Was I wrong or right in this situation?(47 Posts)
As the mother of a 3.5yr old DD, I think you did the exact right thing! My DD understands far more than I give her credit for, and certainly understands turning on waterworks to get what she wants! And she is beginning to understand the value of money, which your DD will soon do too, especially if you carry on like this. And I certainly don't think 3 is too young!
Maybe for your little one, it was too much information to process and she couldn't understand. But your friend should have kept schtum.
God there are some really nasty and personal posts on here today. Just seen it in my own thread. Is it the time of year?
It wont break the bank?
I ve got 3dcs and if i gave in every time they cried i would be homeless and in debt by now.
Op i dont think you were cruel, i think that you have been very good at teaching your dd how life and money and choices work.
Your friend was unreasonable but im sure she meant well and it was the festive spirit and the sales.
bengal, if a 3 year old can't understand...is it cruel to say no if she asks for ten things rather than two? If she picks something that costs £100 and thinks she can buy it with her tenner? Next time she goes shopping and wants everything she sees? Where does your "cruel" stop??
My children all capable of understanding "you can choose ONE" - in fact, my nearly 2 year old can understand it - she might not like it, or understand why, but she understands the difference between one and two.
I think you were right.
3.5 is not too young to start understanding that "one thing" means 1 thing. and busting to tears doesn't make money appear or make "one thing" mean 2 things.
Kind of with dojo on this; why did you need to go shopping today? Why not just enjoy the stuff she had and sit on the cash for a while?
I think at that age giving an open choice is too stressful for a child. Choices should be between two or three things otherwise it's too overwhelming.
Even my 1 year old dd understands that when she can have one thing that means one thing. For example we went to the local asdas and she found a cat toy and a baby toy that she wanted, we told her she could have one, but not both. As a treat for being so good that day. She put one back. End of.
It is not cruel to teach your children that they can't have everything. if you let her have both because she turns on the water works she will just try it every time (like my dd does with her nan because it works).
Good on you for sticking to your guns! (even if you feel a bit mean at the time)
My ds2 is three. Went shopping last week with £10. Each thing we picked up we explained if he had enough and if he had left how much. He loves Thomas tank and understood that he only had enough for one train but had left over enough for play dough or crayons. I think important to learn value of money.
No, you werent cruel, what a silly suggestion!
I am sure that this is a lesson usefully learned. The only note I would offer is that if she has picked something up then she must put it down again before wandering round the shop looking further. Just a good shopping habit .
I don't think you were cruel, however I do question the wisdom of taking her out to spend her Christmas money so soon after the big day - the frenzy of gift opening does tend to give children a bit of a 'getting things' high, so maybe she would have found it easier to just have the one item if there had been a bit of normal life between Christmas and the shopping trip.
Just to add, my eldest'd DP was bought up differently and it has taken years to teach him what should be a basic life skill, it has put strain on my DD at times.
More annoyingly his Parents have expected my DD to pay off his debts to them, at times, they were told "tough, you lent it, knowing how his is".
I used to to that with my three DD's and was bought up the same.
My DD's are 16-28, they had excellent money/budgeting skills from a young age. My eldest worked three paper rounds at 13 and impressed everyone with her saving ability.
She had her own home at 19. My middle DD works full time at 18 and has already extensively travelled, she could be totally self sufficient.
I left my parents house and ran my own home from 17.
You are teaching an important life skill that is dying out, because of Molly coddling.
Not unreasonable at all. Very young children can understand choice. I'd be very pissed off if a friend of mine undermined DH or me in the same circumstance.
Oh God yes, I know a 17 year old like that. He's NEVER had any consequences for bad behaviour and as a result he can be utterly horrible, but 5 mins later wonder, openly, why people are pissed off with him. His friends are dropping away one by one, and I don't blame them.
3 year olds can understand one and two, these are very basic number concepts. Mine has been able to do adding and subtracting numbers under 10 for at least the last 6 months now (just past 4th birthday so since she was 3.5). This doesn't mean they don't try it on with daft tantrums and 'traumatised face' after being told they can't buy armfuls of tat every supermarket trip- I think that takes until about 18 tbh! OP YWNBU at all, and it's annoying when friends offer them things going against what you've said (actually I've had strangers doing it when I've said no sweeties. ffs). I really wouldn't pay too much attention to her being sad about it still afterwards- maybe you could give her a sticker chart so she can save up towards the doll clothes later, but tbh mine was still sad half an hour later when we went to an outdoor shop and 'the poor tents were left outside in the rain!' so think you don't need to take it too seriously at this age.
Me too, LtEve. My dd seems to be unscathed. She turns 19 tomorrow and isn't prone to tantrums. I know at least one of her peers that is though, after 18 years of no one ever saying 'no' to her.
Had DD have tantrummed for 'extra' after being told she could only have ONE thing, then she wouldn't have had either - it would have been the end of shopping trip, and a drive back home.
So I'm probably WORSE than cruel to Bengal (although I can't be doing too badly, DD is a delight)
skippy sometimes its hard to say to no to our kids or see them so upset IME so i totally get your post and it's nice to check with in with other parents once in a while about this sort of stuff.
I dont think you did the wrong thing. I think she is old enough to understand choices or at least begin to learn about them through experience.
What is the alternative? Say yes and buy everything indiscrimminately. This is why you see horrible little brats having tantrums still at the age of 6 because they have been conditioned to expect to get what they want by 'UNCRUEL' parents like bengal38
You explained it simply to her. She's just had a shed load of presents. I think you did the right thing.
Not getting everything you want is an excellent lesson for a child of 3 to learn.
Bengal, if you think the OP is cruel, I must be an absolute monster because when mine were that age any hint of that behaviour would have resulted in going home with nothing. Though tbh, dd would have understood and respected the original concept of one thing only and not made a fuss anyway.
Not cruel at all. She was told she could have one thing, not two things. simple enough for a nursery age child to understand.
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