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Horrible dilemma with bitchy friend.

(38 Posts)
oneplusoneplustwo Wed 18-Dec-13 16:49:52

I know there's a current thread about cutting horrible people out of your life but I just wondered whether I'm doing the right thing in this case?

I have 2 very close friends, friend A I have known for 8 years and friend B I have known for 6 years. They have also known each other (through me) for the past 2 years, and now see each other daily as their DCs have started at the same school (mine attend a different school). Friend A came round the other day and told me that friend B was being extremely unpleasant about me. She has been criticising lots of things I am doing in my life, how I'm bringing my children up, what I'm buying my children for Christmas, how she doesn't approve of the new job I'm due to start in the new year etc. Not just a gossipy kind of opinion-sharing, but actually getting worked up over it, saying what a bad person I am, to the point that she said she wants nothing more to do with me apart from 'essentials' (I'm guessing that means if we bump into each other when out).

I was shocked and upset but figured she's entitled to her opinion and I would just stay away from her and not bother to text/phone her again.

The strange part is that her behaviour towards me hasn't changed in the slightest! She is still texting me asking how the kids are, what I'm up to etc. She is still inviting me on social occasions and is still telling me things about her and her family, just like normal. I have been declining invitations and not replying to texts, but now friend B has been complaining to people that I'm being funny with her when she's done nothing wrong. I desperately want to confront her but I don't want to drop friend A in it, cos she's got to see friend B at school every day for the next few years.

I know for a fact that what she has said is true, as I have seen screen shots off friend A's phone showing the nasty texts about me. Friend A has tried to get friend B to be nice and talk to me about any issues she might have with me but she doesn't want to. I think she just enjoys the nasty bitching rants, and is extremely jealous as she's got a few family/money problems atm.

Should I just leave it and accept that I'm going to look like I've just randomly cut off my friend or drop my other friend in it by confronting her?


lucidlady Wed 18-Dec-13 16:51:56

Are you absolutely sure A is not making this up?

Pagwatch Wed 18-Dec-13 16:54:29

You can't cut out B when you have no idea if any of this is true, surely?

Speak to B

oneplusoneplustwo Wed 18-Dec-13 16:55:36

I'm positive. I've seen the text conversations. Also, the things A told me could only have come from B (events/conversations that happened when only B and I were together).

monicalewinski Wed 18-Dec-13 16:57:39

You need to speak to B.

Doesn't need to be dramatic and you don't need to 'drop anyone in it', just ask her outright.

Imnotaslimjim Wed 18-Dec-13 16:57:52

I wold confront her. Surely A doens't want to keep her as a friend after this, so "dropping her in it" isn't an issue? B is being incredibly two-faced, keeping up normal contact with you, and complaining that you're being off!

Pancakeflipper Wed 18-Dec-13 16:59:17

You need to speak to B.
You might want to tell A that you are going to speak to B.
But you will end up avoiding each other with a lot of things unsaid simmering under the surface unless you say to B we need to talk. It might not end well but you might get some answers and at least you will know you tried to sort it.

MrsArthurWellesley Wed 18-Dec-13 16:59:53

Then ask B. "Are we ok because A says x y z". If its true she's being two faced and you can do without her; if A's busy stirring you know what to do as well.

LemonDough Wed 18-Dec-13 17:00:55

I'm always a bit suspicious of the motivations behind a friend telling you that another friend was bitching about you behind your back. Why would someone do that? Do you think friend A wanted to upset you?

oneplusoneplustwo Wed 18-Dec-13 17:00:56

Their children are friends, they help each other out with childcare etc. I think she wants to remain on good terms with B, but is obviously going to be wary about trusting her after seeing how two-faced she can be.

Cabrinha Wed 18-Dec-13 17:01:08

Hmmmm. It's takes 2 to have a text conversation though. Is all Friend A saying is "mmmmm, I know" <Sybil>?

I bitched about someone in a circle of friends once, and Friend A in my case said "I don't like that, bitching behind backs, and don't want to hear it". I'm still friends with Friend A, friend B was a cow to us both in the end. But I have SO much respect for Friend A for saying she wouldn't listen to it.

Think you need to lose them both, tbh. Friend A should have told Friend B to shut up long ago.

MollyWhuppie Wed 18-Dec-13 17:02:16

I would wonder what friend A was trying to achieve by telling you?

gobbynorthernbird Wed 18-Dec-13 17:03:01

I could mock up a text conversation in 2 mins. Change the 'contact' name in my phone from Work to B and text myself.
It's possible that B is a bitch, but she isn't acting like one toward you. And in the meantime A is stirring.

oneplusoneplustwo Wed 18-Dec-13 17:06:01

I don't think friend A wanted to upset me. She has no reason to want to cause trouble. She is a nice person and doesn't get involved with gossip and drama. She just didn't want to see me carrying on doing nice things for B, telling her private things, inviting her into my home etc when I wasn't fully aware of what she was doing behind my back.

I think you're right and I do need to say something, otherwise all our other mutual friends will think I'm being incredibly mean by giving her the cold shoulder for no reason. It's going to be really tricky to do without making it obvious that A has told me everything. Like I said, she hasn't changed her behaviour with me in the slightest, so I can't even make something up like "you've been really funny with me lately...."

RubyRR Wed 18-Dec-13 17:06:36

There are also apps and websites to make fake phone conversations

oneplusoneplustwo Wed 18-Dec-13 17:10:01

She isn't being passive Cabrinha. She is replying saying B should speak to me and try and sort out her issues. I don't think she is actively telling her to STFU though like your friend A did. Maybe she should stand up for me more? We've been best friends for years whereas she's only really got close to B since September.

oneplusoneplustwo Wed 18-Dec-13 17:14:03

I suppose she could have faked the conversations. She would have had to put a lot of effort into it though. B's texts are written exactly in B's usual way with spelling mistakes, full stops instead of spaces, phrases only she uses etc.

I honestly think it's genuine.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 18-Dec-13 17:14:41

It's never a good idea to take someone word for it that someone else is bitching about you.

Why is A telling you this?

Why is she showing you messages?

Her behaviour is really weird here.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Wed 18-Dec-13 17:14:57

It's really easy to mock up a text conversation. Really, really easy. And it would be perfectly possible for B to have told A about events/conversations but for A to have made up exactly what B told A about them. Obviously, it's also perfectly possible that B genuinely did send the texts and that A is telling the complete truth about everything, but you do NOT "know for a fact" that what A has said is true.

Also, if B had been bitching to A about you, wouldn't A have said "Look, I don't want to hear any of this about oneplusone"? Why would B still be sending A texts about you if she weren't getting any encouragement?

You need to talk to B.

Hissy Wed 18-Dec-13 17:15:05

Ahh.. You see what you got there OP?

You got yourself a Wendy, in time for christmas too.

Tackle her head on.

She is aiming for your friend by the looks of it.

why not let slip that you deleted the messages B sent to you about her, after telling her not to be such a cow, which is why she has clearly started on you <whistles>

YouTheCat Wed 18-Dec-13 17:18:02

Are they 12? hmm

Drop both of them. Friend B is clearly a cow for the spiteful texts you have seen. And friend A is a cow for showing them to you and telling all when she could have kept her mouth shut and you could have carried on in blissful ignorance.

StealthPolarBear Wed 18-Dec-13 17:18:20

Ehat on earth is your job, that she disapproves?

StealthPolarBear Wed 18-Dec-13 17:19:43

If a friend was continually bitchjng about me I'd want to know. Not every time someone says anything slightly less than complimentary but certaknly if its an ongoing thing. Can you imagine if the op eventaully found out and a had known all along? Mners would be baying for her blood.

Nataleejah Wed 18-Dec-13 17:38:09

Is it possible to be friends with both, but not to bring them together? I have some friends who are such nice people, but only one by one. If they get together, there's a catfight, and there is no way to get them act civilized, unless separate.

oneplusoneplustwo Wed 18-Dec-13 17:42:08

Nataleejah - They're not fighting and I'm not bringing them together. They see each other twice a day at school.

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