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To think we have THREE children and it's not ok to exclude one just because they are not a blood relative?

(144 Posts)
GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 18:15:10

I have one DC from a previous relationship and two with my husband. All three have been treated as OUR children by the majority of the family.

However, one couple on H's side wouldn't ever buy birthday or Christmas gifts for our eldest. When they had DC of their own (3 years ago) they started buying for him.

However, h and I separated 4 months ago but still on good terms. This Christmas all his family bought for our three children with the exception of this couple. They did buy for my H's biological DC though.

AIBU to think this is disgusting? Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean my eldest is not H's child. To put into context, H has been in eldest's life since age two and he does not see his biological father and receives no gifts or maintenance from him. My H still considers him as his son and pays maintenance for him.

RandyRudolf Fri 27-Dec-13 18:17:01

They sound delightful. Personally I think I would make a new year resolution to cut them out of my life.

WilsonFrickett Fri 27-Dec-13 18:17:16

YANBU. Awful, petty behaviour. If you and Xp are on good terms, can you ask him to have a word?

verytellytubby Fri 27-Dec-13 18:17:35

They sound horrible. I would cut them out.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 18:20:43

Depends. Do you want to try and have a relationship with them and their child? If so, I would tell them how hurt you were when they ignored your eldest child until they had their own and how confused and disappointed you are now they have done it again. See what they say then proceed accordingly.

If you won't want to bother with them anymore just stop talking to them and return anything they send for the rest of the children.

How lovely that your DH is not being a twat and dumping your eldest because things haven't stayed working for you as a couple.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 18:28:47

Thank you everyone. I'm absolutely livid angry.

Eldest was meant to go to his aunts for her annual Boxing Day get together but was really ill Christmas Day and Boxing Day so H just took our youngest two.

I've just gone to drop them all off at his for his weekend contact and he handed our eldest his presents from the relatives but it was fairly obvious that there was one missing as our youngest two got more.

This couple are BIL and his girlfriend. The whole family hates his girlfriend but refuse to confront her twattish behaviour. It did play a small part in our breakup because I was sick to death of my husband allowing his SIL to treat me and my DC like shit. I've already cut them both out.

Tomorrow is our youngest's birthday party and they will both be there. I'm going to have to bite my tongue, I'm so angry. It's totally unfair on all our DC. Our youngest will become old enough to notice this unfairness. This is their brother ffs!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 18:33:54

Start as you mean to go on. Text them they are uninvited. Stop just tolerating such shit from them. You and your kids deserve more.

maddy68 Fri 27-Dec-13 18:35:47

I think your oh should tell them tbh.

BrianTheMole Fri 27-Dec-13 18:38:36

I would say they can't come. Or get ex dh to do it. Twats. You don't have to deal with her anymore.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 18:38:53

I would love to Toffee.

H and I have argued a lots over this woman. She has pulled the most horrendous PA crap over the 12 years I've known her. H is totally ineffectual when dealing with his family. It's rarely an issue because I get on with all of them bar this one woman and as a consequence, BIL, because I am shocked that he could let her treat his family this way.

I told H that I didn't want her at any of our family events because she has proven time and time again that she doesn't care for them and is perfectly happy to use them as a weapon against us. He refused to disinvite her because his brother will fall out with him hmm. In my book, family don't behave in this way and therefore they're no family of ours.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 18:41:02

Do it, seriously.

She doesn't give a shit about your child,

Your husband cares more about his brother than your child.

YOU are the only one who can stand up for your child.

You won't be losing anything!

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 18:44:08

Forgot to mention that I'm glad that DS had to miss the Boxing Day thing because I'm imagining it would have been awkward for him to be excluded in front of the whole family in this way. I can't believe they were going to conscionably hand over presents to our DDs but nothing for our son shock.

How can people treat a child like this? This is the only family he has ever known. He's been in their lives since aged two. Bastards.

BrianTheMole Fri 27-Dec-13 18:44:34

If he can't do it, then you do it.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 18:45:20

This is the final straw Toffee and I will be telling my husband such. Either they are all treated fairly or they are treated equally by receiving nothing from them.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Fri 27-Dec-13 18:46:29

I would say in front if everyone ... Sorry it seems "whatever your child is called" can't find his gift from you.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 18:53:00

You can't rely on your husband to do the right thing for your child so you must.

bamboostalks Fri 27-Dec-13 18:59:19

I see so many of these threads where parents are enraged because their children are being slighted in some way by bio relatives of other children. All children are not equal to all people. There are so many steps, halves etc in my family that I couldn't possibly buy for all, it would become ludicrous. I'm not emotionally invested in them all, it doesn't make me a bad person. They have their own families that have no interest in their further siblings yet that's not seen as a problem. It's very presumptuous expecting wider step families to take on 2/3 children who arrive in their family.

HissymasJumper Fri 27-Dec-13 19:00:08

Seriously, ditch that witch!

Return and NEVER accept gifts from them again for the youngest two.

They are disgusting human beings and don't deserve to know your lovely children.

Caitlin17 Fri 27-Dec-13 19:02:18

Why do you think this woman should have any interest in your son?

And why do you expect to get presents for any of your children from your husband's brother?

Caitlin17 Fri 27-Dec-13 19:03:57

I agree Bamboosticks

gamerchick Fri 27-Dec-13 19:06:00

I'm with bamboo.

I buy for the granddaughter but not her brothers.. who have their own dads and their families. Where the hell does it stop?

I don't expect my kids to be bought for who joined the family in the same way.. They have their own dad.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:06:47

I don't expect anything from them. I expect them to treat all our children equally. So if they don't want to buy for all, they should buy for none. They have plenty of friend's children for whom they buy. We're not talking about your standard blended family scenario. This is my son's father since he doesn't see his biological dad and hasn't since he was one (ex's choice). They managed to buy when it suited them. But he's no longer family because we've separated?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 19:08:05

This is different. The child has been brought up as family since he was 2. He isn't the child of their relatives 3 week romance ffs.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:09:14

How about if he'd been adopted by my husband? Which is what we wanted to do but my ex wouldn't allow it.

MammaTJ Fri 27-Dec-13 19:20:13

I disagree with Bamboo. My own DD was totally taken in by all DPs family when we got together.

She has her own Dad, but no other family on his side, so this made an awful difference to her life, just by being so thoughtful.

Not all children have their fathers family to buy for them and spoil them and treat them well, the OPs DS certainly does not.


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