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To hate being gay?

(177 Posts)
DixieGoesToHollywood Thu 02-Jan-14 10:57:33

I know this seems rather self indulgent and is probably a bit of a non issue but it's something I just can't get out of my head.

I am a lesbian and unfortunately can't change that, much as I would love to be straight.

I feel like I can't cope with the people who make comments in the street (not all the time, but on the odd occasion) and shout at me and DP that we are disgusting. I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian" grin.

I'm worried that my future children will be bullied and that other parents won't want to hang round with me and DP.

I guess I'm worried that homophobia is still around and I honestly wish I could be straight and just blend in. I hate myself even more for being so ashamed.

chocolatemademefat Fri 03-Jan-14 19:27:45

While we still have labels like gay and straight there will always be problems. My son is gay and has no problems with his peers - problems arise from older generations. My parents are very anti-gay (homophobes in a big way) resulting in my son hiding a big part of his life from them.

People who dont know I have a gay son are quite happy in social situations to crack jokes and make disgusting comments which I ignore as my son has no wish for his family to turn it into a big deal. I die a little inside everytime I dont retaliate.

Dont hate yourself Dixie - and dont stop being proud of who you are. I know its not much comfort now but I think slowly things ARE changing. There are a lot of people like me around who perhaps should speak up more to stamp out the ignorance you are subjected to.

HermioneWeasley Fri 03-Jan-14 14:35:31

OP, agree with what others have said. The more open you are and the more you realise how most people simply don't care, the easier it is to reconcile.

I had a terrible time when I first realised - eating disorders, self harm. Now very happy with DW and our babies.

Wishing you peace and happiness. Xx

Catsize Fri 03-Jan-14 12:24:07

It is okay posy, we are agreed on one thing 'it is about living [your] life the way [you] want to', but as said above, you won't see that therein lies the problem. I do not care if you ever have a relationship with a woman or not. I care about your fiance being head over heels with you and unwittingly entering into a deceitful marriage. More than you do it seems. Pointless me going on, so will leave it. At least your horses won't suffer. confused

Onepostposy Fri 03-Jan-14 11:39:30

It really isn't how you've decided it is, Catsize, but if for whatever reason you want to give me a hard time over it, carry on. It's just confirming in my mind I have absolutely made the right decision for me and my life (not that I had even a shred of doubt.) It isn't about me at all: it's about my dad and late mum, my brother and my fiancé, my friends, my horses, my work, my life, my future children.

It's about living my life the way I want to. And I do not wish to embark on a relationship with a woman despite finding them sexually attractive. This will go around in circles endlessly so if you don't mind I am going to step back from it.

Catsize Fri 03-Jan-14 11:35:13

Agh!!!! posy, this is not just about YOU!! It is about respect and honesty. But nevermind. You won't see that. inspace (and others), we tried. Poor chap. sad

Onepostposy Fri 03-Jan-14 11:02:22

Nottingham if sex is very important to you, I understand why you might feel that way. It isn't important to me, so I am satisfied. I completely understand why someone with a higher sex drive might not be, though.

monet3 Fri 03-Jan-14 11:01:04

Honestly, if you are pretty you get picked on, same with being overweight, rich, poor, what clothes you wear, how you bring up your kids, your personality. I wouldnt worry about others. Someone will always have a negative comment or thought whatever your situation.

MardyBra Fri 03-Jan-14 10:57:16

To be fair posy didn't post asking for advice or if she was bu. I hope you don't feel you are getting bruised by buns -you seem to holding your corner.

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 03-Jan-14 10:54:40

I reckon you should move or start mixing in nicer circles. I know that sounds like I think it is easy, but when you mix with nice normal people who treat you like a nice normal person, it will boost your strength so could can deal with idiots.

Plus you can come out and stay out, rather than having to declare yourself over and over.

Btw, at my school, we are currently doing more collections for civil partnerships than for weddings and display stonewall material in every classroom and social area.

I think society is changing month by month. Not fast enough, but gaining momentum.

Good luck.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Fri 03-Jan-14 10:35:20

Exactly my point nottinghamlass.

Tubemole1 Fri 03-Jan-14 10:32:27

Homophobia generally is borne from a combination of two things. One: A lack of understanding of the variety of life. Some people just can't get their heads around the differing types of "normal". Two: They are frightened that they are curious about homosexuality and alternative lifestyles from society's heterosexual "norm" and so lash out against it.

I am hetero but work in a gay-friendly workplace, with a strong Equality and Inclusion policy. Many colleagues are gay and bi, some are in civil partnerships, and one or two are living a lie. It makes no odds to me. It depends where you live, where you work, who you socialise with that makes a difference to accepting who you are. If you are sufferring homophobic abuse that is a crime which can be reported to the police. If you cannot improve your life by using official channels then unfortunately the system us not working for you and you must consider starting again somewhere else.

Stonewall and the Samaritans are both great places to seek help. A gay colleague also recommends thee Gay and Lesbian switchboard, as he calls it, but it may have changed its name now. Don't give up.

NottinghamLass Fri 03-Jan-14 10:28:19

Would you want to be with someone who really would only be sexually satisfied with someone of the opposite sex to you? I know I wouldn't.

SolemnHour Fri 03-Jan-14 10:20:05

I don't think whether posy is bi or gay is what is important, she is happy with her man as long as he is who she wants that's all that really matters, I love my husband to death he is my best friend but I'm not sexually attracted to any other man. I know a woman is what I need sexually but that's no different to the millions of others who fantisize about other men who are hotter or younger than their partners, the way I see it we are only Allowed one so we are all sacrificing other desires anyway.

Beastofburden Fri 03-Jan-14 10:02:08

I think what posy is saying is that she is marrying the person she loves, but she could have been happy with a woman, had she fallen in love with one.

Is that so very different from marrying one person but retaining fond memories/ fantasies over a former boyfriend that didn't work out?

I know a couple where both were previously married, to men. Mary Portas is a high profile example of the same thing. Surely, if you are bi, that is to be expected? posy does sound more bi than gay to me, TBH.

ViviPru Fri 03-Jan-14 10:00:11

I just wanted to add a voice in support of Posy and her decisions. I don't think you are being selfish or cruel. And I hope this thread does not give you cause for any self-doubt or anxiety.

Onepostposy Fri 03-Jan-14 09:55:57

But I don't WANT a woman - this is what I'm trying to explain smile - I want to marry my fiancé. I don't want to marry a woman.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Fri 03-Jan-14 09:53:03

posy I can understand why you don't want us criticizing you, and I can understand why you're annoyed. But catsize is right. It's not just about sex at all. I'm straight. But could I force myself to marry and live with a woman when it was really a man I wanted? Regardless of sex! No I couldn't! That would be living a lie, and extremely unfair to the woman. You should tell fiance the truth before it's too late.

oakmouse Fri 03-Jan-14 09:44:03

Dixie, at my mum's church (a fairly trad C of E one) the vicar congratulated two members of the congregation on their civil partnership in the notices. My postie was chatting about her female partner the other day while my neighbour's 17 year old daughter was bemoaning how bored she was getting with her friends trying to decide if they were bi, straight or gay.

It is a different world than it was in the eighties when people were shocked at Boy George and everybody assumed George Michael was heterosexual (yeah, right grin )

Bigots get worse the more threatened they are. It's their problem. It is impossible to get through life without being criticised for something, it might as well be for leading a lovely life with the person you love smile

Catsize Fri 03-Jan-14 09:04:27

I do not think you should throw everything away for sex. It is to respect the man you say you love. Personally, I would not want someone to be with me on a compromised basis. Also, as and when things happen sexually, I would want them to be doing things because they wanted to be doing them with me. If your husband was fantasising about being with a man as he made love to you, perhaps you would be okay with that, and that is fine. All I am saying is that he has the right to know your feelings so he can decide. You are no doubt playing your role very well, but at the end of the day it is acting, and by definition dishonest. I do not doubt that you love him on a level.

Onepostposy Fri 03-Jan-14 08:57:30

Mardy, religion is a factor, yes.

Please don't think my family and friends are small minded bigots, they aren't. I remember being at a friend's house years ago and on the TV two women were kissing and the family all roared in disgust - unfortunately people like that DO exist.

My dad isn't like that, nor is my fiancé or my friends, but they would be shocked and in my dad's case, a bit ashamed.

Catsize, trust me, I am far from self absorbed. I can't believe you and space think I should throw everything away for sex, which is all this really boils down to (for me.) I don't want to start my own thread because I've made my decision: I don't want advice. My post here was one of empathy, not confusion.

I have known since the age of eighteen that I am sexually attracted to women and so I have had ample time to pursue sexual relations with them. It hasn't happened because I haven't let it happen, and nor will I. I am going to be married to a man, I love that man and I will be faithful to that man. My fantasies, which is all they are, are no one else's business.

ColinButterfly Fri 03-Jan-14 08:09:53

I think part of the issue for people in posy's situation is that it is perhaps more straightforward to come out when there is a reason to do it, i.e. if she had fallen in love with someone then the sacrifices she would be making/changes being made etc would seem worth it. As it is, it's hypothetical. So I can see why you would think it logical to go about it in this way. People whose relationships tick all the boxes are lucky. IME, the greatest, most fulfilling relationship I had was with a man, supportive, amazing guy, but became platonic. The most fulfilling physical relationship I had was with a man with whom I had fantastic sexual chemistry. He was an abusive twunt though and wasn't compatible to having other fulfilling aspects of my life - wouldn't want me to have a career, friends, family etc, independence. I have concluded that for me, having it all isn't necessarily going to happen, and that's ok.

The only word of caution I suppose would be, is that you don't always meet people where you expect to. I've socialised with lesbians for a long time and not the slightest bit of action on the scene as it were. The women that I've had flings with have been 'straight' women I met in day to day life (as in, not out on the pull, not actively seeking a relationship with a woman at that time).

Don't hate your own sexuality, that's not what's causing you grief! People can be such arseholes. x

traininthedistance Fri 03-Jan-14 07:34:14

I've had relationships with men and women and I can relate very well to that worry about awkwardness at work, mentioning DP etc., and thinking "if DP was a man things would be easier, I would be more accepted etc." My current partner is a man and I thought it would be masses easier, and I'd enjoy benefiting from cultural heteronormativity for a change just like everyone else but you know what? Actually (a) it doesn't seem that different, people don't seem to react that differently at all, which makes me wonder how much I was misinterpreting when I was with a female DP; and in any case (b) now I actually miss it! The feeling of being a bit different, a little but surprising to people possibly. On getting together with DH I actually struggled for a while to reconcile it with my former identity, even though I would say I'm bi (if pushed - don't particularly like essentialist or identity-based ideas of sexuality anyway). As previous posters have mentioned, where you live and what kind of job you do makes a difference - glad you're in a big city - media/arts, university sectors, law (surprisingly) are very gay-friendly. I can confirm that younger people are light years ahead of older generations in terms of acceptance but it does depend in where in the country you are. Are you in the SE or London at all?

And as for your mum, people still make daft comments however accepting they are (my mum is a general purveyor of daft comments anyway, so there are always a few here and there that hit on the sexuality thing but to be honest she'd manage to offend anyone so show given enough opportunity ;) )

ProtegeMoi Fri 03-Jan-14 04:54:11

The feelings you have are so normal!

I'm gay and it took me a long time to come to terms with that, and even be able to say it! I used to deliberately say my partner instead of girlfriend, I would say "they went" instead of "she went" etc. and hid it at much as I could.

I hated who I was. It took me a while to get past that and it isn't easy, but the more you realise that the majority of people don't care, the easier it is.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for nearly 7 years now and have three children, two are mine from a previous relationship and the youngest we conceived together via a sperm donor.

The children are happy and have no issues from my sexuality, they are open, honest and proud and have had no bullying etc. we are very lucky that it's mostly a non-issue these days and people are more tolerant than you think.

Catsize Fri 03-Jan-14 03:01:46

inspace, I fear we are banging our heads aganst a brick wall with posy. I was going to cite her self-absorbed comments, but reading through them, there are just too many. It is all, I am afraid, 'her her her'.
It is all about her decision and her life.
This is not a personal career decision, like becoming a teacher instead of a lawyer. There is someone else involved, who is being lied to now and will be in the future. For the rest of his life.
Posy's reluctance to open her own thread and be criticused is indicative that a)she knows deep down she is wrong and b)cannot face the truth.
She will live her life as if in a play. That is her choice. Sadly, that choice affects an unsuspecting man who is being duped in the bedroom and out of it.
You and I cannot condone that, but apparently this marriage has very little to do with the other party to it.
I suppressed my sexuality for years. It doesn't work. My first female partner and my third (with whom I have been in a relationship for ten years), I met in unsuspected circumstances. posy's naivity about meeting someone is also striking.
posy, you may well not leave your husband. I am not suggesting you will, and nor is anyone suggesting you are 'snogging women behind your fiancee's back', but the deceit will be emotional and sexual for the rest of your life. So, you are 32. Big deal. Face the truth. It is kinder in the long run. If you are to enter an honest marriage, tell the guy the truth about your feeings. If he is happy to stay with you, fine.
Sadly, I strongly suspect my words are wasted. As your vows will be meaningless.

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