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AIBU?

Visitor who brought nothing. Unreasonable or not?

88 replies

littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 08:02

My ex SIL spends every Christmas with us along with lots of other family members. She is like a sister to me and I love her to bits so no issue with this.

Ex SIL has a new boyfriend this year. Has been with him around 9 mths and I have met him twice previously. He had his Christmas dinner with his family and he was then coming to mine to spend the evening and stay over to Boxing Day.

Everyone who come to mine on Christmas Day gets a gift so I bought him a pack of three local beers as I was aware he liked beer. He arrived with gifts for ex SIL and a small gift for her daughter. He also brought some beers for himself to drink. He brought nothing else.

I want to know of it is just me but I would never go to someone's home where I was going to stay over without at least a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he should have at least brought a token gift for the hosts? It is making me think badly of him and I don't want to think like this.

OP posts:

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MinimalistMommi · 26/12/2013 08:05

If he hadn't bought beer for himself I would think you're being unreasonable. To give him the benefit of doubt maybe he bought beer as he knew he would drink it and he didn't want to drink yours....

Isn't expecting a present a bit materialistic?

MinimalistMommi · 26/12/2013 08:05

(Meaning he didn't want to drink yours because alcohol is expensive)

brettgirl2 · 26/12/2013 08:06

I think people see things differently. You can't make them have the same values as you. It is a minor thing get over it so yabu.

RooRooTaToot · 26/12/2013 08:06

Were the gifts that ex-SIL brought from both of them?

ThePearShapedToad · 26/12/2013 08:06

Quite agree. It's very rude behaviour to not bring even a small token of thanks. Not much you can do though, chalk it up to him being a bit rude, and smile, continue to play host, and hope that SIL doesn't continue to date him much further into 2014!

chanie44 · 26/12/2013 08:08

Sorry, it wouldn't bother me.

Whilst it's polite to bring the host a gift, I wouldn't expect it. He may have thought the Sil would have sorted something out from the pair of them.

JeanSeberg · 26/12/2013 08:10

Definitely not the done thing but hopefully he's just a bit thoughtless. Does he otherwise seem like a decent bloke?

Snowdown · 26/12/2013 08:11

I would give him the benefit of the doubt, he brought stuff, agree he should have brought something for the hosts but some people are bit aware that this is good manners especially if they don't tend to stay in other people's houses often.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 08:12

Ex SIL's. Gifts were just from her. She also brought some of the christmas dinner foods as that is what always happens.

I am not being materialistic at all. In fact I didn't really think about it until this morning but it keeps floating into my mind and I need to deal with it as I hardly know the guy and I don't want to be thinking uncharitable thoughts.

He isn't financially strapped I do know that. I also appreciate that he has brought what he wanted to drink so as not to put me out in getting his usual drinks.

It was more of a vague wondering rather than something I am very cross about.

OP posts:

littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 08:14

I agree that he probably just didn't think about it. Tbh i think he was very surprised to get a gift from us. Perhaps his family just don't do this. I am not going to give it anymore headroom.

OP posts:

Lweji · 26/12/2013 08:14

Did he say the beer was for him? It wasn't for anyone who would want to drink it?

BlackDaisies · 26/12/2013 08:18

I think you're right to feel as you do. It's not about you expecting or wanting present, it's about wanting him to be a considerate partner for your sister. Turning up with JUST your own beer is selfish.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 08:21

It was a fairly specific type of beer and when he arrived Ex SIL said she would put his beer in the fridge. I don't think it was offered to anyone else.

I think it is just about me and my own values. I always take a token for the hosts when we visit anyone.

OP posts:

ProfYaffle · 26/12/2013 08:22

While I agree with you re bringing wine or chocolates etc not everyone feels the same way. My mil actually gets offended by people bringing food with them, she feels it's some sort of slight on her hosting skills. I upset her for years by bringing chocolates/cake/homemade bread/alcohol etc with me every time I stayed over.

OK, it's just possible that my mil is odd () but maybe his family are similar?

cantthinkofagoodone · 26/12/2013 08:25

When you're a couple, presents are from both of you. I don't buy dh's family separate gifts from me.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 08:31

This isn't about the presents. Not at all. The Christmas gifts were definitly just from ex SIL.

This was more about someone coming to stay in my house as my guest not acknowledging their thanks in any way. To me this is rude. Maybe it isn't to others. That is why I am putting it out there to the MN population!

OP posts:

raisah · 26/12/2013 08:34

I personally would not go to somebodys house without a gift even if it is a box of chocs but that is just me.

saintmerryweather · 26/12/2013 08:34

I think it just doesnt occur to some people that it might be expected

LucyLasticKnickers · 26/12/2013 08:35

he obviously jsut didnt think. some people dont.

Aquariusgirl86 · 26/12/2013 08:37

I wouldn't go to someone's in Xmas day and turn up empty handed, even if it's someone you wouldn't usually buy for you would if you were seeing them Xmas day. My parents sometimes have a few waifs and strays (people who have no family or recently divorced and would be alone otherwise), these aren't people is usually buy for but a little gesture is nice when your spending Xmas day together

raisah · 26/12/2013 08:37

Posted too soon. I dont think YABU. I accidentally left behind chocolates that I had bought for my dhs uncle, he had invited us for dinner. I felt really bad so I arranged for flowers & chocs to be delivered the next day.

bigTillyMintspie · 26/12/2013 08:39

He is probably just thoughtless. Although the taking his own beers to drink is a bit odd - in our circle of family/friends we would take drink to share.

I don't think it would occur to DH to take a gift, but then he has me to do all that

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AlaskaNebraska · 26/12/2013 08:40

it s very rude imo

saidthecattothemouse · 26/12/2013 08:40

You are not being unreasonable. It is a breach of manners to be someone's guest and go to their house emptyhanded. However it does not occur to everyone, however nice they are. My DP attended Christmas dinner yesterday cooked by his sister but held in the home of his sister's DP's grandmother. He thought originally it was sufficient to take a present for his sister only as she was providing and cooking the dinner. I persuaded him to take a present for the grandmother too, and he took a large box of Quality Street. He was glad he had, as Grandma produced a present for him.

My DP is lovely in other ways. A nice guest to have, generous with lifts and other help. Is your sister's boyfriend nice in other ways, helping, saying thank you etc?

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 08:51

I would generally not expect both partners in a couple to provide a gift and/or contribution. I'd expect them to come as a package deal.

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