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to give frozen girl my scarf

(91 Posts)
GlitzAndGiggles Fri 03-Jan-14 19:23:20

I was sat at a bus stop when a lady came with 2 young children. The one in the pushchair was screaming for about 15 mins and she was in a thin coat with no hat, scarf or gloves. Whenever she told her mum she was cold she was told to shut up. The older girl - probably around 7 or 8 was shivering away too also in a summery type coat. Anyway after 15 mins of the crying it clicked in my head to give the one in the pushchair my scarf so I took it off and asked the mum if she wanted it for her daughter and she kissed her teeth and took it then walked off confused. I wasn't trying to make her feel bad but it was horrible seeing these girls like that. Should I have just stayed out of it?

Shockers Sun 05-Jan-14 05:52:47

They could have been in a refuge and not able to get all their things in an hurry. Teeth sucking is the sort of reaction I would have if I were upset and trying to hold it in.

I think I might have tried to talk to them first, rather than show outright that I thought the children were not dressed adequately. I'm also slightly confused about the perfume comment.

All that said, that child will have been warmer with your scarf.

horsetowater Sun 05-Jan-14 02:16:34

Oh so you gave it to the mother and she took it. That's fine then. That says it all. If she was really offended she wouldn't have taken it. Teeth kissing can mean anything.

Loonytoonie Sat 04-Jan-14 20:58:36

FFS you lot.

NeedaWee Sat 04-Jan-14 20:42:45

Should have just called social services and taken a few pics for evidence. Thst would have shut the miserable tooth sucker up and you would still have had yer scarf

GlitzAndGiggles Sat 04-Jan-14 20:36:48

Pregnant pause I'm not smug believe me. It was getting later so the temp was dropping and the girls weren't in appropriate clothing

GlitzAndGiggles Sat 04-Jan-14 20:35:22

I told her it smells of perfume but she can have it for little one and that's when she took it and kissed her teeth

manicinsomniac Sat 04-Jan-14 20:26:35

Did you actually mean her to keep it. If somebody had given my child a scarf while waiting for the bus I would have said thank you then, when we were on the bus, I'd have given it back. I would have just assumed you were lending it not actually giving it.

Unless you made it very clear you were giving it to her to keep she was BVU to just walk off with it.

she WBU not to say thank you regardless.

pregnantpause Sat 04-Jan-14 20:22:30

My DDS were out in summer coats today. One had sunglasses on. It's not a fight I could face this morning but we had to walk the dog. I thought , well, they will be cold, maybe tomorrow they'll put their bloody coats on. If anyone had overheard my reacting to their whining on the way home, they would have said I was cruel and snappy, probably abusive to bootsad I'm not, but it's twenty minutes, they didn't die, and I had already fought to get them to stop fighting, clean their teeth, don't take food into the toilet, don't ride the dog, etc.. If some smug so so had offered them warm clothing, with the implication that I've failed to dress them, or indeed, failed to even notice their suffering! Sucking my teeth may have been the politest reaction I could muster. (no one did btw- I'm not the tooth sucker, we went completely unnoticed)

DamnBamboo Sat 04-Jan-14 19:38:51

agree with a PP comments on

DamnBamboo Sat 04-Jan-14 19:38:15

OP YANBU and it's perfectly reasonable to enquire about your actions and if they were acceptable given that you were trying to be nice and there was a bad reaction to it.

Agree there have been some bizarre 'look at how great I am' threads lately but I don't think this is one and also agree that PP comments on some sniping responses to this! No need really is there...

GlitzAndGiggles Sat 04-Jan-14 19:31:10

Yeah possibly so horsetowater, it was just seeing the little ones face I wanted to give her a big cuddle

horsetowater Sat 04-Jan-14 17:10:03

On mulling this over a bit I have come to the conclusion that it would have been better to offer the scarf to the mother, with a clear message that other people care about her as well as her daughter. Easier to think of in hindsight though. I think that engaging the parent as well gets a more positive response.

Feminine Sat 04-Jan-14 16:14:25

I'm going to suggest something a bit 'out there'

op do you think she just got tired of waiting for the bus?

I know I have given up many times... or

maybe you reminded her to get some extra clothes for the kids?

To not say "thank you" was rude. However, as has been said many times here-you would have had no idea what happened in her day.

Nice of you to give your scarf.

Topaz25 Sat 04-Jan-14 16:02:43

YANBU, what a lovely thing to do. It's a shame the mother was so rude. Embarrassment might explain why she didn't thank you but she shouldn't have been telling her daughter to shut up. Hopefully your kindness made a difference to the child.

annielouisa Sat 04-Jan-14 13:14:38

Sounds like they were all inapproropriately dressed if the mum was just wearing a cardigan and not a winter coat. I think the "teeth Kissing" was too covering up her embarrassment and also probably why she walked away.

musicboxwoundbyakey Sat 04-Jan-14 12:23:56

think the teeth-kissing reference was a way of implying the mother was black without actually saying the mother was black.

Think that says more about you to be fair.

The person I know who does this all the time is a white guy with gold teeth. It's not "black" or "white" thing.

Bettercallsaul1 Sat 04-Jan-14 12:16:09

I agree with woozlebear, horsetowater and Misspixietrix - I think this is a very reasonable AIBU to post and absolutely not a veiled appeal for approval. I'm astonished anyone would think that.

The best AIBU s pose questions where there is a genuine dilemma and it is possible to take two polar opposite attitudes towards the situation. Here, some posters seem to think there is only one - one of blanket approval for the OP's action of giving a warm scarf to a stranger's child who was shivering with cold. It is actually to their credit that they cannot conceive of a different reaction but it has led them to think the OP was disingenuous, which is unfair.

Like woozlebear, I immediately saw the possibility of the OP being considered patronising and interfering - Lady Bountiful dispensing charity to the less fortunate at a bus stop, thinking the OP's action was a temporary and inadequate bandaid designed to make the giver feel better but not tackling the underlying problem etc. The fact that the child's mother did not react positively, but walked away, must have made the OP doubt her good intentions and it was completely reasonable for her to want to check out other people's reactions by coming on here.

Of course she was right to give the child the scarf - it was a spontaneous gesture of empathy and altruism - but having done the right thing, she was immediately aware of the different interpretation that a cynical society could put on it and quite understandably wanted to get other people's perspective.

hackmum Sat 04-Jan-14 11:37:20

Well, I suppose the underlying message of the OP's action could be interpreted as "You're a shit parent who can't even be bothered to dress your children properly." Which is why the mum didn't smile and say "thank you, how kind." Of course quite possibly she is a shit parent but none of us likes other people pointing it out smile

comedycentral Sat 04-Jan-14 11:16:15

Wow some of you lot have bullied the OP good & proper haven't you?

If you don't like the post don't bloody comment.

Misspixietrix Sat 04-Jan-14 09:41:10

I think its a defence mechanism MissDuke a lot of people get defensive / put their guard up to come across as if they are okay. Sometimes people find it easier to come across like that so they don't look vulnerable sad .

MissDuke Sat 04-Jan-14 09:13:48

I would also say she was embarrassed, and agree she may well have went for a cry. Afterall, why would you walk off after waiting for 15 mins? It wasn't as if she had a go at you or anything. Like others, I am unfamiliar with teeth kissing.

Misspixietrix Sat 04-Jan-14 08:54:59

Nerfmother Bathing Suits? grin

Misspixietrix Sat 04-Jan-14 08:52:45

Sorry didn't realise my post was all juggled blush. secretwitch its because someone on here assumed it was a 'black thing' and it's not. My 11yo White DN has the teeth kissing down to a fine art and it still grates me. (Akin to Nails on a Blackboard to me). OP I honestly think she was just embarrassed/maybe possibly offended. To someone like us it's a nice gesture but if she's really struggling she perhaps wondered off thinking "shit she thinks I can't take care of my child properly". Not saying that's what you thought but it's hard and you feel constantly judged at some times which is why scarf lady was a bit embarrassed at gesture. She probably walked away and had a little cry for all we know at the kindness of a stranger. But remember this OP she took the scarf. She didn't refuse it so its probably sat snuggly with Pram Child now.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sat 04-Jan-14 06:18:23

I imagine that she was embarrassed that someone had noticed that her children were inadequately dressed.

GlitzAndGiggles Sat 04-Jan-14 04:52:38

Well I sat for another 5 mins waiting for someone and she hadn't come back

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