To be thinking about sacking a bridesmaid?

[wyldchyld]

Ugh......

I'm getting married in June (engaged last February) and am aged 22. I'm actually very chilled about the whole thing - apart from one bridesmaid who is now worrying me slightly...

I have three bridesmaids - my lovely 16 yo DSis who is my Chief BM and a total superstar, my godsister (23) who has known me donkeys years and has always been there despite not loads of contact, and another girl (23) who I met about 5 years ago and was very very close to aka BM3.

Here begineth trouble!

BM3 lives quite close to me whilst the others are further away yet I have less contact with her! We used to hang out and chat a lot. BUT it's all gone downhill and I'm considering asking her to back out. AIBU?

Firstly, she was REALLY difficult about her dress - "I don't do that style" or "I won't consider that colour". Then, we found the dresses and she was insistent she was a 12. Fair enough. Bought it - spent a month asking her to come try it so if it was no good, I could swap it within the warranty. She ignored the texts / calls. Finally came round - dress miles too small and said she wanted 16. Had to go and lie and eventually managed to swap the dress. No sweat, kept very calm.

Then got all 3 BMs to meet - had to go and pick her up and make it later in the day than planned as she'd decided to go visit a friend and "couldn't" rearrange. Friend lives 10 mins away and is unemployed.

Then, invited her to come and try on her dress with my and DSis when I tried on my dress to see how they looked, and arranged to drive her. Arranged a time for her to get to mine - no show - rang and rang and was v. nearly late - she eventually answered and said she's decided to go into work for overtime.

FINALLY tries second dress on and very overly critical about dress being miles too big - fits like a glove.

Anyway, can live with all that but she has now suddenly gone silent - keep inviting her round for tea, offering to meet up - she'll say she's at work doing the early shift so invite her for tea but she can't cause she's "working the late shift". Her office is locked at 8pm but she's "working til 11". I know for a fact she can't.

I don't expect her to do BM chores or anything weird like that but to keep in touch would be nice... or to reply to calls / texts / FB messages / anything! She claims she's not going out and just at work constantly but is constantly tagged / photographed out with friends and won't make time for me.

We paid for expensive designer dresses for them on the proviso that they paid for their shoes and jewellery (£35 in total!) - I texted her to remind her - no reply. Again.

Soon to be DH and DM (And DSis) have said try talking to her but consider ditching... I feel like a total bridezilla! She also throws a strop at the drop of a hat and is very attention seeking - particularly after a drink, which she likes a few of!

Sorry for the long post but I feel really torn... We've got a very big, fancy venue which we are travelling a long way to because it has family significance and I don't want my day being stressed by her.

[Xfirefly]

ditch her!! she sounds like a nightmare

[gordyslovesheep]

sorry you lost when she was unemployed but working over time

[Emo76]

Ask her if she really wants to do it - because you get the impression she doesn't want to be involved (and it's not just about turning up on the day...) Give her the chance to back out before sacking her. But she has been appalling by the sounds of it. You don't come across as Bridezilla either!

[Xfirefly]

The OPs bridesmaids friend is unemployed.

[Tinkertaylor1]

You know the answer!

Get rid , she is spoiling the run up !

[LineRunner]

If you want permission to ask her to step away, then I am sure you will get it from MN!

[BuffyxSummers]

Sack her. She's negative before the wedding and she will be negative at the wedding. Don't have her spoiling your day.

[DangerousBeanz]

Just ask her straight out if she still wants to be your bridesmaid, it sounds tome like she's trying to back out of it anyway. But yeah you need to get rid really.

[WaffilyVersatile]

It depends whether you want to keep her as a friend. Has she got anything going on that might be making her a little negative?

[SweetSeraphim]

Well she obviously doesn't want to be bridesmaid! Did she seem pleased when you asked her?

[Walkacrossthesand]

I'm afraid I wouldn't ask her if she wants to back out, because any answer other than 'yes' is unacceptable - I suspect she'll want to be BM but continue to approach the whole thing on her terms. No, I'm afraid it's tough talk time - agreeing to be a BM is a commitment over and above turning up on the day, she's had several chances to show that commitment & hasn't, so regretfully you're going to have to let her go. No hard feelings and all that although brace yourself for the fury. And please, if she claims that she's been working hard etc etc, say drily 'that's not the impression one forms from FB'.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I think you need to have a serious talk with her - or, at the very least, a serious email. Tell her what you have told us here - how her behaviour is affecting you, and that you are seriously considering sacking her as a bridesmaid. Ask her if there is something going on in her life that is making her behave this way (avoiding you, lying, being difficult about the brdesmaid's dress etc).

Give her a deadline by which you need to have heard from her, and had a proper conversation about all this, and if she gets in touch, hear her out and then make a decision. If she doesn't get in touch, or responds negatively, sack her.

[Ubik1]

Years ago you just had to turn up on the day, wear the horrid peach satin dress, snog the best man and go home again

being a bridemaid is so much work these days...

[pigletmania]

I would just come out with it and tell her that you feel her hearts not in it, therefore prefer her not to be BM. She sounds very flaky

[wyldchyld]

Ubik1 - that's all I expect of her as a bridesmaid - other than being a friend and meeting me halfway in terms of putting in some effort.

I think I knew the answer - she finished a degree in Social Work in July and decided against working as a social worker to spend a year working as an admin assistant to find herself (she wanted a year to party and work out what she's doing) and I don't know if she's upset that I'm settling down and not doing the going out / getting tipsy thing like I used to...

Thanks for the advice everyone! I started worrying that it was me and I was being the bride from hell haha

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

Come back and tell us what happens!!

[minglemanglemunchkin]

Wow. I could have written your post. Word for word. (FWIW, I did ditch her and never regretted it, although it did cause a few wider ructions l think it was definitely the right decision)

[Amy106]

You are not being a Bridezilla but it doesn't seem like she wants to be involved any more. Give her a chance to back out and hopefully she will take it. Some people hate it when they are not the centre of attention and she may be jealous of the attention you naturally receive as the bride.

[PorkPieandPickle]

I had similar problems to this and didn't ditch her but wish I had!! Sack her!!

[PorkPieandPickle]

I had similar problems to this and didn't ditch her but wish I had!! Sack her!!

[Electryone]

Just think how stressed you will be worrying if she turns up, how she will behave etc. Why would you want someone like that as a BM anyway?

[ViviPru]

Same as PorkPie. Go with your gut, OP sort it now before it escalates. I wish I had

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

As someone who sacked a bridesmaid I say do it. My "friend" did pretty much what you have mentioned, nothing dramatic just constantly being awkward, I never asked for anything really just turn up here, have you got shoes really easy stuff. And it was just too stressful.
Not friends now, but she was just a single drinking buddy so not a great loss in the grand scheme of things.

[MistressDeeCee]

Get rid of her. She's not interested in you or your wedding, so dont bother having her as bridesmaid. Unfortunately some people become deliberately unpleasant about something thats going to bring you joy, they love to put a spoke in the build-up so you feel anxious. I wouldnt even have got as far as asking on Mumsnet, Id have dumped her already. & if she's not in contact she'd only find out when she contacted me again. Life's too short to put up with silly people, just get rid

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

We paid for expensive designer dresses for them on the proviso that they paid for their shoes and jewellery (£35 in total!)

On the whole you sound quite reasonable, but this one thing really got my goat. You paid for dresses that matched YOUR colour scheme for YOUR wedding, that will probably never be worn again. Please don't act like you have done them a favour.