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AIBU?

to not speak to my 5 yr old on Christmas day?

45 replies

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 23:31

She's with her father, he collected her last night. We had our Christmas day on Monday and to me the actual date isn't that important - dd isn't fussed either. He knew we were having our Christmas then but didn't ask to speak to her then nor see, speak to or ask after her for the three weeks beforehand. He rarely has her for more than one night but on the odd occasion he's had her for two he's sometimes encouragedher to call me but if she starts deviating from what he's whispering to tell me (usually what he's bought) while I'm on loud speaker and she instead begins to talk about our home life he instantly puts the tv on so she's like a zombie and doesn't talk anymore.

She's back home tomorrow so when he said he'd get her to call me I said not to worry and to just enjoy their Christmas. Cue a text after she was in bed tonight telling me I'm a cold heartless bitch for not wanting to speak to my child on Christmas day

AIBU?

OP posts:

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Ifcatshadthumbs · 25/12/2013 23:35

He sounds like a dick but yes I probably would have called.

AwfulMaureen · 25/12/2013 23:41

I would have called too. Why didn't you?

Gruntfuttock · 25/12/2013 23:42

I would have wanted to speak to my 5 yr old daughter whether it was Christmas day or not. Maybe I'm odd.

BrianTheMole · 25/12/2013 23:43

Yes I see your point, he's a twat, but I would have still spoken to her. Tis not her fault.

Floralnomad · 25/12/2013 23:44

I would have called ,I would want to speak to my children everyday at that age . TBH it sounds like a very strange arrangement all round .

AngelinaCongleton · 25/12/2013 23:44

With that back story I can understand why you didn't. He sounds like a total dick. Talk to your dd when she gets home and decide for next time.

tiredandsadmum · 25/12/2013 23:46

I have similar-ish difficulties. DS (now age 8) goes to ex for half the holiday, so Christmas this year I didn't see him. I arranged to call (time, date etc) so it would be convenient. DS is put on a speaker phone, all the extended family are in the room, 2 years ago it was tea time (pre-arranged time for call) etc etc. I spoke to Ds for 3 min and 45 seconds today. My ex regards this as a victory, so I now neutralise this as best I can. So before DS goes to ex I say to DS that I would like to phone and speak to him, I chat lightly about things, show interest in what he is saying and when he says he must go, just lightly finish the call with lots of love. Like you I am doing my Christmas on another occasion. Possibly I think this cut-off almost helps DS cope with 2 families. These children (age 5 and 8) are still very young to be having long phone conversations with their nearest and dearest that they see nearly daily.

So no, yanbu.

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 23:46

Because she doesn't like speaking on the phone. He doesn't speak to her for several weeks between contact, I feel if I have to speak to her after a day it just emphasises that he doesn't give a toss the rest of the time. Plus he does everything in his power to distract her and listens in anyway so it seems pointless.

OP posts:

LondonNinja · 25/12/2013 23:46

Call her tomorrow morning and say (to her!) you're sorry that you didn't call today.

I can imagine he's been feeding her all kinds of crap...

NakedTigarCub · 25/12/2013 23:47

I would have called just to make sure she was ok with her dad as he sounds like a dick!

Up to you if you call her or not.

Bumply · 25/12/2013 23:48

I can't remember the last time the boys had Christmas with their dad, and I probably called them, but on the less and less frequent weekends I don't speak to them while they're at their dads.

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 25/12/2013 23:50

He's calling you names because he's a dick.
He's trying to control her when you are calling because he's a dick.

If you are happy with what you do with her, don't feel you should do what ex or anyone on the internet thinks you should do.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/12/2013 23:50

I would have called too. Couldnt not speak to my dcs in xmas day.

Ohhnoooo · 25/12/2013 23:51

It sounds like he has used this to have a go at you.
I'm with you OP doesn't matter about the date. When parents are no longer together you have to let go of sentiment over dates etc.
my dd now 9 would rarely come to the phone at that age. So it was best to leave it.... Rather than us get upset over it.

Don't feel bad, it's just a day.

DippityDoo · 25/12/2013 23:54

Totally understand and agree with you not to call, especially as you have already 'done' Christmas.

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 23:56

I know he'll probably have fed dd some crap but sadly for him, dd knows he's not to be trusted and wouldn't listen. I know she won't be remotely bothered and in fact would find it strange if I rang to say merry Christmas when we've had our Christmas already. I justfind it so hypocritical that he takes no interest in dd if she's doing anything with me but if he does anything with her she must repeat as he dictates to her down the phone about it

OP posts:

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 23:58

He also has form for turning tv/music up so she can't hear me. Last Christmas he did just that when she spoke about our plans and she said she spent most of the day crying because she wanted to come home

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2013 00:02

Agree it doesn't matter about the actual date, your kid is too young to know the difference.

Your ex is just using it to fuck with you.

I'd have sent a text back saying "really? She manages not to talk to you for weeks on end, fuck off "

eightandthreequarters · 26/12/2013 00:02

There's nothing wrong with deciding not to call - you saw her yesterday, you will see her tomorrow. You already did Christmas.

You are very wrong to give even one second's thought to what your arse of an ex-P had to say to you. Make ignoring his crap you New Year's resolution. :)

ravenAK · 26/12/2013 00:04

I agree vvith you - for all the reasons you've given.

Presumably, if she'd actually vvanted to speak to you this evening, to say goodnight or vvhatever, & asked to do so - as opposed to him directing her to ring you, vvhich is vvhat you said 'no need' to - he'd have allovved/encouraged her to phone you, & you'd have been happy to talk to her?

So she's fine, you're right, & your ex is trying to pick a fight because he's a dick. IMO.

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 00:12

No unfortunately if she asks to speak to me he says no, she may only call when he deems it necessary She's back tomorrow for at least a month so I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to catch up on the presents he told her Santa was bringing her yet proceeded to tell me in front of her how expensive they were! Oh well, perhaps he can return most of them once his family have seen them and the photos have been taken like last year. Dick.

OP posts:

MerryBuddha · 26/12/2013 00:18

Sounds like a right charmer, can see why he is your ex.

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DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 26/12/2013 00:35

He sounds utterly delightful. Taking presents off a small child? Not letting her talk to her mum? Not bothering to contact her for weeks? Oh you must be soooo heartbroken you're not with him anymore. Ugh.

I couldn't imagine not talking to Ds on Christmas day... However, that's not the point. The point is your ex is using a personal decision of yours to attack you. Nice.

When my Ds goes to stay with my parents, once every few months, I don't get to talk to him everyday, although I'd like to, as my mother is crazy and I suspect likes to fantasize that she's Ds s mum. Lots of huffing and cbeebies goes on etc. However for the present the benefits outweigh the weirdo negatives, and I'm secure enough to know my little one will tell me the important things when I see him face to face. So I get you about how this situation could have arisen with phone calls anyway.

When they're old enough to have mobiles, texts will help alot to keep in touch and a support for then.

springysofa · 26/12/2013 01:00

YADNBU. She's 5, she won't fully get it that it's actually christmas day when you've already had your 'christmas day'. If he was so concerned about it, he could have called you. Calling her when she's at his disrupts her anyway. He anyway fucks up the calls re loud telly etc. You did the right thing not calling imo.

She's safe with you, knows you don't and won't pull any stunts - unlike him.

Don't listen to him (at all, about anything), he sounds like a total dick. Why do you want her go to his btw? If he shows hardly any interest, how come he got Christmas day?

FreudiansSlipper · 26/12/2013 01:11

ignore him trying to be the better parent he is being a twat

personally I would have called not because it's Christmas as you have already had your Christmas but because I always do. Ds stays at his dads now most weekends I always speak to him how is dad behaves (and at times it has not been great) is irrelevant to how I parent. Ds does not say much on the phone but it's show that whatever I am thinking of him. He has in the past been upset when I have not called at times I am sure he does not need me to call but still do

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