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Visitor who brought nothing. Unreasonable or not?

(89 Posts)
littlewhitechristmasbag Thu 26-Dec-13 08:02:35

My ex SIL spends every Christmas with us along with lots of other family members. She is like a sister to me and I love her to bits so no issue with this.

Ex SIL has a new boyfriend this year. Has been with him around 9 mths and I have met him twice previously. He had his Christmas dinner with his family and he was then coming to mine to spend the evening and stay over to Boxing Day.

Everyone who come to mine on Christmas Day gets a gift so I bought him a pack of three local beers as I was aware he liked beer. He arrived with gifts for ex SIL and a small gift for her daughter. He also brought some beers for himself to drink. He brought nothing else.

I want to know of it is just me but I would never go to someone's home where I was going to stay over without at least a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he should have at least brought a token gift for the hosts? It is making me think badly of him and I don't want to think like this.

MidniteScribbler Thu 26-Dec-13 08:51:09

I would generally not expect both partners in a couple to provide a gift and/or contribution. I'd expect them to come as a package deal.

AlaskaNebraska Thu 26-Dec-13 08:52:10

xmas is all about gifts -- oh and jesus-- he has seriously missed the point if he cant even get a bottle of cava ffs

cardamomginger Thu 26-Dec-13 08:56:53

is it possible that sil said not to bother because she was bringing and that would be enough?

Lifeisaboxofchocs Thu 26-Dec-13 08:57:32


He is a guest. It would have been a nice touch, but absolutely nothing wrong with him not bringing anything. I wouldn't dream of turning up without something. Nevertheless, I would not possibly get upset or feel indignant if someone turned up without anything.

I hope you managed to hide your feelings and didn't wonder around with a catsbum face on Christmas Day.

cardamomginger Thu 26-Dec-13 08:57:37

bringing FOOD.

sodding nexus

NearTheWindmill Thu 26-Dec-13 09:00:36

Ex SIL might have told him not to worry because she was bringing stuff. I wouldn't judge too soon, you might get a bunch of flowers delivered next week.

Hexbugsmakemeitch Thu 26-Dec-13 09:02:17

My DSis is lovely, kind, funny etc etc.

She never brings a hostess present. Ever.

I'm not sure why not, my Mum always took simething for the host when we were growing up and I always take flowers/choc/wine to her house. But she never takes anything to Mum, my Aunts, PILs or me.

I'n sure she doesn't mean to be rude.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 26-Dec-13 09:05:59

I have stayed with loads of people - family & friends and have loads of people stay with me (not necessarily the same people iyswim), don't take things and people don't bring things. It all comes out in the wash. People who are doing the visiting have the cost & hassle of travelling and the people who are hosting have the cost & hassle of people staying. Gifts seem completely unnecessary to me and thankfully to F&F IRL.

If they had arrived together would you have felt differently? Would what 'they' had brought been enough between them?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 26-Dec-13 09:13:58

It annoys me when people say 'I'm sure she didn't mean to be rude' - just because it's what YOU do, doesn't make it RUDE that others don't do it. Really it doesn't.

PTFO Thu 26-Dec-13 09:15:58

yanbu. Flowers would have been his answer to you hosting him overnight. Its only manners to say thank you.

WhereMyMilk Thu 26-Dec-13 09:21:59

DH's brother comes to us every year for Christmas dinner-always has a gift from us-wouldn't leave him out and he always arrives empty handed-not even something for DC or a bottle of beer that he would drink to himself!!! He'd rather drink ours! Also doesn't offer to help in any way-though I wouldn't take him up on it, but the offer would be appreciated!

DH thinks it's funny-I think it's fucking rude!

So OP-no, YANBU!

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Thu 26-Dec-13 09:26:08

Visitor was unreasonable and unseasonable. It's odd to have long arms on Christmas day.

In ordinary circumstances I would take a a bottle, cake and flowers. For Christmas day I would make more of an effort.

It's not about a gift for you, a selection box for dc would have been a thoughtful gesture.

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 09:27:36

As a family, the person hosting events like Christmas doesn't host it in the sense of a normal party. We split tasks.
It would be easier to you to tell your DBIL or DSis to specifically bring something to contribute to the party. For example, drinks, or desserts or nibbles.

LynetteScavo Thu 26-Dec-13 09:27:53

It wouldn't bother me.

But then I'm used to this sort of behaviour.

If he takes the beers he hasn't drunk with him when he leaves I would be a bit hmm (DH has friends who do this!)

FalalalalalalaFiggy Thu 26-Dec-13 09:28:55

I think it's a bloke thing they just don't think like that

But not it wouldn't bother me

Oddsocksrus Thu 26-Dec-13 09:29:54

We don't go to anyone's house without taking something a cake, wine, flowers, chocolates whichever combination seems best for the person.
It is polite to say thank you for hospitality, we usually pick things that we would like to be given.

I have a massive problem with people bringing drinks just for themselves, unless there is a dietary reason, they expect you to share everything of yours why not reciprocate?

flipchart Thu 26-Dec-13 09:31:00

It wouldn't occur to me to be bothered.

Snowdown Thu 26-Dec-13 09:31:19

Does the boyfriend still live with his parents?

onedev Thu 26-Dec-13 09:32:17

I agree with you Op & think that he should have brought a token present for the host but as he hasn't, I'd let it go. Not worth getting stressed about.

overmydeadbody Thu 26-Dec-13 09:33:50

When I stay at someone's house I give them a gift when I leave, to say thank you, not when I arrive.

Perhaps he will do this?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 09:35:59

It's not a bloke thing.

If you are accepting someone's hospitality it's nice to take them something To say you appreciate the effort surely.

Mind you I'm not taking much to mil today.

JohnnyBarthes Thu 26-Dec-13 09:36:09

How is taking a load of beer as a guest any different from me taking a bottle of wine, most of which I'll polish off myself (either the bottle I brought or one similar)? confused

Everyone who come to mine on Christmas Day gets a gift That's nice OP, but not everyone has that convention - in fact I don't think I've every heard it spelt out like that. Anyone who comes here gets a drink and a mince pie or whatever else I have on the go, if they want one. That doesn't make me rude, any more than your house guest was for supplying his own beer.

What would be rude (and parochial and a bit childish tbh) would be getting upset when people don't abide by your unwritten etiquette. But you're not doing that, so that's fine.

littlewhitechristmasbag Thu 26-Dec-13 09:43:51

Bf lives in his own house. He is in his 50's not a youth. He has never been married or had kids. Maybe he just didn't think. No cats bum face from me. I was a lovely hostess.

Snowdown Thu 26-Dec-13 09:44:20

I think there's a difference between taking a bottle of wine to be shared and taking beers to be consumed only by owner. You bring beers you hand them over, you may drink more or less than you brought but that's not the point.
Remember someone coming to my house for dinner, they brought 4 beers with them and at the end of the evening went to the fridge and removed their last beer and left with it in their pocket. Last time they got an invite - I was hopping mad!

yetanotherstatistic Thu 26-Dec-13 09:45:12

It's largely a bloke thing. IME it's normally the girlfriend/wife who organises the gift when they are part of a couple.

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