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AIBU?

To expect phone call or text?

18 replies

whattodonow1 · 03/01/2014 01:07

I am based around 300 miles from my home town and family. As a family we'd planned to come back to my home town for new year and stay a 4 or 5 days.
Husband suggested he get flight back to where we live after a couple of days whilst I stay on with the kids so that he can watch a football match that was on this evening and then catch up with something's that need to be done around the house. He flew back last night around teatime. We have 3 children (7,6,4)and he knew our 6 year old was upset at him leaving and as such spoke to him and myself briefly on the phone before bed last night. I initiated that call. The football match he wanted to watch was this evening, he hasn't been working today and but despite this hasn't taken anytime out his day to send a text or ring today.
You might wonder why haven't I rang him and the main reason for this was to see if he would bother ringing me. I had felt pissed off slightly a few months ago when I was away for my grandmas funeral and despite the funeral being at 8.30am in the morning their was no text or phone call until 10.15pm that night. Have I got unrealistic expectations of what married life is about or is it too much to ask to expect a text or phone call once a day?

OP posts:

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BillyBanter · 03/01/2014 01:11

Does he know this is your expectation?

whattodonow1 · 03/01/2014 01:17

Part of me thinks I shouldn't have to spell it out to him. We have three young kids, we're married. Is it not normal for a married couple but both in Britain to find a couple of minutes in the day to see how each other are?. Is it just my parents that would do this?.

OP posts:

MissBurrows · 03/01/2014 01:19

OP YANBU, I would expect some sort of communication to show he is thinking of you at least.

mayorquimby · 03/01/2014 01:44

"You might wonder why haven't I rang him and the main reason for this was to see if he would bother ringing me"

Yabu

dunsborough · 03/01/2014 01:53

Sorry YABU.

Lairyfights · 03/01/2014 02:15

YABU, he's been away a day and you've had a conversation on the phone, why do you need to another phone call? You know he's back to watch the football and do things in the house, he's probably busy! You mention you're in your home town also, I assume with family and friends to visit? It's not like you've been left in a strange place on your own with your children. Also your comment about you Grandma's funeral, that was a few months ago - if it bothered you that much you should have brought it up then. You can't store things away to use as extra ammo at a later date, it just creates resentment IMO.

KeatsiePie · 03/01/2014 02:33

I might be kind of hurt. But my DH is sometimes like this, and it doesn't mean anything. He just gets in his own world when left alone for extended periods of time. And then to be fair sometimes I do too. In the end I don't think it's worth getting upset about -- if you want him to call more often/earlier when you are apart then just tell him it would make you happy and would he mind.

ComposHat · 03/01/2014 02:43

Perhaps he is waiting to see when when you'll ring him? Two can play at silly buggers you you know.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/01/2014 06:36

Yanbu, when my DH or myself is away whoever is up first in the morning or first to bed at night usually calls the other. During the day we also text or call as well.
Your DH should put a lot more effort than this, esp knowing one of the kids had been upset.

Frozennortherner · 03/01/2014 07:04

Agree with coffee. I think expressing care is very important. It s part of the shoring up of you as a couple. A long time ago, a research paper discussed how it was left to women who attended to this on the whole it was called 'doing the interactional shitwork'). It's unfair. Both partners should have emotional literacy and be responsible for the emotional health of the relationship. He needs to learn a bit of relational mindfulness. Tell him, in a quieter moment, how it makes you feel when he doesn't call. He needs to relearn what's habitual. IME, they rarely do but it might be possible. Good luck OP

tinyturtletim · 03/01/2014 07:12

He probably hasn't realised.

My DH is exactly the same I went to a&e once he fell asleep on the sofa and I had to wake him to let me in 8 hours later.

It feels like they don't care doesn't it? With my dh he is just a bit unreliable

littlewhitechristmasbag · 03/01/2014 08:32

My DH often gets wrapped up in what he is doing and doesn't think to make contact. I suspect your DH thinks you are busy with your children and family so won't be worried. Men just don't think like women. In my family I am the one who keeps in touch with DH and children when they are away. I am the family hub if you like. That's how it works for us.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/01/2014 10:05

As you spoke to him the previous night he probably didn't feel the need to speak again the next day. I'm sure my Dh wouldn't phone me if I hadn't seen him for just one day.

Really it isn't like he had gone away for weeks or something, he just went home early. Me and DH never really phone each other unless we need to, I think there are more important things in married life than talking on the phone every day.

PedlarsSpanner · 03/01/2014 10:12

YABU

don't play games or 'test' your partner

spell out expectations, be clear on what you would like to happen

no one is a mind-reader; he can't SEE you so no way can he intuit from body language, gesture, facial expression that you are 'disappointed' or whatever PA phrase you want to use

LastingLight · 03/01/2014 10:46

Contact is not that important to some men, you need to cut him some slack. Discuss this with him when you're both calm and relaxed, and just tell him that you miss him when you guys are apart and would appreciate a daily text/call.

HellonHeels · 03/01/2014 10:57

It's not just about the DH calling OP, is it? He knew the 6 year old was upset about him going, he should have wanted to see if the DC was OK. Why didn't he call to speak to all the DCs? His attitude sounds like he thinks as long as the children are with the OP he can forget about being a parent.

Suelford · 03/01/2014 11:33

YABU. Not everyone feels the need to keep in contact daily, especially since you know where he is, what he's doing, etc.

If you really feel you must speak to him, call him, rather than hoping he's a mind-reader.

Topaz25 · 03/01/2014 12:31

The main problem seems to me to be that he didn't stay the 4 or 5 days previously agreed in your hometown but got a flight back after a couple of days, upsetting your DC, so he could watch a football game! That would bother me more and I guess the lack of phone call is just the last straw?

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