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To not accept this money?

(61 Posts)
Mignonette Wed 18-Dec-13 11:24:32

My Father died and we found out he had changed his will after telling us that we would share his property abroad with stepm keeping the British homes, money and investments (no problem at all with that). He secretly bought under a Tontine meaning we got nothing.

Our stepm has alienated us from our entire paternal family and the uncles/aunts seem to project their feelings about our Mother onto us.

We have had to live with the fact that not only was our Father not a good Father in life with little love for us, hew continues to reject us in death. Mostly we have got on with things and have cut ties with our stepm who has lavished goods, gifts and money on other family members and friends. She threw away my Fathers photographs, possessions etc days after he died not asking any of us if we wanted them. She then found a new man three and a half months after he died.

To get to the point, she has ignored my children's birthdays and mine but today a cheque 'to share among yourselves as you see fit for Christmas' arrived.

Now I have cut all ties with her so it would be hypocritical to accept this money for myself and nor do I want it.

BUT - should i cash it and split between my children?
Cash it and donate to charity/
Send it back and tell her to re issue it in the form of cheques to my children?

If i cash it i am telling her that I don't want you but your money will do which feels not right. if I cash it and share it, all she will know is that i took her money and it'll be spread around my paternal family that I did this?

AIBU to tear the cheque up and try to suppress the awful feelings of pain and hurt that the arrival of this communique has triggered in me? I have done well to pretty much push to the back of my mind, the damage my Father has caused me all my life and feel much happier having no contact with her (she is manipulative and spiteful). My children dislike her having seen the pain caused and feel she very much used us during the funeral to depict a happy family with her at the heart and then discarded us all. They say i should do what i feel comfortable with.

This has made me so unhappy again. The cheque and card are sitting like a coiled snake on my kitchen table.

BumpNGrind Wed 18-Dec-13 11:34:17

Do you need the money?
Would you be able to do something positive with the money?

Taking the money doesn't mean that you forgive your stepm or that you now have contact. She's made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you either tbh.

Take the money, spend it on something nice and everything you use that item, think about how you've overcome your troubles.

Mignonette Wed 18-Dec-13 11:38:55

I don't need it but my children are recently fledged and so could do with it.

It seems part of her manipulation to force my hand because she could have sent both children cheques. However she doesn't like my daughter (for no reason at all) so would do anything to avoid handing over money directly to her.

I worry that it opens a dialogue with us in her eyes and gives ammo for the 'takes my money but won't speak to me' argument.

NoAddedSuga Wed 18-Dec-13 11:39:22

How much do you need the money?

Will the money make a big difference to you?

NoAddedSuga Wed 18-Dec-13 11:40:16

Can i ask how much it was for?

IComeFromALandDownUnder Wed 18-Dec-13 11:41:04

But there won't be an argument if you never speak. Take the money for your children and never speak to her again. You don't owe her anything regardless if you cash the cheque.

5Foot5 Wed 18-Dec-13 11:43:21

I think you should return it with a polite note explaining why you don't think it would be appropriate to accept it.

MrsUptight Wed 18-Dec-13 11:44:19

Use it to put in a savings account for DC.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 18-Dec-13 11:45:18

I think you should return it.

Your dignity is more important that whatever you could buy with this money.

MrsLouisTheroux Wed 18-Dec-13 11:45:22

Depends how much she has given you.
£50 and I would send it back. £5000 and I would give it to my DC and let her know what you have done.

Mignonette Wed 18-Dec-13 11:45:54

It was just over £100 so not a lot. But not a little either.

I worry about looking hypocritical. This has upset me so much and I feel such a fool for getting upset. Its hard knowing your Father didn't love you.

NoAddedSuga Wed 18-Dec-13 11:48:22

No i wouldnt accept it.

comemulledwinewithmoi Wed 18-Dec-13 11:49:11

Similar here, nc parents would send cash in post, i always gave it to charity. I would cash and do this.

thankfeckitschrismas Wed 18-Dec-13 11:50:24

That's an insulting amount. I wouldn't compromise my feelings for such an amount.

However if it were a genuine attempt to make amends then that would be different.

cozietoesie Wed 18-Dec-13 11:50:32

If you cash it, it'll likely be 'They took my money - that's all they want' and if you send it back it'll likely be 'I tried to help them out but they threw it in my face'.

It's a difficult one for you given that there's so much baggage attached to it. Personally, I'd give it to charity and let her have the charity receipt. (With no attached note from you.) That way, something good will come of it.

FannyFifer Wed 18-Dec-13 11:52:57

I would not accept it. Personally I would rip cheque up and post it back, but I'm a grumpy shit.

Annianni Wed 18-Dec-13 11:53:23

I'd put the cheque and card in the bin, then deny all knowledge and eat icecream

Hope you're ok flowers

FannyFifer Wed 18-Dec-13 11:53:58

Actually yes the receipt for a donation to charity with it is the better idea, do that.

Mignonette Wed 18-Dec-13 11:54:13

It does feel insulting especially as last year she ignored my daughters birthday and my nephews but sent my other child something which they decided to split between the three of them. They did not appreciate being treated like this.

Yes, letting her know that a charity has benefited might be a good thing. Maybe a food bank or charity for unhappy children? That would be divine justice.

Mignonette Wed 18-Dec-13 11:55:28

Thanks Anni

This has set me back somewhat. I want to have a howling tantrum but I'll scare the neighbours smile. It is amazing how many tears are still in you when you think they are done.

Annianni Wed 18-Dec-13 12:01:01

I binned a card from my mum yesterday and feel loads better.

Sod the neighbours, do what you want.


I'll get booted out for hugging on aibu!

abear Wed 18-Dec-13 12:04:20

I think bank it, split money between the children and send polite (curt) thank you explaining you passed it on as didn't need or want it for yourself.

Mignonette Wed 18-Dec-13 12:05:59

Have hidden it under the bag of potatoes (don't ask- it just feels the best place and suitably grubby) and will continue reading these posts whilst trying to calm down.

Feels like she has invaded my little bubble.

wishingforwillpower Wed 18-Dec-13 12:13:35

Do you have siblings? Did they get cheques? I would destroy the cheque and do nothing - don't contact her to let her know. It sounds like taking the money will make you feel bad and giving it to charity could just seem petty and like a deliberate attempt to engage with her and piss her off, and will give her ammunition against you.

cozietoesie Wed 18-Dec-13 12:16:14

Well it's pretty much of an insult given the circumstances - and from what you said in your OP, I'm guessing that she had really substantial resources from your father. I'm guessing (wildly) that she got a bit tipsy, wrote it under the influence, but still couldn't bring herself to make it larger - even for show.

It's not a life-changing amount (where you might have a real conflict) so I'd turn it round on her - there are loads of small charities who would love even a small sum of cash to pay eg heating bills this winter.

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