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to still not want to fork out to attend relatives wedding?

(93 Posts)
CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:04:31

My sister plans to get married abroad. She initially said she wants my dd to be bridesmaid. I am on benefits which she knows but she thinks by giving people a couple of years notice to save then its OK.

She was talking about packages for the wedding which include ten guests. I asked her if dd would be paid for (under this package thing) and she just laughed and of course not, she is fully expecting me to pay about 3k for the for of us to attend her wedding because we have notice to save. We are currently trying to saves house deposit which is a damn site more important than a wedding.

Now the place has changed and its even more expensive and further away. She is also having it in term to e and we have an older child at school.

I have recently found out I am getting a decent inheritance and would easily be able to afford to attend but I actually don't want to use the money for that. I don't want to take ds out of school and get fined, it's also not somewhere you can incorporates family holiday, otherwise I would have done it tbh.

Aibu to not want to spend the money on this even though its my sister? Ultimately all the family that she wants there will save up and go, the ones who can't, she's not so bothered about anyway.

NatashaBee Sat 04-Jan-14 21:36:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:37:32

joules yes they are. Our other siblings are going, one parent, aunts and cousins and some close family friends.

CSI its OK though because we have notice to safe wink.

I explained before its unlikely we would be able to do this. Her df was very understanding. I'm not sure sis quite gets it though. She keeps throwing prices at me saying how reasonable it is (for one person, she conveniently forgets to times it by four). Has been no other mention of dd being bridesmaid, I honestly think she thinks I may save up the money. I've never really had the intention to do so.

Not 100% but i'm sure a hen do abroad was also mentioned at one point!

HermioneWeasley Sat 04-Jan-14 21:37:56

Tell her now thT you are saving to buy a house and won't be attending.

Electryone Sat 04-Jan-14 21:38:59

It never ceases to amaze me the problems that some people create because they take the hump that people cant afford or dont want to travel abroad for their wedding.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:39:45

Good point Natasha. Our wedding didn't cost that much either!

I will be standing firm, don't worry, if there is something I don't want to do, then you've got no chance of getting me to do it grin.

Weeantwee Sat 04-Jan-14 21:40:18

I wouldn't go, or expect a guest to pay that much to attend if it was my wedding. Your sister should be prepared to pay for the guests if she is insistent on them being there.

VoteYes Sat 04-Jan-14 21:44:34

YANBU, good luck telling your Sister though, she sounds like she's hard work.

Catsize Sat 04-Jan-14 21:44:42

If I chose to get married abroad, I would pay for my guests to attend. I would not expect anyone to pay for my choice. I couldn't afford to do this, so I wouldn't get married abroad. Simples.

poisonedbypen Sat 04-Jan-14 21:49:46

SIL got married in about 5 years ago in Oz & we were invited. We could afford it & made a 3 week holiday out of it. DD was a bridesmaid but we were a little surprised to find she was only invited to the wedding, not the reception. 12,000 miles to go to church for 45 minutes. We were presented with a nanny to babysit (which we paid handsomely for, of course). We had a great holiday, anyway grin

Viviennemary Sat 04-Jan-14 21:51:07

I know it's your sister but she has made the choice to get married in a far away place. So it's quite reasonable if you don't want to spend a fortune on attending the wedding.

Madambossyboots Sat 04-Jan-14 21:52:48

Agree with everyone else. I would tell her soon so she can arrange another bridesmaid tho.
Saving for a house is far far more important. Not only that but it's the principle, why should you pay to attend? No no no no I wouldn't be doing that.

clippityclop Sat 04-Jan-14 21:54:48

Don't feel guilty, just tell her you're saving up for a house. Invite her round for a nice dinner whne she gets back so you can see the photos. Does she know you're coming into money? If she doesn't don't tell her.

fiverabbits Sat 04-Jan-14 21:56:01

When my niece got married in 1993 we as a family spent £300 to attend. She had rang and said we would like family there even though we hadn't seen or heard from her for years so we thought we should attend. It took us a year to save the money. We have never heard or seen her since. My other niece got married abroad, she didn't expect us to go but they would have a party when they came back, they did but we wasn't invited. When another niece got married 200 miles away I worked it out that it would cost us £1000 with travel, hotel, clothes for four even though we had gone to her sister's wedding 11 years before we just couldn't afford it and didn't go. Weddings can be expensive for guests so the bride and groom should take this in to account.

DontmindifIdo Sat 04-Jan-14 21:56:15

Tell her now not you are unlikely to save up that much but that "there is no way we will have enough money for us to go to see you get married if you chose to get married abroad. Don't plan on any of us being there unless you pay for it, we will not be able to find the money to go without making sacrifices to my children's standard of living for the next 2 years."

complaints that you could save it if you wanted too should be met with: "I know your wedding is the most important thing for you, but it's not for my children, and I don't think it's fair to make them go without now, in order for you to have your dream wedding. You might have to make a choice, if you want to have an overseas wedding, me and the children won't be there. I'm not saying you can't have the overseas wedding, but you can't have it and have me there. And I don't mind not going if the location is what is important to you."

Complaints from family should be met with "I've made it clear it's her choice, we can't afford to go. If she or you want to pay for us to go, I'll go, but I can't afford it without making sacrifices for my whole family that I don't want to make."

But most importantly, set out your stall now, if you say you "might not" be able to afford it, in bride-world, she'll hear "might not, might do". Don't say it'll be tricky, because that's something you can do with a little work. Say clearly and firmly that you can't, and that won't change. Don't let her make her plans thinking that you probably will be talked round, or will find the money some how and then get upset closer to the date. Say it clearly, she's making the choice to get married abroad, she's making the choice to get married without you there.

HesterShaw Sat 04-Jan-14 21:56:24

Don't go then.

Tell her why.

ShadowFall Sat 04-Jan-14 22:00:34


That's a huge amount of money to spend on going to a wedding, even one you really want to go to.

IMO, if someone chooses to get married abroad, then they've just got to face the fact that not everyone will be able to afford to attend, regardless of how much notice they've given.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 22:02:42

She doesn't know i'm coming into money and i'm not planning on telling her as then she will say that we can afford it as it's 'only £xxxx'.

You're right, I need to make it clear now so she knows that dd won't be bridesmaid. I'd love to see her be bm but i'm not prepared to fork out that sort of money, and that's without travel to and from airports, passports, visas, present, clothes and all the rest of it!

procrastinatingagain Sat 04-Jan-14 22:23:14

I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if I had decided to get married far away from home. I suppose I'd feel grateful if anyone was willing to fork to travel to see me get married. I certainly wouldn't be dictating to people that they had to come! I might even be thinking that I'd pay for my close relatives myself. Op, I wouldn't go if I were you.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 22:29:51

I think the thing that clinched it for me was the fact that she wants dd as bm but won't entertain the idea of covering the cost of her in the included wedding guests. No idea who she would include in this but I have a feeling its people who can afford to pay and who would anyway so that does hurt a bit when she is fully aware thatthat we can't afford it.

And she's getting pissed off with people asking her when she's going to have !driving lessons (because she can't afford it!).

SJBean Sat 04-Jan-14 22:31:01

I had almost exactly the same problem with my DSis. The venue was a remote island off the coast of Thailand. It was going to cost us (me and DH plus 3yr old DD1 and 1yr old DD2) £6,000 to go and that was only for a week! To add to this she then announced that the children wouldn't be invited to the actual wedding (but they could come with us for the rest of the time to 'enjoy' a family holiday!) Err - A. It wouldn't be somewhere we would go for family holiday with a 24hr journey with tiny children and B. Who the hell was going to look after them during the wedding???!!!

She then suggested we come on our own to enjoy some well deserved 'us' time, a break away from the kids! Yes maybe for a weekend to France or somewhere or in 15 years time further afield when their much bigger but to leave them for a week whilst we went to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!! She just didn't get it.

It was very difficult for my not to come across as saying it's either me or a wedding in Thailand (I am maid of honour) but in the end I genuinely and sincerely said that she should not compromise on the wedding she wanted and should have it in Thailand but I would not be there and I had to be really firm about that.

Their plans have since changed but it was a real dilemma for quite a few weeks.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 22:34:52

Wow that is VU of your sis!

I don't understand why people choose to get married abroad then wonder why people don't want to pay that much money to attend a wedding. I'd never have the nerve to ask people in the first place.

WooWooOwl Sat 04-Jan-14 22:48:33

Some brides are crazy. I've had a similar situation with a friend who got married in the Caribbean. She didn't see that cost would be an issue for anyone because she gave them 18 months to save. The fact that we had other things to save for and other holiday destinations we might want to go to just didn't enter her head at all.

None of the friends she invited wanted to spend that much money on going, and she was really upset about it, and it got quite awkward because she seemed to think we were all out of order for still having nights out when we could have been putting the money in our 'someone else's wedding fund'. She doesn't see any of us much any more, and the whole thing soured the friendship.

I understand that she was disappointed none of her friends went, especially as two of her DHs friends went, but our presence clearly wasn't as important to her as the beach ceremony so she made her choice.

clara26 Sat 04-Jan-14 22:50:28

Personally I'd rather get married in my local registry office and have my siblings there than go abroad and cost them a fortune (unless we were all loaded -we're not) to me the most important things in life are people.

I've had to turn down a few foreign hen dos before due to cost.

mameulah Sat 04-Jan-14 22:53:01

Absolutely do not go. Expecting someone to pay £3000 (or any amount actually) to celebrate their occasion is really rude and selfish. If someone attends your occasion they are giving your their time, anything above and beyond that should be their choice. Presents etc. Celebrating someone else's special day should not leave you skint.

Sallyingforth Sat 04-Jan-14 22:57:25

That's bloody selfish of her. She has no right at all to expect people to spend a fortune to follow her around the world.
You do realise that this is a way for her to get a 'free' wedding? When you organise a package for 10+ people, at least one person goes free as a discount. And she'll expect a present as well.
Tell the greedy cow that you are not going and she can pay for her own wedding.

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