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To just be utterly rude to my FIL from now on, after this latest visit?

(61 Posts)
YankNCock Thu 02-Jan-14 17:53:49

We live about 200 miles away from the inlaws and have just been down for a visit. It took us 6.5 hours to get down there, in the car with a 4yo and a 1yo.

Is it so unreasonable to think FIL could shut off the fucking telly for a half hour or so and interact with his grandchildren? Seriously, Judge Judy repeats that he's got RECORDED, are more important to him.

This was the worst its ever been. Previous visits he would occasionally turn on a children's channel as an excuse for having it on, but this time, other than about 20 seconds of Cartoon Network, he didn't even try to keep up the pretence.

Conversations couldn't be had because he kept inching up the volume every time my SIL spoke (he doesn't like her). He virtually ignored my 4 year old and spent about 5 minutes in total over the 24 hours with the 1 yo.

I was so sad to see DS1 looking at FIL hopefully as he made some funny faces at DS2, but he just totally blanked DS1. I can't remember what happened last time we visited, but I do recall DH saying 'well, he'll go off DS1 now' and he certainly has.

I'm still fuming and it's 4 days later. FIL just rung, and of course 1yo is yelling in the background and I couldn't hear anything properly, so I was a bit terse.

I wish I'd said something, but I've fallen into the family pattern of tiptoeing around him to avoid causing trouble for MIL. But some part of me thinks I cannot keep this up.

TaraLott Thu 02-Jan-14 17:56:34

Depends, maybe he's losing his marbles?

Sparklingbrook Thu 02-Jan-14 17:58:29

Honestly? I wouldn't go again. I would explain exactly why too.

phantomnamechanger Thu 02-Jan-14 17:59:20

do they come to you? would MIL come on her own? I do find the behaviour odd but them my nana is the same - TV on all the time in her flat and when we go, after a quick hello, all she talks about is whos on the TV, explaining the rules of a quiz show or something about the host or main star. That's her routine.

grovel Thu 02-Jan-14 18:00:16

I just would not go. Both you and FiL would be happier. Find a way of seeing MiL outside her home.

YankNCock Thu 02-Jan-14 18:01:08

No, according to DH he's actually mellowed over the years, temper not as explosive, less often giving people the silent treatment, etc.

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 02-Jan-14 18:01:16

What happened before could be very relevant.

Losthearts Thu 02-Jan-14 18:01:55

What does your OH think?

Bloodyteenagers Thu 02-Jan-14 18:03:22

I wouldn't go any more. But then I don't go and see people who I don't like anyway, regardless of who they are.
If they came to visit, the TV would loose its plug.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Thu 02-Jan-14 18:03:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topaz25 Thu 02-Jan-14 18:05:52

YANBU. You certainly shouldn't have to make so much effort just to be ignored. Can they come and see you or could you go out to a cafe with MIL next time?

YankNCock Thu 02-Jan-14 18:06:50

They don't come to us, ever. FIL has had both hips replaced, MIL doesn't drive and has terrible arthritis. We moved up here nearly 6 years ago and they've never visited. I don't begrudge them not coming, though if they really wanted to, they could make it happen, just once, to see where we live.

They are like a completely different generation, it's like they are in their 80s or 90s rather than 60s. MIL stands up to him a bit more than she used to (according to DH), but mostly its just a like walking into a passive-aggressive shitstorm.

Only1scoop Thu 02-Jan-14 18:09:22

Blimey all that huge journey with two tinies all for that....I'd be hitting the gin hmm

YankNCock Thu 02-Jan-14 18:10:00

It wasn't anything terrible, just DS1 being a normal 4yo. He's generally polite and not spoiled. It was some minor tantrum which was dealt with appropriately by me, I can't even remember what it was about, just that FIL seemed to ignore DS1 following that.

DeWe Thu 02-Jan-14 18:15:34

Why did your dh say "he'll go off ds1 now"

Is it because he doesn't mind them tiny, but doesn't like them when older? Or is it something he's done? It then depends on what was done, and what happened.

drivingmisslazy Thu 02-Jan-14 18:16:40

This sounds just like my dad he is terrible for this, I live miles away and usually only visit twice a year, my mum gives 100% attention to the kids but my dad will keep the telly on and hardly engage with the kids, he has been like this for years and was even like it when I was a child, it makes me so sad. DD would stand in front the telly to get his attention and he would shush her out the way, I said she is only doing it for attention and he would say I am watching this, usually some programme about a motorbike being stripped down. If it wasn't for my mum I wouldn't bother going.


YankNCock Thu 02-Jan-14 18:17:15

I feel awful for MIL, the visits aren't long enough for her, but we just can't take being there very long. We quit staying with them because we just couldn't stand it, were staying with a friend about 40 minutes away but now can't because she got a cat (DH allergic).

This time we were down for 4 nights but stayed at PILs for just 1. We got hotels the other nights, one of which was only about 10 minutes from their house. We saw friends on the other days, which makes the entire trip more worth it. I think I would have exploded if we'd only been down to see the PILs.

If we start taking MIL out separately, FIL will make her life more hellish, that's DH's opinion, but something he's considering as well as he was highly fucked off too.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO Thu 02-Jan-14 18:18:01

I have to say I am always surprised when people dont want to see where their children live.

pumpkinsweetie Thu 02-Jan-14 18:20:44

Unless he has some signs of dementia or is losing his marbles, i would find this very rude and not bother with the 200 mile journey again as he clearly cannot be bothered to even give his own gc a second of his time!

YankNCock Thu 02-Jan-14 18:22:56

DeWe, FIL's normal pattern with most people, including children, is that once you've done one thing he doesn't like, he forms a bad opinion of you that can never be undone. It doesn't matter that DS1 is 4 fucking years old.

DH can't remember exactly what it was either, just that it was something very trivial and normal for a 4yo to do.

Fairylea Thu 02-Jan-14 18:26:40

I get palpitations just at the thought of driving more than an hour or so with ds 18 months in the car. You're brave!

There's no way I'd go again. What for? He doesn't appreciate the visit. What a waste of time for all involved.

But then I'm quite hard line when it comes to family. Both dh and I are virtually no contact with all of ours.

YankNCock Thu 02-Jan-14 18:27:01

Elf, me too. My parents and their partners have flown from the USA on more than one occasion.

I think I find this so galling because my parents would dearly love to see their grandsons as often as FIL does. My dad was here for a month last autumn and it was wonderful, now they're back to having a grandfather that ignores them.

BabyMummy29 Thu 02-Jan-14 18:28:51

I feel for you. We had an awful time at PiL and OH has vowed never to go back, We don't have small children but from our arrival I couldn't wait to leave.

comedycentral Thu 02-Jan-14 19:09:10

Sounds awful. But, it wouldn't stop me visiting, he sounds old and demotivated. He's had two hip replacement surgeries. I would just accept that he's like that and just carry on for MIL.

Chottie Thu 02-Jan-14 19:46:46

Couldn't ILs come down on the train if they can't / won't drive? I was surprised to read they are only in their 60s, from what you wrote I thought they were in their 80s.

It's really sad to read how your FiLs ignores your DC, you sound a lovely caring DiL who really wants your DC to have a relationship with both there GP.

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