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AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

(327 Posts)
CosyTeaBags Fri 27-Dec-13 13:13:06

Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 13:18:17

I am not sure what you wanted him to say to you, bow down to you for giving up on your principles for him do you think he takes you for granted or something and the fox hunt was the straw that broke the camels back, if it is that then you need to look at your relationship, fwiw I would rather poke my eyes out than go to something like that but each to their own

billyokey Fri 27-Dec-13 13:18:53

you chose to go, why would you want 'praise'? confused confused YABU

Floralnomad Fri 27-Dec-13 13:20:06

I don't think you should get a medal or his thanks ,you should have stayed at home ,you went against your principles ,why do you expect him to be grateful ? I seriously can't understand why you went and TBH you are either incredibly stupid or all that you said about yourself is utter tosh .

ceeveebee Fri 27-Dec-13 13:20:19

I'm not sure why you think you should be proud of yourself for going against everything you believe in for the sake of pleasing a man. And if he had anything about him he wouldn't have wanted you to either.

silkknickers Fri 27-Dec-13 13:20:30

100% behind what MrsJay said.

SantasPelvicFloor Fri 27-Dec-13 13:21:01

I'll take the fox hunting out of it and swop to being taken to a car racing event which scared you and you dislike on environmental grounds. I would suggest blowing your top at DP was venting but not helpful to a conversation about managing your different opinions on the activity. I guess he doesn't appreciate your strong feeling as he's used to it (and is possibly in a parallel universe of mansnet bemoaning a stroppy irrational DP)

Is it a deal breaker for you?
If not, just say no next year.

eatyouwithaspoon Fri 27-Dec-13 13:21:27

You should get over yourself, he said thank you what more do you want? I wouldnt have gone end of

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:04

I'm not sure why you think you should be proud of yourself for going against everything you believe in for the sake of pleasing a man. And if he had anything about him he wouldn't have wanted you to either

^ ^ this if he had any sort of sense he wouldnt have expected you to go anyway

Hawkmoth Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:26

Er. What?

Mignonette Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:28

Maybe if you'd have stuck to your guns he'd have reacted in a less wishy washy way. Maybe he feels guilty and is projecting it back onto you? Maybe he feels embarrassed that you didn't join in with the 'tally ho' brigade.

Either way I'd stick to my principles in future. Surely if you felt that strongly you'd not have gone? What about the fact that BF doesn't respect your principles? What if he sees you as a b it of a pushover in that he just blindly does what he wants, ignoring your requests for compromise because your actions have sadly shown him that you are very easy to walk all over?

I wouldn't have gone and a morning to myself in the chaos and noise of Christmas would be heaven.

Ladyglamalot Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:34


maddy68 Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:41

You'll have a great time, following the hunt generally involves getting pissed. Enjoy

marialuisa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:23:18

You sound a bit OTT to me. Why are you so scared of horses?

AKAK81 Fri 27-Dec-13 13:23:25

You sound like a nightmare. Hopefully he'll drop you like a hot rock. My advice to him - leave the bitch!

Sirzy Fri 27-Dec-13 13:23:53

You chose to go. As an adult you have free will and could easily have said no to going.

WooWooOwl Fri 27-Dec-13 13:23:53

YABU to want gratitude and praise to the extent you seem to.

He said thank you, but it sounds like he could have done more to acknowledge that you were finding it tough at the time you were actually at the hunt.

You seem to need him to go overboard with gratitude to validate the fact that it was difficult for you because you did something that goes against your own values, and you're not comfortable with that.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 27-Dec-13 13:23:55

You shouldn't have gone, you feel too strongly about it - you have not paid enough attention to your feelings.

Words of 'praise' would not make up for that - and they shouldn't as that would be you getting your validation from outside yourself.

dozeydoris Fri 27-Dec-13 13:24:42

Your terrified is another person's exhilarated.


You fake enjoying yourself or don't go.

MintyChops Fri 27-Dec-13 13:25:01

YABVVU and if you sell out on your principles so easily then don't expect him to think they were so strongly held in the first place. You should have stayed on your own as suggested by him if you really objected.

5OBalesofHay Fri 27-Dec-13 13:26:19

But you do care what other people do, otherwise there wouldn't have been all the invective about the red coated tally Ho brigade. As you say, the hunt didn't do anything wrong.

I take it your upset as the horses scared you. Maybe spend a bit of time getting used to them in a controllef way?. You might find you like them?

I can't really see what anyone's done wrong. You were given the option of not going

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 27-Dec-13 13:26:31

See I would dump a man for even suggesting this; I once dumped someone for turning up to a date in the wrong shoes*. I could never ever go out with someone whose principles were so vastly different.

*They were loafers, like the ones the old time 70s comedians used to wear. With a metal bar. Bleurgh.

DizzyZebra Fri 27-Dec-13 13:26:54

1) It wasnt a fox hunt so im not sure what exactly about it compromises your views on animal cruelty, Or what foxes have got to do with it. Drag hunting is not fox hunting.

2) If you are terrified of horses, im not sure why your OH should have to not go just so youre not home alone. My other half is terrified of tarantulas. Guess whats sat in the corner of the room. He doesnt go in its tank or let it out so i am frankly baffled as to why you would do this and then be angry with your OH.

OOAOML Fri 27-Dec-13 13:27:06

I think you and he both know that you shouldn't have gone.

mrsjay Fri 27-Dec-13 13:27:17

I have been with my husband for decades he loves fishing i have never been i really don't want to see him hitting a fish over the head with an iron bar <shudder> OP your principles sound a bit wishy washy tbh

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