child, I'll always be there fore them"" and adult children are being spoken about.

MN is a peculiar place - its ok to helicopter parent your own child until they are 47, but if one of your childrens relationships falls apart and the other person has parental support they become "mummies boys"" (BTW, in the real world, I know an awful lot of very indulged spoiled needy "daddies girls"" and amazingly no "mummies boys"")>

I'll state it again - a man who has respect for and treats his own mother well will treat you with respect also.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 05-Jan-14 15:37:08

""Marry a man who treats his mother well, because he will treat you the same"

^^ One of the best pieces of advice I was given."

Which is ok till your DW and DM(MIL) fall out then its back to mummies boy and he should disown his family.

it also doesn't take in to account toxic parents.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Sun 05-Jan-14 15:16:23

You marry the man, not the family, served my parents very well, never had an issues, however some mil's seem to think you are giving up your own identity to take on their families and I'm afraid most women are not up for that, however nice she may be I hardly know the woman, having her witness me bleeding, leaking, or her having a key to my house etc isn't somewhere I would go

Boaty Sun 05-Jan-14 15:05:34

I'm sure the DIL I have mother does worry about her relationship with my her shoes I would be!
In her shoes I would also have been horrified that she seriously ever thought my DS would be the ideal man to have DC with.

This makes me very sad as his mother but it is true.

He is actually very good with the DC, and she does acknowledge this, when he is allowed access but he is/was a lousy partner!

I would also expect my DD to understand that when you choose a man who has more red flags than you can shake you need as much support as possible and blaming his mother when she is trying to support both her son and his family is not in anyones interest.

I do have a DD by the way, she has a lovely BF, he treats her wonderfully and I have never worried. They may eventually have DC and I have no worries that his mother will be anything other than supportive.

lainiekazan Sun 05-Jan-14 15:00:07

Well, of course I don't want my dd to end up with an unpleasant husband/partner who treats her badly. That and a thousand other unfortunate scenarios.

But in these threads the worry is that the dd/ds finds someone they want to be with but that person wants you airbrushed out of the picture.

Salmotrutta Sun 05-Jan-14 14:23:15

No Today - I am specifically wondering why women on here don't worry about the future with regards to who their daughters might pair up with!

The threads are always from MNers worrying about who their sons marry in the future

fluffyraggies Sun 05-Jan-14 14:20:51

As i said earlier, on the whole it's the women in the family who do much of the co-ordination/communication/organisation - whatever you want to call it. IME the blokes just don't do much go-betweening between families the way women do.

Also the issue of treating your MIL the same as your mother can be difficult. Example: It's the woman who goes through child birth and all that it entails and therefore the woman who is likely to feel less than welcoming to all in those first few days. Neither my XH or my DH would have been bothered by whom was in the room while i was breast feeding/bleeding/crying - of course not. But it bothered me. I only wanted those i felt really comfortable with. And as much as i love my MIL i don't feel comfy with the idea of her seeing me leaking and weeping all over the place just hours after i've given birth. If that automatically means that i don't think of her as family, then so be it. I cant help that.

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