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No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

(371 Posts)
UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:20:39

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

- lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

SlimPickings Sat 11-Jan-14 21:42:09

I disagree crapbag. How does the OP smack of self importance.

The bride is happy for the OP to organise 2 members of her wedding party and get them to the fittings and probably a rehearsal at the venue and neither appear to be local. The OP then has to get DCs to the wedding day preparations pre-ceremony stuff as well as the wedding.

Therefore the OP is fairly involved in the wedding all be it as a non local taxi service and it is very reasonable that she should assume her invitation would come with a plus 1.

If the bride had to arrange all the above logistics without OP it would cost her more than an additional full invitation and probably salvaged a long term family wide friendship. IMHO what were the bride and groom thinking.

CrapBag Sat 11-Jan-14 19:32:43

I agree with Jomato.

You smack of self importance OP, your immediate reaction should have been one of gratitude.

yetanotherstatistic Sat 11-Jan-14 14:27:34

That's alright then Thumbwitch. Although once the other child realizes that they are being left behind how is the OP going to deal with it I wonder.

Thumbwitch Sat 11-Jan-14 14:19:17

yetanother, the OP has already said she understands and is happy with the reason for her youngest DS to be left behind.

yetanotherstatistic Sat 11-Jan-14 10:20:53

Exactly Raven

The poor bride. She explains that she is restricted on numbers and clearly prioritised couples who were living together which is not unreasonable. She and the groom don't socialise with them as a couple so it is understandable that they didn't know that he was more than just a boyfriend.

The bride generously includes DP once alerted to the relationship but the OPs first thought is to be rude to her. Amazing.

So will there now be a campaign to get the one child left at home an invite too?

ravenAK Sat 11-Jan-14 03:01:01


Appropriate response to latest development would have been along the lines of fulsome thanks for adding dp to the guestlist for the full day, acknowledgment that this may have entailed additional inconvenience &/or expense for the B&G, & a discreet upgrade to whatever gift you were already planning.

Not a 'pointed' or 'flippant' response. That would just be weird & rude when she's bent over backwards to accommodate a request that was already a little pushy, tbh.

SlimPickings Sat 11-Jan-14 02:11:09


OP was right to ask for DP to be included before any formal invitations were issued and to speak to the bride. I agree with StraightLine that weddings are obscenely over priced but the OPs DCs are both part of the wedding party and I think that was the reason OP was so upset.

StraightLineOfResignation Fri 10-Jan-14 10:05:17

YABU , I'm afraid.

weddings are obscenely priced, especially if she has never met him. My bridesmaids boyfriends were evening do only , due to room and price.

JugglingBackwardsAndForwards Fri 10-Jan-14 09:38:27

Plus the "have you read the whole thread" thing does annoy me a bit.
I've read enough, generally, to make the comments I do. Sure I could make a mistake sometimes, but I could do that even if I did read everything.
Plus I spend enough time on here as it is, have a slightly jump right in impulsive character, and do have a RL to live as well (often much neglected sad)
MN is for everyone, even those of us who don't always RTFT grin

Iwillneverusethisnameforpostin Fri 10-Jan-14 07:50:36

I didn't see the deleted post before it was pulled but I think I can get the gist of at least some of it judging by the responses to it, so just to say

a) I too have read the whole thread and posted what I posted based on that

b) I too have changed my name since this thread started (in a bid to stop myself posting, as you can see it hasn't worked!)

justtoomessy Fri 10-Jan-14 01:55:07

You really don't sound like a very nice person op. You've come across as very self centred and unappreciative. You're friend sounds lovely.

fidgetsnowfly Thu 09-Jan-14 22:25:17

I've lost sympathy (yes, I've read everything, namechanged since) - so, your friend has rearranged her wedding day to meet your demands, and you aren't appreciative, and seem to think you're doing her a favour by saying thank you and turning up on the day. You've had a hard time, OP, but the world doesn't owe you for it. You won't do yourself any favours by being so completely, unforgivably self centred, and treating friends like this, especially ones who are prepared to go to such lengths (and risk upsetting other friends whose partners aren't invited) to accommodate you.

YourMotherChucksRocksInHull Thu 09-Jan-14 18:37:51

Namechange fail there, op.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 09-Jan-14 18:32:58

OP you are hard work. You have made this wedding all about you. I also read the entire thread and responded as I saw fit, but I guess you have only acknowledged the entire three people that agreed with you.

Enjoy the day, please just get on with it now and don't come up with any more issues.

MrsFeathersword Thu 09-Jan-14 18:21:37

OP if you didn't mean to use other name perhaps you should report your last post?
I love that if only the rest of us had read the thread, we'd have posted something different! I read everything, posted based on that.

ClothFingers Thu 09-Jan-14 18:16:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 09-Jan-14 13:00:43

The going through various responses says more about you than it does the Bride for leaving him out.

Have a word with yourself.

A little tip for you on the wedding day it isn't about you! Even if your children are part of the wedding party.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 09-Jan-14 09:01:47

Well, I'm very pleased to read this latest update, particularly regarding what has actually now been offered and accepted.
I hope you all have a really lovely day and weekend smile

Iwillneverusethisnameforpostin Thu 09-Jan-14 08:34:39

I drafted 101 responses from particularly pointed to flippant, deleted them all and then simply thanked her for extending her hospitality to include DP

On what POSSIBLE grounds could your response have been anything but gracious. What the fuck was there to be particularly pointed about? You made your point; she admitted her mistake (not sure it was the most horrendous of mistakes myself but still) and reacted appropriately.

Unhappy there is no doubting that life has dealt you some funny cards and it seems you are coping bravely and well for the most part but good grief it seems you can be hard work at times. Other people have issues too you know.

Enjoy the wedding....PLEASE!!!!

MrsFeathersword Thu 09-Jan-14 08:20:42

I doubt the OP will enjoy the wedding. She will find they aren't seated right beside each other, or something like that.
One of the most entitled attitudes I've seen on mumsnet for a while.

LittleBearPad Thu 09-Jan-14 07:54:23

Why did you go through various responses? I'm glad you settled on simply saying thank you - you should be bloody grateful. As diddl says - grow up.

diddl Thu 09-Jan-14 07:50:55

Bloody hell OP-grow up!

You got your way & still your immediate response wasn't just "thank you".

With "friends" like you...

Chippednailvarnish Thu 09-Jan-14 07:04:34

Your poor friend has gone to the trouble of rearranging the seating, the catering and incurring the extra cost of accommodating your DP, who she's never laid eyes on before and you're still moaning...

Thumbwitch Thu 09-Jan-14 06:13:29

Oh crap, HOW did I miss the last update??

Very glad for you OP. smile Hope you all enjoy the wedding.

Thumbwitch Thu 09-Jan-14 06:12:33

"It's very unlikely she'll change her mind just after meeting him once, they're on a very tight list after all and there's bound to be people they are friends or know who will take priority over him. "

But it could happen - when friends of mine got married, initially they weren't going to invite DH (then only DP) because they hadn't met him. I knew a lot of the guests so it wouldn't have really mattered. Then the groom (who was more my friend) came round one day and met DH - and subsequently we had a revised invitation for the whole day for both of us. Which was rather lovely of them, I thought. smile

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