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to turn down dps proposal?

(68 Posts)
jinglemel Wed 25-Dec-13 15:36:11

Dp sort of proposed last night. He said by this time next year he wants us to be living together, engaged and to have set a date for our wedding. These are things I've wanted for years but now I'm not so sure.

Backstory: We've been together for 4.5 years. He dragged his feet with sorting out divorce, debts and child contact but I've stood by him - even helping to support him financially so he could sort out his debts, caring for his children etc. I work part time and am studying full time for a degree which I've almost completed and am predicted a first. I then planned to do my PGCE as I've always wanted to teach. I have a 5 year old and we have a one year old together. We were living together when I fell pregnant but his debts meant it was only for a few months and the children and I got our own place while he moved in with his mum.

I have done everything for our one year old alone as well as working and studying. The children and I are happy and settled. They love dp when he visits too. He has a job which involves long hours/odd shifts and so cannot be relied upon to help with the children and childcare. Therefore he has suggested that I become a SAHM when I move in as my teachers salary wouldn't be much after paying for childcare as his salary is too high for tax credits. He thinks I can do my PGCE in 5/6 years when our child is settled at school but by then I'll be 38 which I think is late to start. Plus I've studied hard recently and don't want to waste it.

Another point that makes me reticent is that he said he wouldn't tell his ex we were living together and engaged, nor inform her of the wedding - he'd let their children tell her after the event. He has a history of pandering to her and I don't want to feel like a dirty secret.

I spoke to him about my reservations about moving in and my career and suggested we live separately for another 4/5 year's so I can get established enough to then have the option to work part time. He said he wants to move in asap even though we could easily save enough for a house deposit and wedding in that time. Moving in asap means me being a SAHM without us having any spare money and me having no career.

AIBU to say no now what I want(ed) is on offer? He's incredulous that I'm not jumping at the offer.

RedLondonBus Wed 25-Dec-13 15:40:25

Sorry I don't get why his debts mean he has to live with his mum??

motherinferior Wed 25-Dec-13 15:42:56

Not unreasonable at all!

RedLondonBus Wed 25-Dec-13 15:42:58

In fact, I've read it again and I don't get any of it!

SomePeopleNeedHelp Wed 25-Dec-13 15:43:15

Don't be a SAHM or anything else, if you don't want to. Sounds like he thinks you should be grateful he is offering, even though you have managed pretty well (practically) on your own.

Letting the children tell his ex is realy unfair on them and her, that kind of thing is for the adults to inform each other of.

landrover Wed 25-Dec-13 15:43:33

Bloody hell, stay well away !!!! You have done so amazingly well, yet he wants you to stop it all and become his secret wife!!!!! Does he really love you? xxxx

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 25-Dec-13 15:43:33

No. Just that. You do what is right for you.

Finola1step Wed 25-Dec-13 15:47:14

Doesn't sound like he has actually proposed. Yes, he's told you what he wants in a years time. He's told you that he wants you to be a SAHM. You know what he wants, but what about what you want?

As a teacher myself, I would strongly advise working for a year or two in a school before applying for the PGCE. Look for TA or LSA roles. No one can make you be a SAHM. Such decisions should be decided together based on what's right for the family as a whole.

So he doesn't live with you and his own child, just visits? Will not tell his wife if you live together. Will leave it to his children to tell her when you get married. The man is a coward. Are they actually fully divorced?

So in 4 and a half years, you have had a child together. Does he support the child financially or just visit? He sounds like he can talk the talk, but I would want to see if he could walk the walk as well before making any big commitments. You are right to be wary.

MyBachisworsethanmybite Wed 25-Dec-13 15:47:16

"Therefore he has suggested that I become a SAHM when I move in as my teachers salary wouldn't be much after paying for childcare as his salary is too high for tax credits. "

This is bizarre and madness.

Don't just do what he wants. Find a way for you both to be fulfilled. Or just tell him to eff off.

jinglemel Wed 25-Dec-13 15:48:25

I see his point about his ex potentially stopping the children from attending the wedding if she knew the date but do think she needs to know it's imminent and that it shouldn't be something we're all made to feel ashamed of. RedLondon - because he couldn't contribute anything to our household. He is guilt tripping me saying he doesn't want to live apart from our dc any longer but with the hours he works he won't see her any extra anyway

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 15:49:48

Oh no, no no no. This man is not for you. He sees you doing well, huge potential and wants you to be a SAHM?! Nothing wrong with that if your choice (I am one) but you are right not to give up on your hard one future potential.

Scared of his ex is he? Using his kids to do his dirty work. Nah, I'd be saying no to everything quite frankly.

jinglemel Wed 25-Dec-13 15:51:27

Finola - I couldn't do a TA or LSA role if living with him as it'd barely cover childcare costs. He is a coward - agreed there. He pays £80 p/m towards his dc with me

EBearhug Wed 25-Dec-13 15:52:00

Does he understand that you're turning him down because you don't want to be a SAHM or a secret wife, that you want a career doing something you've always wanted to do?

I think you're right to turn him down, but I think if he's currently incredulous, he either just doesn't understand your PoV at all - or doesn't care about it. If it's the latter, then you don't want anything to do with him ever. If it's the former, then maybe if you talk about it and he learns to consider your needs more, then there will be a future. But stick with your own plans - if he really loves you, he'll want to support your dreams, and just now, it doesn't look like he really thinks so much of them, you're secondary to what he wants.

AmberLeaf Wed 25-Dec-13 15:52:00

He wants it all doesn't he?

Don't give up your career ambitions for this man.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 15:52:44

So he lives apart from the woman he says he loves and the child he should love because it means he gets more money?

AnuvvaMuvva Wed 25-Dec-13 15:52:58

He hasn't proposed. He's set a place card proposal for a year's time. Pretty lame. A man who wanted to marry you would've done so in the last 4.5 years - or at the very least wouldn't want to wait another one.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 15:54:03

£80? shock.

RedLondonBus Wed 25-Dec-13 15:55:13

Do you claim any benefits?

jinglemel Wed 25-Dec-13 15:55:23

I have nothing against being a SAHM. Its not that I wouldn't want to but being financially independent is important to me and I hate his apparent school of thought that he's doing me a favour by working and 'letting' me stay home when if we lived separately I could support myself and the dc as well as be fulfilled

LessMissAbs Wed 25-Dec-13 15:58:08

YANBU. It sounds like you are afraid he will hold you back.

The not telling his ex thing is just not good enough either.

You seem to be doing fine as you are.

jinglemel Wed 25-Dec-13 15:58:28

I told him he's an idiot for thinking he can keep an engagement and wedding from his ex. He actually thought I'd keep it from my dc so they didn't tell his dc!

Finola1step Wed 25-Dec-13 15:59:41

If you can't work as a TA or LSA, it really does help if you can get some voluntary work in a school relevant to the PGCE course you would like to do. It helps with the PGCE application and if all goes well, a school based referee will be a big bonus.

I have a strong feeling that you will be focusing on this over the next couple of years rather than building your life around your partner. £20 a week to support a child when the man is working? He's living in cloud cuckoo land OP but that does not mean that you have to join him.

TheBigJessie Wed 25-Dec-13 16:02:36


Look, he seems to think that you're an eighteenth century woman with no dreams of her own beyond having a wedding ring?!

And because he's scared of telling his ex-wife he's getting re-married, he plans to make his children do it? Did he make them chase their own monsters from under the bed, as well? Or did he hide behind them as toddlers from big dogs, too?

If he finds it awkward, how awkward are the children going to find it? He wants to get married, he deals with the consequences. He shouldn't tell his children to deal with the messy bits. Or is he trying to put a strain on his ex's relationship with his children, as a substitute for being a decent parent himself?

NatashaBee Wed 25-Dec-13 16:02:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jinglemel Wed 25-Dec-13 16:03:47

Thanks Finola. I would like to do that but again - it wouldn't be possible if living with him as there'd be no extra money to pay for childcare for my youngest.

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