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to move house even though DS1 really really really doesn't want to.

(35 Posts)
HankyScore Thu 26-Dec-13 18:00:15

Our house is too small. Christmas has confirmed it for me. I've had enough.

We have been tossing around the idea of extending but tbh we still wouldn't end up with the space we need and it will be a massive upheaval.

So I've been playing around with figures today and looking on Rightmove and we can move to a much bigger house sooner than I thought.

DS1 is eleven. He has always said he doesn't want to move, but he is now having a proper foot stamp about it. He is very attached to this house. It's next door to my parents and across the road from my sister, we have great neighbours with similar aged kids, and he doesn't like change at the best of times. Even the fact that he would get his own bedroom hasn't convinced him.

I'm not actually going to let the whims of a preteen dictate where we live, but he's really resistant. How evil is it to ride roughshod over his feelings and move house? Will he hate me for ever?

I don't tend to hang about once I've made a decision and I'm all for putting the house on the market NOW. AIBU?

pixwix Thu 26-Dec-13 23:33:13

^ like imperial blether said...

MummySantaHoHoHo Thu 26-Dec-13 23:36:50

my mother made us move (to a shitty area to keep my sister happy as her friends were there) when I was 17, as soon as I feasibly could I moved out.

I can see his reasoning is sound, you aren't just talking about a house move, you are now talking about a complete lifestyle change for him, "next door to my parents and across the road from my sister, we have great neighbours with similar aged kids", I reluctantly moved my 5 year old, about 10 weeks ago and his heart is still in our old house, but if I had had to throw all the above into the mix, I don't think I could have done it.

If you move you are going to have to seriously consider how you are going to give him what he has now, because although he is 11, he is old enough to know his mind and his own feelings.

Moving him away from his family, who I assume he is exceptionally close to, will mean more than some posters are giving him credit for.

MeMySonAndI Thu 26-Dec-13 23:48:58

I don't think that children should have a say on whether you move or not or where you move to. You are the adult here, a child doesn't consider the circumstances of the movd in the way that you do.

Having said that, considering the amount if family you have around, and the amount of contact you may have with them, this is a propper uprooting as the way you relate to these people will change as a result if the move. You will also loose a good network of support that might be handy to have during the teenagd years.

I second the idea of getting an architect to review the options before moving.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 26-Dec-13 23:58:16

My Dsis went through this with her 10 yo. She was worried he would never forgive her. The whole palaver was forgotten within days of them moving in.

Year six is a tough time for many kids, and combine that with moving house - he may feel that everything is changing beyond his control.

Sympathise with him, but don't let him make the decisions. Allow him to vent etc, but as far as possible present it as a done deal. I dont have kids myself, but from what I see from DNs and godchildren, they often find the thought of a big change harder than the reality of it.

kreecherlivesupstairs Fri 27-Dec-13 04:43:32

YANBU. We have moved back to the UK after 13 years away. DD really didn't want to leave Malaysia but it wasn't feasible for us to commute.
We live around 2 miles from my parents, she is at a brilliant school and it really was the best thing for all of us.

coralanne Fri 27-Dec-13 04:55:43

We moved 6 hours away from family and friends when DS was 11. We lasted a year and then moved back. He was so miserable and was actually pining for his family and friends.

His school was amazed because he was performing brilliantly but we explained that he wasn't the type of child who would start playing up or neglecting his schoolwork just because he was miserable.

I would move to a larger home but try to stay in the vicinity of family and friends. Don't listen to people who say an 11 year shouldn't even be consulted.

TheZeeTeam Fri 27-Dec-13 05:09:19

I read these kinds of threads with a mix of incredulity and worry. We've moved our kids 4000 miles and they've moved house 4 times in the last 7 years. Your child will be fine as long as you are fine.

coralanne Fri 27-Dec-13 05:38:22

That's true TheZee some kids are fine. My DD who was 9 at the time of our move had a million friends and was involved in all her usual clubs within a week of our move.

Unfortunately some children do have difficulty with moving. My DS had the same friends from playgroup, pre school and then school right up until he was eleven.

His cousins used to stay at our home every weekend and build huge lego cities with him and had ongoing stories, even to the extent of putting people in jail for various reasons. Each actual lego year represented one real month.

He was a different child when we returned to our home city. He actually moved back 3 months before us and stayed with my sister so he could go back to his old school.

He is now in his twenties and loves travelling but always glad to return to familiar surroundings. He still has most of the same friends he has known since he was a child. They get together on a regular basis and play rugby together.

glastocat Fri 27-Dec-13 05:40:05

I agree TheZeeTeam, we moved to Oz in Feb with our 11 year old, he used to hate change and really didn't know what to expect ( neither did we!) anyway he loves it and thinks life here is a big improvement, his confidence has blossomed too.

TheFunStopsHere Fri 27-Dec-13 05:49:08

I think teaching children about resilience and coping with change is an important life skill. Many adults don't seem to have this skill themselves. That doesn't mean ignoring his feelings, but going through the process with him allowing him to adjust and work through it and see for himself the positive benefits of change and to learn for himself that he is okay.

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