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AIBU to kick other half out over step daughter, very complicated.

(76 Posts)
lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 19:55:52

Sorry for what is a very complicated story , I will say names but they have been changed just to make it a little more easy to follow.

when me and my partner met he had 2 children, chloe and adam, chloe was not his birth daughter however she does not know this as he had always bought her up. adam has aspergers.
there mum is a utter nightmare and tbh the relationships between her and my other half I will never understand and they have both been utter morons.
now chloe is 14 and adam 10, we have adam 10 for weeks at a time although the mum will ring and say im sending him for a week from brighton to London and then 3 weeks later may contact to say she is ready for him back. other half struggles with adam ( this has caused problems between us before ) as I feel neither of the parents are dealing with him in a appropriate way.
right chloe is ok a very demanding teenager but has very little stability she hasn't stayed once at our house, other half pays money for her buys her clothes etc and goes to see her, I like chloe.
now a few weeks ago it all hit the roof as chloe has been moving from friends to friends houses not wanting to be at mums etc ,, adam was sent here for 2 weeks which my partner was angry about and didn't seem to want him for 2 weeks.
I then pick up the house phone to chloe who was in bits saying she had no where to go now she hasn't always been a sweet child to me but she is a 14 yr old girl who is obviously confused. he then goes and picks her up and drops adam and chloe at their nans !!!!!! and ttrying to sort their mum to come collect them which was just causing massive arguments. normally I don't get involved as in the past it got me in trouble. but 2 nights ago I had enough and went to get the 2 of them from their nans bought them to mine and said they were spending xmas with us. other half continued to keep ringing their mum to get her to have them which tbh I wouldn't want them to go now she obviously doesn't care and so he said they can spend xmas as his mums so I flipped out and basically told him to go spend xmas at his bloody mothers but the children are staying here and going to have a good xmas with me , my eldest son and our 2 children !

AIBU, I love my children and I just don't understand it all I really don't !

bluecheeseforbreakfast Wed 18-Dec-13 19:59:02

Those poor kids! They are very lucky to have you in their life, their parents sound beyond useless.

Yanbu. Your dp is being an idiot.

HoFuckingHoFuckingHoneydragon Wed 18-Dec-13 20:00:15

Normally, I'd suggest supporting your partner as he is their father. But


fuck him he can go to his mothers. Those kids deserve a break and a nice Xmas and the opportunity to explain what's going on.

antimatter Wed 18-Dec-13 20:01:29

really sad situation for all children involved
how can 10 year old be moved between 2 homes, what about his school?
14 year old sleeping at friends sofas - very stressful for her

I would do the same in your situation. I think you can work it out and your partner must see that if kids don't have stable family situation anything can happen to them.

What does his mother say about all of it. Can she sit him down and discuss it?

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:01:47

bluecheese I am beyond angry , I have tried to stay out of it but this week my blood boiled !!!! I couldn't take anymore its xmas for god sake.

she may not be his but he made the decision when she was a baby to be her dad and I made the decision to stand by him when I got together and now he wants us to turn are backs , no bloody way !

Breadkneadslove Wed 18-Dec-13 20:02:31

What blue said!

PoisonedApple Wed 18-Dec-13 20:02:33

You sound lovely and sensible, poor kids. It's always hard having blended family stuff but the basic rule should always be the kids come first and you seem to be the only one who is doing this. Good luck and I hope you all have a lovely Christmas together.

whattoWHO Wed 18-Dec-13 20:03:20

Wow, those poor kids! I hope you and all of the children have a fab Christmas.
Maybe you could find a calm and quiet moment to ask them if they'd like to fix a regular visit yo yours? A stable, consistent arrangement would probably do them the world of good.

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:04:08

antimatter his poor mum gets lumbered all the time with adam who is really difficult to handle at times, they send him down no money or anything.

he can be very very much hard work , but its his parents that stress him out, when we have had him its normally me after work who has him during the day as oh works and I finish work at 10 am and he is as good as gold, my oh comes in and bang it all hits the fan.

breatheslowly Wed 18-Dec-13 20:06:50

YANBU - both of them need a calm, consistent adult in their lives and if you are the only one mature enough to see it and do it then he needs to get the message from you as clearly as you are giving it.

SummerRain Wed 18-Dec-13 20:08:26

Those poor kids. Well done for taking a stand.

How is she now, she must be an utter mess with everything she's been through poor girl.

I hope you and the kids have a lovely peaceful xmas whatever the arsehole decides to do.

There's a chat and support thread in SN chat for parents of kids with SN, if you fancy a chat or need any advice with helping Adam please come over to us... The thread is titled the goose and carrot and you'd be very welcome flowers

BohemianGirl Wed 18-Dec-13 20:09:23

Social services?

I dont believe the schools havent involved all manner of agencies over a situation like this

Iamsparklyknickers Wed 18-Dec-13 20:10:07

I've been that 14 year old girl and I think your bloody marvellous wine

Different circumstances, but I would have benefited greatly from an adult who could see past the hormones and acting out and treated me like the child I knew in my heart of hearts I was and let me be myself and looked after for a bit when there was no one else.

Don't think her and her brother will ever forget that you've stuck up for them - even if everything descends into chaos in the future you've given them a fantastic memory.

Well done you x

(your DP is an arse - he's a father first and foremost, his point scoring shouldn't involve using his kids as weapons. Dick)

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:13:07

summer chloe is a very strong girl ( strong mided any way smile ) ... I am just flabbergasted. deep down my other half loves those kids but the thing he is so used to throwing money at them etc and that being it he is now struggling to cope with them ( money is a whole diff thread ) the mum gets csa of us but then never actually has the kids.

adam obviously needs routine which isn't happening , he can often be very very rude , without realising and violent at times.
he gets anxious. his 10 and he weighs more than me , he ats what he wants when he wants. last time he was down my other half bought him in a large dominos pizza 2 cans of coke, 3 packs of crisps and a tub of ben and jerrys for dinner which he ate flat out ( this is just to keep him happy ) .

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:15:36

bohemiangirl I have wodered that many times... when it all first started I was like these children need someone else but not them. im not sure how true this is as it is what I have been told not actually seen.

when the mum first moved to brighton 18 months ago , chloe stayed here in London in a flat that belonged to her brother. and people just checked in on her.

I don't know how social services haven't been involved.

WireCatGlitteryBaubles Wed 18-Dec-13 20:19:59

Those poor children need stability. If the girl has issues, then it's no wonder.
Goodness knows how the boy copes, especially with his aspergers.

You sound lovely.

If additional help is needed, then you need to instigate that.

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:21:53

I just feel like I will make it all worse tbh ! ... and apart of it I know is he believes having them full term will mean we wont last.

I am not going to lie it will be a massive strain but jeez I wouldn't turf my own kids out so defo wont his.

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:23:36

the 1 problem I have now ... is there a cupboard full of presents for dc, what on earth do you get a 14 yr old girl !!

I have 3 dc

17 yr old ds ( feel old )
a 5yr old ds
and a 2 yr old dd

Helspopje Wed 18-Dec-13 20:25:05

difficult situation

do be careful if these are their real names/real places that you and they live as v identifiable. If you want to, MN can change your posting to anonymise.

TalkativeJim Wed 18-Dec-13 20:25:11

You sound great OP.

Let him go, the idiot.

I've got a feeling you and the children are goin to have a good Christmas!

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:26:41

chloe and adam are not there real names. just thought it would be easier to give them names to follow if that makes sense. and London and brighton are the same distance away as where we both live but not the same places.

Pigsmummy Wed 18-Dec-13 20:27:28

Have a great christmas and in the new year try to make plans that work for everyone. Involve the school. You sound fantastic xx

antimatter Wed 18-Dec-13 20:29:07

many men find it difficult to come to terms with their kids disabilities
I think your dp needs to see each child as they are - not like an average kid on the street he thinks they should be.

His son needs stability and acceptance and then the rest will follow. Obviously good manners etc are a must - but often you need to talk differently to each of them to get the same results.

You are a great mum (the word step doesn't matter here) - what counts is that all your kids know they can count on you. That will help them to grow into happy adults. So big thanks and cake and thanks from me on to you their behalf.

Wingdingdong Wed 18-Dec-13 20:29:51

I've just been to TopShop, Dorothy Perkins etc and bought a bracelet and socks for a 16yo girl - they've all got sales on so you could spend as much as you want to making up a box of goodies, stuff starting at around £2. TopShop/H&M for clothes if you can spend a bit more? Again, sale on...

lolalooloo Wed 18-Dec-13 20:32:11

ohh wing I love sales lol !! suppose it shouldn't be to hard I was a 14 yr old girl once I think although it was a long time ago.

thank you anti suppose I just needed reassurance I was doing the right thing by getting involved, I think it will be nice having them here with there other siblings too. chloe is actually great with them.

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