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My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

(179 Posts)
eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 21:57:51

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

lifesgreatquestions Fri 03-Jan-14 22:11:45

If I were at a wedding talking to someone and learned that their partner was home with their new born, unless they flew in and out the same day so add to just literally be there to support the friend, I have to admit I would be a little critical of them.

Smartiepants79 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:12:13

Agree with the point about the logistics of passports etc. especially as it will be during a very busy period (summer)
Personally there would have been no way I would have wanted to travel anywhere, let alone abroad with my 4 week old first born. I felt like I'd been put through a washing machine for about 6 weeks afterwards.
You have no idea what is going to happen or even when this baby will be born. Making plans like that is probably not a good idea.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 03-Jan-14 22:14:17

You might get a passport for the baby in time but it would be tight.

If flights were relatively cheap I would let him book one now with the understanding that if you needed him at home when it came to it, he would just lose the money.

Don't feel hurt, it is not necessarily evidence of his commitment to fatherhood, just that the baby is a very abstract concept to him just now!

Good luck with your pregnancy flowers

GlaikitInAPearTree Fri 03-Jan-14 22:14:33

Seriously hippo?? You would be happy with the father of your new born fucking off for a jolly leaving you at home? You are a better person than me.

Op a month after my due date, ds was only 2 weeks old. I had a cs, was still bleeding, couldn't get out of bed without help and needed help in and out of the shower. I would not have wanted "friends and family" doing those things for me.

Add into that bfing and you need you DP there for you. I dong thing you are overreacting at all. In fact you are being very sensible, where you DP has no sense of what is about to hit him!

PollyCazaletWannabe Fri 03-Jan-14 22:15:26

YANBU, your DP is insane! Just say no.

TaraLott Fri 03-Jan-14 22:17:29

Of course he's naïve, he's not a Dad yet, I'd say leave it til nearer the time, if you're late he maybe won't be able to go anyway depending on when in next August it is.
But if you're ok and have your Mum nearby, I'd be inclined to say to him to go for a few days.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:20:35

Thank you everyone for your responses ! Good to know I'm not alone in thinking it's a bit of an unrealistic/undesirable idea.... And I didn't know about the passport...I figured it'd be the kind of thing where you just have to wait and see how the birth goes and how I find being a new mother, how my body is recovering etc. I can't imagine it being very pleasant queueing in the airport/on a place with a teeny baby and still bleeding/uncomfortable if that is the case.

But no worries GirlWithA Dirty Shirt - I understand what you're trying to say - I definitely agree with your sentiment of 'life doesn't end when you have a baby', I'd be quite happy to consider going if the baby was maybe 3 or 4 months old...but I think it'd just be too soon.

It is a pretty good friend although not a best friend...he saw him and his fiance in August this year when he was in France (without me as I was working and unable to get time off work). I don't think it's a very formal wedding...they're a bit of a hippy couple as I understand so we could leave it til baby is born to confirm.

Also we don't have a lot of money and a last minute flight to south of france in August would be £250+ just for him, then add on transfers, food, accomodation...I can't help but think it's just a bit extravagant and we should save our money for something more sensible or at least for when we can all go on holiday as a family. If he goes on his own, it'll probably mean we feel we can't do another trip with the baby for a while, as after every holiday or long weekend away we're always reeling at how much extra it cost than we thought it would !

Thanks everyone for info about passport, bleeding etc...thanks for your support. I think he will feel differently when the baby comes too...I just need to not take it personally and not get too uptight about it now.

TaraLott Fri 03-Jan-14 22:21:00

Could your Mum stay over with you while he's away?

thenightsky Fri 03-Jan-14 22:21:26

DH got sent away on business for 5 days by his horrible boss when DD was only 1 week old. I wouldn't choose it for a leisure break!


gwenniebee Fri 03-Jan-14 22:22:32

We flew when my dd was 6 weeks old, and had her passport well in time for us not to be panicking (it took about two weeks to turn around, so the comment above that says they take a month is not necessarily true). However, she had a name within minutes of arrival and was registered straight away. Taking pics of her that fit the bill was funny interesting.

That's just the passport malarkey dealt with.

How long is there between the latest possible arrival date for your baby and the wedding? If it's possible that the baby will only be two weeks old then you'd be silly to entertain the idea, and certainly I would have liked dh to stay at home with me. If he/she may be six weeks old by then you'll probably cope, especially with help from your mum as you mentioned. I took dd aged five weeks for her first visit to her grandparents' house as dh was away on a stag do. I'd hoped she would be older but she was late! It was a good opportunity to convince myself I could manage.

Am rambling too much red wine but what I want to say is that if you give him your blessing to go, I'm sure you'll be fine! If you feel very strongly that you don't want him to, then I think he should support you and stay.

Justforlaughs Fri 03-Jan-14 22:22:37

I am really, genuinely shock at the number of people who think he is out of order/ mad. I can't see why this is such a big deal. I would hate my DH to miss a good friends wedding because he didn't want to leave me. You'll have had a baby. He's not going to miss the birth, he's not going for weeks on end, if you feel up to it you can even go with him - the passport shouldn't be an issue tbh. If you are worried, look into it now.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:23:24

Oh and also my Mum is not exactly nearby....she lives 3 hours away and would have to arrange for someone to take care of her dog, as we have cats. She'd definitely come if I needed her, but I'd rather not HAVE to rely on her if you know what I mean.

IDontDoIroning Fri 03-Jan-14 22:26:52

It will be virtually impossible to get a passport for baby unless they are a few weeks early but it will be the summer and peak holiday time and there may be an impact on processing times. So I can't see you and baby being able to go in any case.

You could go early/ overdue which could mean you would have anything from a month old plus to 2 week old.

You don't know at this stage what kind of birth you or the baby will have.
If you go on your due date and have a straightforward birth you will probably still be bleeding but hopefully you will have established breast feeding. You may have a more medicalised birth (forceps/ ventouse etc) or a section. I've had forceps /epi/ tear/ stitches and it was still sore for many weeks after but I was mostly back to normal after a month. Not sure about a section as I've never had one but it is major surgery and lifting standing might be difficult so you may need some support.

I would suggest you decline but if possible your dh doesn't commit ( if possible) and doesn't book/ pay for any tickets or accommodation.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:31:34

Baby due July 2nd and wedding on August 18th or 22nd...can't remember which he said. Obviously it's a case of wait and see when baby comes and how it all goes. I guess I've just been a bit upset at how casual he was about thinking he was just free to go without really considering that he will have a very new baby at home and a partner needing support...emotional/practical etc. I'm sure he'll re-think when baby comes but it just made me question whether he was taking his responsibility seriously. Maybe pregnancy hormones making me oversensitive which is why I just wanted to get other Mumsnetters opinions as to whether they thought it was normal/practical for a new Dad to go away for a few days when his partner's just given birth, or whether I was just worrying too much.

maddening Fri 03-Jan-14 22:35:38

give him 48 hours enough time to attend a wedding - and make sure your mum will be happy to stay if you need her - nice girly time even with 3 generations of women having a relaxing time of it.

WooWooOwl Fri 03-Jan-14 22:38:59

He probably can't imagine what it's like to have a new baby anywhere near as well as you are picturing it. He's got a shock coming, but it's not so bad that the wedding should be discounted entirely.

I don't think the fact that he's thinking about it means that he's destined to be a terrible father and unsupportive partner.

If you baby comes on time and you have no complications, you'd probably be fine to go, but it is one of those things where you need to wait and see.

timtam23 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:39:27

After my first baby was born (a fairly difficult forceps delivery) I then had post partum sepsis so I was in hospital for most of the first 2 and a half weeks and was very very ill with the sepsis. The episiotomy & breast feeding were the least of my worries! No way could I then have flown to the South of France with a 4 week old or even waved DH off for a solo trip. It took a while to fully recover.
And I was very healthy and had had a textbook "normal" pregnancy and 1st stage of labour as well - the bad bits & serious illness were completely unexpected and therefore quite hard to deal with as I had never imagined being too ill to look after my baby.

We did go to a wedding when DS was 4 months old and it was pretty straightforward by then as we were all back to full health and confident with feeding etc, we also went camping the week after that with no problems

ShadowFall Fri 03-Jan-14 22:41:42

YANBU to not want him to commit to going to a wedding so soon after your due date. I'd be wanting him to leave a final decision until after the baby arrives so you can see how you both feel about it then.

But I don't think it's him checking out of his responsibility as a new Dad so much as it's that he just hasn't thought about what having a newborn will be like, or how it might take you both a while to adjust to a new baby.

teacher123 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:43:34

DH went on a stag do when DS was about 7/8 weeks old (so potentially the age your baby will be depending on when he/she makes an appearance!) I took DS to my parents' house and we were fine. It was for one of DH's really best friends, who was an usher at our wedding and I wouldn't have wanted him to miss it.

MrsMook Fri 03-Jan-14 22:45:40

It was 8 wks when DH had to go abroad with work after my births, and I was only just ready to cope on my own. MiL came to visit after pat leave ended snd that was invaluable. First was an EmCS, and second a Vbac with forceps and 3rd degree tear. Leaving the house was harder after the vbac as I was on laxitives to protect my stitches...

It may all go swimmingly and brilliantly, but there's too many variables for it to be a bad plan.

eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:45:58

Thanks again for all your perspectives.... I guess we just can't plan for it until the baby is born. As I mentioned in a previous post -- it's the money side of it as well. He went to France last August and his flight cost him £250 and that was in advance (school holiday time etc) The factor in transfers, food, accomodation etc. We're not very well off and we will be losing our housemate in May to prepare for baby coming so that's a big chunk of income per month gone. I think if we're going to spend a chunk of money on going abroad (a big chunk for us anyway) then it should be for us all to go as a family somewhere when we're ready. It's crazy for us to pay that much money for him to go for 48 hours. We're not rich by any stretch ! And it's not a best friend's wedding... I've heard this guy's name mentioned maybe 3 times in the whole time we've been together. Hrm. Basically if we were rich and the baby was older then I'd be totally Mrs Laid Back girlfriend waving him off with a smile !!

RandomMess Fri 03-Jan-14 22:47:43

Absolutely can't see you attending as a family. If it's a good friend and your Mum can come and stay whilst he's away then I don't see why not. Life does need to carry on despite having a newborn to a certain extent!

RandomMess Fri 03-Jan-14 22:48:48

X-posts as having techie problems, money definitely a huge deciding factor that he seems to have completely missed!

nannynewo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:49:43

I think you should let him go, it is a close friend after all. You sound as though you would get some help from your mum and he will only be gone a few days. I know many new parents where the father has a job where he works away for several days a week, starting back as soon as the baby is 2 weeks old!
Additionally, some mums may have to do it all alone due to unforeseen circumstances! Such as the father leaving before the baby is born. It is doable and you won't be completely alone!

RevoltInParadise Fri 03-Jan-14 22:50:00

We went from Australia to wales to attend a wedding when ds was a month old. We registered him straight away and got the passport app Ina's soon as we got the birth certificate. Ds was our first too. It was actually a lovely trip. Babies generally sleep well on planes ime, but we may have been lucky! Plus I was bf so that made it easy too.

Also,I thought that babies could travel onthe mums passport. Or that may have changed now?

All that said, I think your wait and see approaches best.

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