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To be really angry with the school and be considering not sending my DCs in for the last 2 days?

(259 Posts)
littlewhitehamster Wed 18-Dec-13 17:15:38

I have 2 DC, DS who is 8 and in year 3 and DD who is 5 and in year 1.

A new boy started the school about 2 weeks after half term and is in my DDs class. 3 weeks ago my DD said that this boy was 'not being nice to her' when I asked what was going on she said that for the last couple of days he had been saying to her she was his girlfriend and she must play with him and not play with any other boys, apparently DD said she told him she didn't want to be his girlfriend and she just played with her friends as normal resulting in this boy pulling on her hair.

I sent a not in the next day via the office for the class teacher (not very easy to grab a word in the morning) expressing my concern and asked if she could possibly keep an eye out for anything and have a word with the boy in question if needed. At the end of the day when I sent the note in the teacher spoke to me and said that she had not seen anything but assured me she would keep an eye out, she also told my DD to speak to her if anything happened.

Everything was quiet until about 10-12 days ago when again DD told me she was starting to have the same sort of problems with this boy, she had told the class teacher and he had stopped bothering her in class but started bothering her at break and lunch times, insisting she was his girlfriend, lifting her skirt up, kissing her on the cheek. I saw the teacher and the head they assured that staff on playground duty would be made aware and that the boy would be spoken to.

A few days pass with no problem and then yesterday the boy tried to kiss my DD again, she ran away from him and told the playground staff, he left her alone until the whistle was blown, while running to line up DD said he caught her and held her in a hug so she couldn't get away so her could kiss her. I didn't find out until this last night so went and saw the head this morning, was assured that closer observation would be made and the boys mum would be spoken to (not that she strikes me as the kind who would give a shit).

Tonight my DD came out of class and looked upset I asked if she was OK and she started to cry and saying something about this boy at lunch but I couldn't understand through the crying. I said we would find her brother and speak to the teacher/head. My DS came out of his class looking equally upset and when I asked what was wrong her cried too saying he has to stay in at lunch tomorrow.

It turns out that at lunch today this boy was again holding on to my DD and kissing her, when she got away she told the playground staff and was told to try and stay away from him, she tried to stay out of his way but he started to chase her and she again told the playground staff who asked her to point him out and they said go and play we will speak to him (not sure if they did of didn't speak to him). He then chased and caught her with his arms around her and kissed her on the check and then still holding her tried to kiss her lips, at this point my DS saw, ran over and pushed the boy- he fell and grazed his hand. DS took DD to play with him for the few remaining minutes of lunch.

The boy must have informed the playground staff as he now has to miss 15 mins of lunch tomorrow, sit in the class room and write a sorry letter to the boy in question. I told his teacher he would most certainly not be writing a sorry letter to this boy and went to the head, who was busy but will see me in the morning.

I am so angry at the schools failure to deal with this situation and punishing my DS for stopping that the staff should have stopped. I don't want to send my DC in for the last 2 days of term, especially if my DS is going to have to write a sorry letter and this other boy gets away with no punishment for distressing my DD over several weeks.

I have spoken with the head about this before and nothing appears to have been done.. who can I go to to make it stop??

angry angry angry

LaurieFairyCake Wed 18-Dec-13 17:20:25

It's separate issues - your son shouldn't have pushed him over and caused him harm. Punishment seems fair.

And the playground staff need to keep the boy away from your daughter .

You would be unreasonable to keep them off IMO

EvaBeaversProtege Wed 18-Dec-13 17:21:37

I'd keep them off but still go in & speak to the teacher.

DaddyPigsMistress Wed 18-Dec-13 17:23:39

While i get why you are so frustrated a 8yr old cant push around a 5 year old do i can see why the school have taken action.

That being said they need yo deal eith thevother boy properly, you dd shouldnt have to put up with it and i eoukd take tgat up with the head

DaddyPigsMistress Wed 18-Dec-13 17:25:43

Oh my gosh, clearly forgot to spell check ...sorry blush

hackmum Wed 18-Dec-13 17:28:42

They are not separate issues. The OP's DS defended his sister who was being attacked, and if I were the OP, I'd be proud of him. It's completely outrageous that he should be punished, while the boy who has assaulted the OP's DD several times has not been punished. I would be furious.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 18-Dec-13 17:28:44

So, your DD is being sexually harassed, her brother helps defend her and he gets punished?! Horrendous.

The school are completely failing in their duty of care to your daughter, and clearly can't be bothered to do much more than pay lip service to your complaint - why is the onus on your daughter to avoid the boy who keeps attacking her?! Surely he should be kept away from her and suitably punished for invading her personal space...

I would be tempted to keep them both off but that isn't the answer. What you need is for the school to do something more substantial. You have to wonder what the boy doing the attacking has seen at home though given that he thinks this kind of behaviour is ok.

littlewhitehamster Wed 18-Dec-13 17:29:48

It is the sorry letter writing I do not agree with, I do agree with him being kept in and have told him that the right thing to do would have been to find the adult on duty and point the where the incident was happening so it could have been stopped.

I agree it is not write for an 8yo to push a 5yo and he needs to receive a punishment but i is also not acceptable for a 5yo to physically hold another 5yo so they cannot escape.

Cabrinha Wed 18-Dec-13 17:31:21

I would have a grown up chat with your son. He did a lovely thing, and I'd be proud of what he did. But I would also talk to him about other ways he could have handled it and why they are better. How using force to stop force is a mixed message. I would explain why he had the punishment, a and encourage him to accept it. However, I'd be telling the school that his letter of apology would say "I'm sorry that I pushed you, I understand now that it wasn't the way to show you that your behaviour was wrong, instead I should have reported you".

Don't keep them off, don't teach them that they have to change, keep away. Perhaps with this big blow up and the tension of the last few days if Xmas term, you could arrange that your daughter stay with a lunchtime supervisor all break? Or with her brother? I know this is also modifying her behaviour, but it might be useful, before you can get properly into this in the new year.

shazbean Wed 18-Dec-13 17:32:00

They should go to school. Your son should take the punishment for pushing.
I would go ballistic at the school. Your son is in trouble because as an 8 year old he is effectively having to do the teachers job to protect his sister. Completely unacceptable but keeping them off will solve nothing.

asmallandnoisymonkey Wed 18-Dec-13 17:32:49

I'm sure writing a letter would be the responsible and mature thing to do, however these are children and the school's failure to safeguard your child resulted in her brother having to do the adults job (albeit in a manner relative to his age).

I'm afraid I wouldn't be happy with my son apologising for protecting his sister in the only way he saw fit at the time, given that this little boy seems to have some inappropriate tendencies which are not being dealt with in a satisfactory manner with regards to your daughter.

There should be a child protection officer at your local council that you can contact if you feel the need to after speaking to the head.
They deal with all sorts of things and not just the kind of abuse you hear in the newspapers. If they can't help you directly they will liaise with the school.

Sorry to hear your children are in this situation though, it's not nice to be harassed like that at all.

littlewhitehamster Wed 18-Dec-13 17:32:53

I must also add that after I explained that he should have found some one to tell I did thank him and say I was proud of him for stopping the boy do that to his sister.

Coconutty Wed 18-Dec-13 17:33:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody Wed 18-Dec-13 17:33:55

No I can quite see why your ds did this and your dd would have been totally justified in pushing him herself.

Do we expect children to put up with unwanted kisses and touching?

At our school repeated sexualised behaviour like this would warrant child prootection policies to be implemented and the boys parents would be brought in and told of the seriousness of this matter.

He would loose his play times and when out and about be made to stay well away from your dd.

Go into school and demand proper action. This is disgraceful handling and you should involve the class teacher, ht and governing body.

I would be worried that a school showed so little regard for both your dds comfort and safety and the sexualised behaviour of the other child.

I would be livid and kicking up a huge stink.

thebody Wed 18-Dec-13 17:34:53

Oh yes and fuck the apology letter. Your ds did good.

wimblehorse Wed 18-Dec-13 17:37:11

I'd be telling the school that his letter of apology would say "I'm sorry that I pushed you, I understand now that it wasn't the way to show you that your behaviour was wrong, instead I should have reported you".
I wouldn't keep them off, unless you are truly concerned about your dd's wellbeing.

I would praise your son for watching out for his sister & encourage him that if he sees something similar happening again he is to fetch staff immediately. I would encourage your dd that if the boy grabs her again she is to shout as loudly as she can that he goes away and for help. I wouldn't be discouraging her from giving the boy a big shove either....

Pimpf Wed 18-Dec-13 17:37:43

Total over reaction of the school to your son, why is it up to her to stay away from this boy? Its like saying its her fault if he does something because she didnt stay away from him, absolutley disgusting.

I would not allow your son to write an apology to this child, he was protecting his sister, if the school staff had done their job properly, he wouldn't have needed to do that.

I don't know what I would do next but just wanted to add my support and to let you know you are right to keep on at this

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney Wed 18-Dec-13 17:38:40

I would suggest that you ring the school in the morning and insist on a meeting with the head teacher as soon as you arrive.

Don't take no for an answer and if they say the head cannot see you tomorrow, tell them that you will not be bringing the children in until you have spoken to the head as they are failing to safeguard both of them.

Tonight, make a note of each time and date an incident took place and who you spoke to about it and what was said and what actions the school promised you.

Tell the head that the school has failed to safeguard your daughter despite the many times you have spoken to them regarding this boy and in their failure they are also responsible for your son finally taking matters into his own hands.

And that because it was the school who failed in their responsibility to your DD, your DS will not be writing a letter of apology to the boy who has been bullying his sister for weeks.

Tell the head that you do not expect your son to be kept in late as punishment.

And explain what you want to happen next with regards to your DD and this boy (not sitting with her in class, kept away from her at break times, punished immediately and appropriately if he does manage to get to her, you informed immediately if something does occur, etc.)

Once you have an agreement in place, follow it up in writing, setting down in bullet points the times and dates etc as above and the outcome of your meeting. Copy that to the head, the school governors and the local authority if appropriate, perhaps Ofsted?

And do not let this matter go or allow them to brush it under the carpet.

wimblehorse Wed 18-Dec-13 17:39:10

Oh and yes would be going ballistic with the school that they haven't stepped in sooner.

Someone needs to teach the child about wanted & unwanted physical contact & it shouldn't be down to your 8 year old son (or your 5 year old dd)

RedHelenB Wed 18-Dec-13 17:39:36

They are 5 years old!!

Statusupdate Wed 18-Dec-13 17:39:44

It's a safe-guarding issue. Your DD has a right to feel safe at school and at the moment she doesn't. You need to escalate this by putting it in writing, then the school have to take it seriously. Remind them of their duty of care, keep your DD off school and say she won't be returning until they can reassure you that steps have been taken to ensure your DD does not feel threatened. I would also say that your DS should apologise for pushing the child over, but also point out that he was protecting his sister when the lunchtime staff had failed to do so. I would also suggest that the behaviour the child is exhibiting is inappropriate for a 5YO and that is also a safe-guarding matter.

HyvaPaiva Wed 18-Dec-13 17:40:42

Keep them off, don't let your DS write the letter, and give the school hell. I'm so angry for all three of you.

Pimpf Wed 18-Dec-13 17:41:17

To the poster who said that the girl should be with a supervisor during breaks, why should she? He should be with the supervisor, he should be managed, not her.

The more I think about this, the angrier I get. The school are not protecting your daughter and they are not helping this child either

SayMyNameSayIt Wed 18-Dec-13 17:43:19

I agree with you OP. Hell would freeze over before I would let me DS write a letter of apology! For what??? Defending his sister??

And in case anyone says oh that's going a bit far, sexual harassment! I remember a boy at primary like this, he was arrested years later, about 18 or so, for being a rapist. He was 8 at the time and was always pulling girls' skirts up.

I remember reading it in the paper, his own girlfriend reported him! I'm not making any of this up, it's totally true. I can't verify it without naming him.

I'd keep them off if you are able to, only 2 days left. And tell the HT in no uncertain terms that HE must be kept away for your DD, not the other way around. Remind them that your daughter has a RIGHT to be kept safe at school. And if the school won't do it, well then, don't be surprised if her older brother will!
I'm furious on your behalf.
I speak as a primary teacher.

Ruffcat Wed 18-Dec-13 17:43:59

My ds wouldn't be writing a letter, but I would be. Your ds did a good thing! And should be told. Whilst he shouldn't have pushed the child I'm not sure he had many other options open to him.

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