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No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

(371 Posts)
UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:20:39

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

- lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

squeakytoy Tue 31-Dec-13 17:24:01

What does your DP think of it.. I know plenty of men who find weddings boring and would be more than ecstatic to only have to show their face at the piss up part of it..

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:27:42

When's the wedding? Have you chatted to your friend toexplain how you feel?

startwig1982 Tue 31-Dec-13 17:28:09

Tbh it's up to her who she invites. I do understand how it'll be difficult to manage the kids without support, but as far as I'm aware, you can't stop someone from going to a wedding as it's a legal ceremony.
So maybe he could go for the ceremony and evening?

scaevola Tue 31-Dec-13 17:28:24

You don't "get your point across"

Each person who is invited accepts or declines as they wish.

Personally, I think the whole concept of a "B list" of evening only guests is rude in itself, but if someone decided to rank people like this (usually, it is claimed for monetary reasons) I wouldn't comment on their lack of taste/judgement to their face.

ClutchingPearls Tue 31-Dec-13 17:30:11

6YO DC being excluded may be the reason for DH only being invited to the evening do?

I have never understood weddings child/wedding acceptability.

diddl Tue 31-Dec-13 17:31:28

I think it's difficult tbh.

I assume you live together in which no invitation is odd imo.

Then as people say-don't like it-don't accept.

CatsRule Tue 31-Dec-13 17:31:40

Is it just an oversight or is she obviously aware of what she has done?

I wouldn't go separately, fair enough if it's a mistake but if it's deliberate then I would be annoyed too.

WooWooOwl Tue 31-Dec-13 17:31:45

I wouldn't go, and as you want to be nice about it, would just say that it was down to the logistics of having to sort out children on your own and transport for your family as you have been separated.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Tue 31-Dec-13 17:32:16

it might be the cost of the meal, you could offer to pay your dps meal cost

StrangeGlue Tue 31-Dec-13 17:33:27

ah i can see why you are annoyed. I think you have three options: decline; accept; or, ask her if your DP can come to the whole event.

if you go with 3 you need to be very very polite and not get in a strop about it. i doubt you're friend has done this as a massive slur she's probably just been insensitive by accident. does she know how committed your DP and you are?

I notice you refer to her being single in June and now you're receiving a wedding invite - is that also irritating you?

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:34:02

It seems a bit mean tho if they live together.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:35:44

DP was delighted the DCs (not is) were part of her big day. He doesn't know he only has an evening invite - yet-. He will politely decline the evening only as DP can't go for the piss up bit, he will have to drive to the reception 1.5 hrs to get there. We will have 2 cars there so neither of us can drink. I can't ask him to pay for a hotel so he can sit around all day alone. Its rude.

Wedding is in July

CaptainSweatPants Tue 31-Dec-13 17:36:10

Has she met your dp?

HissymasJumper Tue 31-Dec-13 17:38:25

Speak to her. Face to face and explain why you will need and expect your whole family there, logistically and emotionally.

Leaving any of your family members sounds just plain wrong.

Can I also just say that the reaction of your DC to the thought that DP is left out speaks volumes for the people you all are and the man that he is, you all sound like you all needed each other, and you sound all so happy together.

Adopting too? What truly special people you all are!

squeakytoy Tue 31-Dec-13 17:39:50

Perhaps he would be happy having the daytime hours to chill out and relax at the hotel and then meet up with you all afterwards. I really dont see a major problem with it to be honest. And surely if you have known her for 14 years then you are hardly going to be on your own with a bunch of strangers are you?? And how come your kids know about the lack of day invite for your partner before he knows about it??

CoffeeTea103 Tue 31-Dec-13 17:40:53

Yanbu, I would be very hurt if this was me given the relationship you have with this friend. I would definitely expect your dp to be invited given she knows how much of an impact he has in your lives.
I suggest speaking to her about it, if she is adamant then politely decline the invite.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:41:01

When we got married we accepted some of our friends and relatives had partners we had not met. We didn't feel it was right not to invite someone's partner, especially if they were married or living together just because we hadn't meet them.

Yes weddings are expensive, and yes it's the couples choice but it is a bit rude to exclude the DP purely on the basis that she's not meet him.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 31-Dec-13 17:42:02

I think if you've agree that the children can be attendants and DD has been fitted for her BM dress it's a bit (a lot) too late to pull out. I'd accept on behalf of yourself and the older children. Let DP choose whether he'd rather go along to the evening do only or stay at home with the youngest child.

Was she being rude not to invite him to the whole thing? Yes, especially if you live together. But it was probably done for costs reasons and she hasn't met him so I think you have to let it go.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:43:22

diddl: After 2yrs together this month, DP & I have planned to start living together in late March. We have taken things very slowly after my exDH killed himself (before I met DP) because of the feelings and needs of my DCs. We have left lots of time for the DCs to get to know DP and be comfortable and excited about the next step towards a permanent commitment.

CatsRule: She is aware of what she's done, she has emailed me prior to invites being extended. She has suggested that as she understands DP and I would like a nice weekend away together that he is invited to the evening. Why would DP and I choose to stay in Uckfield for the weekend unless there was a reason ?? Astoundingly crass and thoughtless email INHO

natwebb79 Tue 31-Dec-13 17:44:41

I've never understood why people make such a big deal about this. She's probably very limited numbers wise for the daytime event. Seriously, why can't your DP just chill out/explore the local area in the day and join you for the evening? It's not rocket science and really not worth pissing your friend off.

greenfolder Tue 31-Dec-13 17:44:48

If she is a close friend then you need to speak to her properly about this. You possibly need to acknowledge that you have not met respective partner s and need to put that right. She clearly doesn't understand the dynamics of your new family.give her a chance to correct that.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:45:01

Hummm no I don't agree ghoul. Actually you have highlighted the issue that the bride wants some bits of the family to play a role but doesn't want to invite the rest of the family that comes along with it.

JodieGarberJacob Tue 31-Dec-13 17:47:41

Just a thought, has the invite come from her parents who may have just asked her if you have a boyfriend and didn't ask further questions re status etc? It's very odd that you and your dcs have a big part in the wedding but your partner doesn't have a full invite. Even if you only had a casual boyfriend I would still expect him to have a full invite.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 17:48:11

Ask her to dinner so she can meet your DP and say her DH-to-be can just come in for pudding!!

See if she gets it!!

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