Aggggggggggh

[Pixiedustaway]

Not a mil thread but a mother thread! My parents live overseas, I went to see them over the Xmas with DS, dd (5&2 years) and dh. I'll try not to waffle... My father hasn't been well and my mother has not been coping with his illnesses very well. She has become increasingly difficult to deal with namely because she cannot go out when she pleases and is a bit tied down looking after him. She is very bossy,demanding,spoilt and is prone to having tantrums if she doesn't get her way. My first afternoon with them, she scoots off within 2 minutes of us arriving to have her hair done, and doesn't reappear until about 5 mins before we are leaving!
Anyway the next day she wanted to buy more crap for the kids to take back with them which I asked her not to. The following day she starts off whining, why didn't I buy another bag so that she could fill it for them. I nicely explained that I had 3 suitcases 4 pieces of hand luggage , a buggy, 2 kids and a dh to look after and I wasn't going to get another bag to fill. So the sulking begins. Then she wanted me to take a photo of the kids in front of her fireplace which was boiling hot( she just switched the fake fire off). I said no because dd will probably want to explore the fireplace etc and is too hot.... She was like a dog with a bone so I snapped a little and said it was my child and I didn't want to do it. So she leaves the room and goes to her bedroom and my father follows. After a while I go to try to make peace and she called me a fucking bitch! Classy. We were going home the next day and so told her I wouldn't be back nor would she see the gc again. Said she didn't care. I went for a walk and for my sister and father's sake apologised( grrr with myself) and she was like the cat with the cream when I did...she never said anything about being so vile to me tho. I have not heard from her since that was New Year's Eve. Should I just not bother? Aibu should I have been more of a doormat with her?

[SingingTunelessly]

You sound U. Your mum is probably stressed through looking after your dad? One photo by the fireplace would hardly have hurt would it. And as for going NC ..... Words fail me tbh.

[VoteYes]

You both sound a bit childish to be honest.

[WaffilyVersatile]

Take a nice photo of your kids together and send it to her with a letter asking her how she is getting on caring for your dad and whether you and your sister can do anything to help..

Lifes way way way too short. Oh and use paragraphs (please!)

[Shakey1500]

YAB a bit U. She was probably desperate for a break, wanted to buy the GC's things and have a few photos. Hardly crime of the century?

Is your DH unwell? As in, you mention you had him to look after also.

[Guitargirl]

I think you are being unreasonable and sound a bit mean.

Why do you have to look after your DH?

[Pixiedustaway]

Doesn't sound great when written down tbh:) thanks for the feedback

[justkeeponsmiling]

Your mother called you a fucking bitch? I'm sorry but I would be horrified and heartbroken if any of my relatives called me that, especially my own mum. Don't care how childish/bad anyone may or may not behaved leading up to it. This would be a total dealbreaker for me and I definitely wouldn't want my children around a grandmother who calls other people a fucking bitch, lest of all their own mum.

[Gruntfuttock]

I agree with you justkeeponsmiling it is completely unacceptable. Did anyone else hear her call you that?

[Gruntfuttock]

Sorry, that should've read "Did anyone else hear her call you that, OP?"

[Pixiedustaway]

my father heard it all! Lovely for him ( not). He was amazing with me but said nothing to her at the time. Whether or not he tackled it afterwards I don't know! What shocked me most was that it was delivered with such venom!

[Mrswellyboot]

I don't think your childish and I kind of get the picture. I think your mum likes the shopping and a good time but has been hit with a reality check and is struggling.

I think it is 50 50 here, she shouldn't have said those words but it is probably worse to say she will never see her grandchildren. That is awful.

I am not trying to be hard on you but maybe it is up to you to make amends. You don't have to pander to every need, but be a bit kinder.

[Mrswellyboot]

You're

[Pixiedustaway]

Thanks all for responding.

[Gruntfuttock]

I wouldn't contact her first. Your mother owes you an apology. She knows it and your father knows it.

[Adeleh]

She owes you an apology. You apologised re gc comment, and she'd been massively provocative before that. Quite rude to go out or the afternoon when you'd travelled quite a distance to see her. Even if she is having a hard time at the moment, she is out of order. She may think twice about behaving badly again if she's called up on it. Of ourselves she may also take it out on your Dad, which is worth bearing in mind too. What did your sister think about it all?

[Adeleh]

Of course. Not of ourselves. Bloody ipad.

[drbonnieblossman]

was this the final nail in the coffin for you? I only ask as on the face of it, her requests aren't unreasonable and she is bearing the majority of your dad's care. But if there's history between you and your mum, she may niggle you, reduce your patience and generally make you feel crap. That's not easy to just let go of, regardless of what's happening with your dad.

my mum never apologises. I always do but there does come a point where you're olive-branched-out.

I think some distance would be good for you. leave the ball in her court to get in touch. that way, you may be less likely to be on the receiving end of something which upsets you - just the tone of my mother's arsey voice is enough to ruin my day and make me feel stressed. if your mum calls because she wants to find out how all are, it'll be easier to clear the site.

[drbonnieblossman]

Air, not site.

[Pixiedustaway]

Yes there is a history between us! She is very critical of me and my other siblings. It drives my dh nuts as she is always speaking highly of other people's children, yet does not have a nice word to say about her own children.
I'm always stressed when I go visit as Ds has mulit

[Pixiedustaway]

Gah dumb iPhone!
Ds has multiple allergies which I have spoken/ explained about a lot, but I get the feeling that she doesn't really take it that seriously as she always makes the same complaint that she cannot have xyz whilst we are there. If she cannot restrain herself from certain food for a few hours.... What's the point?
We bought an iPad for her so that she could build more of a relati

[Pixiedustaway]

Relationship with my kids using Skype but she seems to find any excuse not to learn how to use Skype! I give up!

[CombineBananaFister]

Sounds like small irritations on the face of it but if she has form for being controlling and spitting her dummy out if she doesn't get her own way then I can see maybe why you'd reached a limit.

YANBU - with the fucking bitch thing, is awful

I would say that you should never, ever use access to your kids as a bargaining tool, though.

[natwebb79]

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU. Despite going through a difficult time there really is no excuse for a grown adult to act like such a petulant child and call their own child such a vile name. That paired with the denying her grandchild's allergies and kicking up a stink. I think I would have said 'see you again when you behave like a decent human being'. But then I have little patience with people acting like tosspots.

[lunar1]

It can be very draining being a carer, how much time does she get to herself? If you ate also a carer for your dh maybe you were just both at the end of your tether.