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to think my dB's ex is a total bitch????

(187 Posts)
ginmakesitallok Wed 25-Dec-13 23:07:29

dB and his ex been split up for about 2 years, she was abusive. She always been very awkward about letting him see his D's, and although we've advised him to take her to court to get access formally sorted out he hasn't. So, today, Christmas day and the bitch wouldn't let him see his son. Happy for him to play Santa, but not willing to let him see his son at all. Am so oooo stopping myself phoning her and telling her what I think of her. It's killing him. How can anyone be so cruel????

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 26-Dec-13 00:09:48


We only ever get one side of the story.

lunar1 Thu 26-Dec-13 00:13:09

Why would he leave his child there and not go to court if she is abusive?

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 00:14:48

yes well tbh honest my ex describes me as a bitch who has always prevented him from seeing his children, and I daresay his sister swallows his story whole, (even tho in her heart she knows he is a lazy so and so)
while what me and the children remember is quite different - being stood up at train stations, phone switched off, him in the pub, being let down at the last minute etc etc.
so I would say that the ex wife in this scenario would have quite a different story.

On here we do but I'm all too aware that xp's family have spoken about me like this and I'm not a 'bitch'. And fwiw, it didn't go down well in Court which the OP's DB should be aware of.

jinglemel Thu 26-Dec-13 00:17:42

As another ex who is painted as a crazy bitch while their dcs father has voluntarily little input in their life I would say I see her side. If he didn't pre-arrange contact but thought it'd be fine to drop in, interrupt their plans and then disappear off again I'd say that's pretty unfair on their son

BohemianGirl Thu 26-Dec-13 00:17:47

He sounds a biut wet and weak - he needs to go to court and get access formalised.

He also needs to tell the women in his life you to mind your own business and let him deal with his own life shit.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 26-Dec-13 00:22:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

it's also a shame that people are so willing to instantly believe it. If she was truly dangerous then he's just as bad for not doing something about it?

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 26-Dec-13 00:27:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 00:27:50

and it is a shame to hear a woman described twice in one short paragraph as 'the bitch' - hardly makes one think OP is rational and objective, does it?

timidviper Thu 26-Dec-13 00:28:06

There are two sides to every story, sometimes the woman is more in the right, but sometimes the man can be right and I think we have to be careful not to assume that they are all knobheads just because some are.

My DB has gone through a difficult divorce but he and his ex are very civilised about their DCs. We (his family) have tried to support him to sort things out through the proper channels and with the best interests of the children paramount. That is probably the best route for you as well

LadyJx Thu 26-Dec-13 23:31:52

Sorry but if he is not willing to go to a court for fear of upsetting his ex then he really can't complain when she call's the shots.

I'm not saying it's fair but if I was in this position I would fight tooth and nail to see my child not just allow someone else to play god. He has options and you should both know that.

Sorry but it comes across as a bit like playing the victim here and then never doing anything about it.

Also, with your reference about phoning her. It is between your boyfriend and the mother of his child, by all means be there to support and talk through issues with your boyfriend but it is not your place to get involved.

nocheeseinhouse Thu 26-Dec-13 23:45:03

I'm an abusive crazed bitch, according to a certain someone. I won't let him see his son.

Sadly, the truth is I cannot force him to be a good father, and he prefers his own sympathy-inducing story to actually sorting anything out.

There WILL be 2 sides to this- support your DB, yes, but otherwise don't get involved. If he cared, he'd do anything (including court) to see his child.

DizzyZebra Thu 26-Dec-13 23:50:01

He should act as though it doesnt bother him. My DD lives with her dad (I agreed to it, he is an arsehole since) and i genuinely dont mind about chritmas. Seeing him when he realised he could not use christmas to blackmail me with was brilliant.

He should forget about her. Buy a load of gifts his DS will love and have a present day. I can promise DS will love it (Coming downstairs to a bunch of presents on christmas is good, But coming downstairs randomly to a bunch of presents you didnt know you were getting is amazing) and she will be fucked off her childishness didnt work.

In the meantime he should apply to court, Its highly highly unlikely he would not get contact, he has nothing to lose by going.

Mellowandfruitful Thu 26-Dec-13 23:56:08

Agree he should pursue it in court. He needs to be able to show his DS, even if things go pear shaped for a while, that he didn't give up trying to get proper contact with him.

fifi669 Fri 27-Dec-13 00:07:23

DP has something similar. He's been holding off court as he knows she'll stop the minimal contact he has at the moment and that terrifies him. I'm expecting our child, pretty sure she'll stop it when she finds out too! DP thinks when he does get proper contact she'll move away so she doesn't have to comply, she's already threatened to. sad

He plans on taking the bull by the horns in the new year. She's not a nice person. She called my baby a c* for starters!

MeMySonAndI Fri 27-Dec-13 00:19:59

I really wish I could hear the 'bitch's" side about this.

I know there are some nasty women who block contact out of spite, others who block it to protect their children and many others who do not block contact but whose exs find it easier to say the ex wouldn't let them see the children than to explain to everyone they can't be arsed about contact...

DizzyZebra Fri 27-Dec-13 00:21:55

FiFi - If there is a risk of her moving away to hinder contact (which as she has threatened to he has reasonable cause to believe there is) bring it up in court before she has chance to. I'm sure they have ways and means of addressing that in the form of an order.

ginmakesitallok Fri 27-Dec-13 08:52:01

Oh, and its my brothers wex, not my boyfriends. Thanks for the advice, think I need to advise him about court again.

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 09:00:26

Did he have an agreement with his ex to see his child on Christmas day?

I'm another bitch ex, in fact I have been called it for wanting to SWAP christmas day and boxing day this year. And yes, you heard, with a week and a half notice I DARED to ask if I could SWAP DAYS and have my children on Christmas Day. I was called a control freak. A Nutter. And my exSIL has had some very choice words to say about me trying to "wreck" her Christmas at short notice, and stop her being able to see her family due to the arrangements they had in place for Christmas.

Yeah. My side of the story is somewhat different.

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 09:02:45

I'm a Bitch Ex!

<channels Spartacus>

bochead Fri 27-Dec-13 09:03:19

If she was genuinely abusive then he's no kind of parent if he's left his kids there unsupervised for 2 years. Think about what you are saying please.

Nowadays blokes have equal parental responsibility. However noone is gonna parent for em, they have to do it themselves.

This means that if a Mum is abusive or unfit they have all the legal precedents they need to take sole care of the children. Culturally we haven't got our heads round this concept yet, same as although the CSA exists the number of non-resident parents who don't accept the moral duty to financially support their own flesh and blood is shocking.

IF your brother was that concerned he'd have gone to court already to ensure shared care, or a contact order. he'd also have in his draw at home a prohibted steps order to ensure she can't just up and leave with his flesh and blood for pastures new. He hasn't done this, so I can only conclude he's lazy, don't enable him.

As the ex-SIL in you could be acting in the children's best interests by being a neutral 3rd party to help sort it all out. Have YOU invited the ex SIL & her kids to yours for an afternoon over the Xmas break so the kids can spend some time with their paternal family or is it easier to just bitch? If you want to take sides, then take the kids!

youmakemydreams Fri 27-Dec-13 09:04:07

See my ex makes out even when he's speaking to me that I try and withhold contact. He has tried to goad me into saying stuff while he let his now wife listen, which backfired spectacularly on him as she heard some home truths about him.
The fact is I beg him to make a long term commitment to contact. One night every 6 weeks if they ate lucky is not good enough. Bit he has painted me as some mental crazy woman that expects the moon on a stick from him. Where as all I've asked for is home to be a dad.
It's too easy to only see one side.
There is his story, hers and the truth down the middle somewhere.

ginmakesitallok Fri 27-Dec-13 09:08:37

She was emotionally abusive towards him, not to the kids. She's not an unfit parent. DB knows that taking ds from her would kill her, he doesn't want to do that.

I live hundreds of miles from them, so can't invite her over.

Yes it was arranged he'd see ds in the morning before he went to work, she then decided that unless he spent all day he couldn't come in and wouldn't let him in the house.

She still thinks they'll get back together.

Cityofgold Fri 27-Dec-13 09:09:17

I think the OP has got an extremely hard ride on this thread. The exW agreed contact only on the condition that he spent the whole day, but refused contact if couldn't spend the whole day. This can be nothing but unreasonable. She clearly has not issue with contact, but wants it on her terms. How selfish. As to all the posters saying it is the DB fault for not having gone to court, WTF? The best resolution is a court process and he is at fault for not using it? Idiots.
The exW is being unreasonable and it looks like he will HAVE to use the courts, good on him however for using that as a last, not a first resort. Far too much anti-man nonsense being spouted.
Just because various individuals have bad experiences of some men, does not mean they should extrapolate that to include all men.

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