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AIBU I am fuming at my sister and myself WWYD?

(20 Posts)
LucyBabs Fri 03-Jan-14 18:49:06

I need some outside perspective before my head explodes.

I take care of my nephew two afternoons a week while my sister works. She is recently separated from her EA husband. He was awful for over two years before she finally got away from him by court order.

He has left so much damage, especially my nephew. He's 9 and although a lovable little boy he has such a horrible steak.
He bullies children much younger than him is always in trouble in school fighting cursing and shouting out at the teachers.

Absolutely none if it is his fault he watched his mother be bullied and abused by his father and is showing all the same traits his father has. I feel for him but he is hard work.

Anyway today I had him and his sister and the minute he walked in the door he was at my dd (5) she adores him so follows him around he repeatedly told her fuck off, threw her dirty looks grabbed toys away from her.

I an ashamed to admit I lost it with it him. I told him he is not welcome in my home anymore etc etc.

I just can't put with it anymore.
My sister does not discipline him he has TV taken away for an hour but there are no consequences for his behaviour.

I have spoken many times with my sis over this but its like talking to a brick wall. She told me last week she doesn't believe in counselling for the children ffs!

They need help as does she but its not happening.

Tonight I rang her and explained all that had happened

All I got was as "ok fine then I will put him into after school next week". Ok fine but nothing else its like "right so what nephew is acting up again"

I can't fall out with my sister she parents differently to me and I accept that but if I don't handle thus right we will fall out.

AIBU Is she? What can I do?

TwerkingNineToFive Fri 03-Jan-14 18:52:34

Your not bu for feeling the way you do but shouting at him like you describe sounds nasty. I think you know you could have handled it better. Your sister also needs to step up and put firm boundaries in place.

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance Fri 03-Jan-14 18:53:14

I don't think there is much you can do really sad

I think you've done the right thing by putting the protection of your dd first. Your poor dn sounds so lost, but as you said if your sister doesn't agree you can't force it

Maybe if he goes to after school club they will pick up on his behaviour and be able to reccomend some help to your sister?

Pancakeflipper Fri 03-Jan-14 18:54:21

Could you visit him and speak to him. Apologise for your behaviour but kindly and firmly inform him that such language etc is not acceptable. Then do a trial run?

Goodness knows what you can do with your sister. Speak to her ?
We have a friend exactly like your sister for the same reasons. She cannot see that she has to be firm to be kind and her son who could be lovely is losing friendships due to his behaviour.

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance Fri 03-Jan-14 18:54:36

Also I understand why you flipped today, I would be furious at anyone telling my five year old to fuck off repeatedly

coco44 Fri 03-Jan-14 19:00:29

'My sister does not discipline him he has TV taken away for an hour but there are no consequences for his behaviour.'
confused but that is discipline, and it is a consequence?
I think it is better that he goes to the after school club and plays with children his own age.It can't be much fun for a 9 yr old boy having a 5 yr old girl tagging round after him.He probably feels like a babysitter!
It is going to take a lot of time , patience, love and stability to turn this boy around.

maddening Fri 03-Jan-14 19:03:40

I think they both need counselling. She needs to assert herself to help her son. Can women's aid offer her advice?

brettgirl2 Fri 03-Jan-14 19:04:00

neither of yabu.

You parent ďifferently, her ds is being a pain when you look after him so she is putting him in after school club. Problem solved?

underthebluemoon Fri 03-Jan-14 19:23:18

I actually disagree. An afterschoool club is not the place where he will get support or hegvihvvuff

underthebluemoon Fri 03-Jan-14 19:23:19

I actually disagree. An afterschoool club is not the place where he will get support or hegvihvvuff

coco44 Fri 03-Jan-14 19:42:58

WEll he's not getting that at his aunts either.But maybe they won't bawl him out for not wanting to play with a girl half his age and he will have someone more suitabkle to play with.

LIZS Fri 03-Jan-14 19:48:46

You've already fallen out though , haven't you . She knows you can't handle her ds in the way she would. What do you want to happen now ? If he plays up at school she will be asked to support them in dealing with it . It might be better coming form someone outside of the immediate situation.

LucyBabs Fri 03-Jan-14 19:52:54

coco You have obviously taken my post up wrong apologies if it wasn't worded correctly.

I have been taking care of my nephew for 3 years he is loved, safe and treated fairly while he is in my care. I treat him like my own children.

I know I was in the wrong tonight but I lost my cool.

I mentioned discipline what I meant was losing the TV for an hour is not in my eyes enough.
He need to see how his behaviour affects the people around him.
The boys he used to play with on the road no longer play with him.

I feel so sad for him.

If he does go to after school that's the problem of him coming to me picking on my dd solved but he's my nephew I love him and I want to help.

Oh and I don't allow my dd to follow him around pestering him, she tries to but I don't allow it.

I can't see how that would be a good enough reason for him to pick on her. sad

fairylightsatchristmas Fri 03-Jan-14 19:55:31

think the OP is getting a few rough comments here. She's trying to help her sister with childcare in far from ideal circumstances. Lots of kids are at CM with no others their age to play with and have to get on with it, its not the worst thing in the world that his cousin wants to play with him - he's had all day with his own age group. OP, your first duty is to your DD and frankly, this boy does need to be told he cannot speak to anyone like that. You are not a counsellor and had to deal with the situation at the moment it occurred. I agree he DOES need help and it sounds as though the best thing is to concentrate on helping your DSis see that. Good luck

ForTheLoveOfSocks Fri 03-Jan-14 20:04:03

What your DSIS needs to realise is that one day her DS will be bigger than her, and if he carries on in this way he could very well abuse her and his DSIS.

My own brother is a good example of this. My DP's never addressed his abuse of me. When I left home at 16 he turned his violence onto them. They did actually admit they finally understood what I had been saying for years. They thought it was sibling bickering.

I don't know how to make your DSIS see sense, but I hope you do op

Pancakeflipper Fri 03-Jan-14 20:13:59

LucyBabs - one loss of temper doesn't mean everything is ruined or makes you a horrible person. Makes you human. And it's obviously made you pause and think how you are going to move on from this. If you didn't give a toss you'd shrug your shoulders and not think twice about today's incident.
Don't be harsh on yourself. You reacted this time. Next time it will be different.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 03-Jan-14 20:35:48

I have three DC and a nephew and niece who now live just round the corner. The niece is lovely fits in well with my DC absolutely no bother. She's very amiable by nature and has friends of same age who live either side of her. My nephew I love to bits. He doesn't really have any friends, parents to busy with working hard to have playdates over and doesn't play very well with my DC.

I'm a SAHM, my eldest is high functioning Autistic so time consuming and I know a little about challenging behaviours, but I have more time than my Dsis and have my nephew over lots. I got to almost breaking point with treating him like the guest and separating my own children from him, always making them compromise etc.

I made the decision that if he was to continue being a frequent visitor he needed to play by the same rules I expect of my DC. I spoke to him and built it up as a special privilege that he's an honorary part of our household. He is allowed to play at mine on his own or with the DC. He has to tidy after himself, as I expect of my DC. If his behaviour is out of my line of reasonable he is sat on the time out step like my DC. My sis is fine with this now. He still loves visiting. I reward him the same as my DC to so its not all stick.

The biggest thing is my sanity is saved. My sis doesn't back my line of parenting but neither does she undermine it.

I believe children can learn different behaviours for different situations. Do you feel up to trying again with him and redrawing the rules direct with him? Maybe after a cooling of period and giving your DD the chance to recover and have a say.

Good luck, its not easy.

Coldlightofday Fri 03-Jan-14 20:59:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyBabs Fri 03-Jan-14 21:06:26

Thank you fairy

I have had this conversation with my sis a few times what happens when the police are at her door or when he can't form proper relationships.
I think she felt once her ex was gone from the house everything would change but it hasnt.

Thanks pancake I just saw red today my little dds face broke my heart and I wouikd hate for her to think she has done anything to warrant my nephews behaviour.

Your post struck a cord with my me. Yes I will have to start over. Making my nephew feel he belongs and is a part of our family might really help him. I'm sure with his dad gone and how he treated his Mum makes him wonder what a family should be like. Thank you

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 03-Jan-14 21:44:49

I think him going to after school club would be good for him because they won't tolerate him behaving like this. Your sister will have to put measures in place if she wants him to continue to attend the club. It might take an outsider to higlight that her son is a replica of her ex partner & it sounds like that she is in denial at the moment.

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