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To want her ex out of our lives

(33 Posts)
ShesYourDaughter Wed 18-Dec-13 09:41:15

My thread about my teenage dss turned into a bit if a rant about this soi thought I'd separate the two issues. Although they always seem to come together.

Short story, her ex is an arse as a parent and a manipulative controller as a human being. She has to have some form of contact with him over the children so we will never be completely free of him.

She left him, so I accept its possible he still has feelings for her, although after 6 years and relationships of his own I think that's probably not the case.

But we can't get him to stay out of our lives. He wanted 50/50 child and that's we have had. And we've rearranged that several times to suit his working arrangements. But he's forever arranging things for the kids to do in our time or asking us to help him out with stuff he's arranged in his time.

More often than not that's so he can do something by himself, but he usually lies about that. I've loads of examples I won't repeat here. Typically we suggest he puts the kids first and this is responded to with abusive texts and phone calls to my partner. Then apologies, then a subsequent request, often implying the kids don't understand why she doesn't want them or that grandma will have to look after them and she's not well. Etc

He also decides to share his opinion on our arrangements and how we're dealing with the kids. It's a difficult time with a stressful teenager in the house and he wades in whenever she tells him how horrible we have been to her. Bit rich as he is the biggest Disney Dad.

My ex wrote me a letter telling me exactly how little she wanted to see of me and how our parenting arrangements would work. It's worked fine ever since, and we communicate politely and about the children only.

I have asked on many occasions if we can get her ex to work the same way. That would mean unless there's a problem with the children we wouldn't hear from him at all. And certainly not in the week we have them.

But he seems to believe that because they're sharing parenting that means she should still provide all the support services to him that she did as a wife. Friend, adviser, relationship counsellor and most of all baby sitter!

I came home yesterday to find flowers on the doorstep, apologies for his behaviour, x's. This goes back to another teen issue at the weekend which we dealt with at the time and not one he was inheriting. I know I shouldn't have looked but I checked her phone and there were more texts on it apologising again. Seems he's after some baby sitting again this weekend. But on top of that there was one telling her now much he loved her and respected her. More x's.

Now I know it's not entirely true, you only need to know how he treated her to know that and this is part of the controlling thing he has. And I know she takes no notice of it, although her maternal instinct to take the kids instead of them being dumped somewhere will kick in again now he's apologised.

We have had conversations over the years about keeping him out of our lives. Making clear what is acceptable and not acceptable, how the only thing they have in common is the kids and if there's something to discuss then a discussion will be arranged. She says she's told him all that but you know he is etc and to some extent she has in the last told him his behaviour is not acceptable, that usually brings the wrath of the gods down on her though, more greats, usually a pile of crap about me and my influence on her, he doesn't recognise her any more, what are we doing to the kids blaa blaa

And yes I do know how he is, and I don't like it. I don't like him.

I want to push this point now, I don't want to go into another new year hoping it will be different. I want it finished once and for good.

Is it unfair to ask?

Hissy Wed 18-Dec-13 17:17:21

By the sounds of it, OPs DP is being WAY more than flexible, if Ex is having to apologise, creep,crawl and fling fecking flowers.

She has the right to say No. sounds like he has bullied her into thinking she can't.

Cabrinha Wed 18-Dec-13 17:22:13

You checked her phone?
HOW is that helpful?
He could be a controlling srsehole and this is a continuation of that - and she needs to feel strong enough to tell him to stop.
Or it could be a situation that's a lot more amicable than yours with your ex, and you need to get over it.
I don't know.
If you don't like this, that's understandable... but you looking at her phone is suggesting you don't trust her.

WooWooOwl Wed 18-Dec-13 17:23:12

Yes, she does have the right to say no, bit she also has the right to say yes if she wants to without her new partner telling her she's wrong for that.

The OP is checking his DPs phone, referring to his DP 'babysitting' her own children just because she might be looking after them on time that is usually the ex's, and he's saying that they have had conversations over the years about what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to the ex being a part of his DPs life. He's the father of her children, of course he should be a part of her life!

Really, I do think it's OP that is coming across as the controlling one here.

Fairy1303 Wed 18-Dec-13 17:24:41

OP I'm a step parent too.
We get all sorts of this shit and DH doesn't want to call her on it. Even when she blatently takes the piss, let's her child down (again)

It's driven me nuts, tbh, thinking about how much I hate her for abandoning her child, for being so difficult, and how much I've lost respect for DH for not having a sharp word with her.

At the end of the day, the buck stops with your DW.
If she doesn't want to do anything or change anything, it's her call.
You have to take a step back.

I know it's hard but you have to or you will go mad.

Hop on over to the step parenting board. You'll find lots of support.

ShesYourDaughter Wed 18-Dec-13 18:00:01


I appreciate your comments, and I take them on board. I have worried that I might be the cause of her getting stressed over this which is why I'm going to go to a counsellor to discuss the whole situation.

But I think your description of him as 'difficult' is not a fair reflection.

She has also broken down in tears over stuff I've known nothing about where she simply has tried to stand up for herself and been bombarded with vitriolic texts. One even said 'its no wonder your mother is so disappointed in you'! I mean, who has the right to throw that sort of crap at someone. Even when you know it's not true, it's just deliberately designed to hurt.

I don't see taking his shit as being flexible.

Trust me when I say it's not the flexibility thing that's the issue, it's the fact that its always last minute. He has already arranged to do something else BEFORE he asks, he always knows well in advance hes booked something but leaves it to the last minute to ask because he assumes we'll be free, he has never attempted to find a regular sitter, and the abuse which follows if she genuinely can't say yes.

ShesYourDaughter Wed 18-Dec-13 18:04:00


Yeah the phone checking thing sounds shabby doesn't it? But it wasn't quite as bad as I summarised, she has this message preview function which pretty much shows up all of a reasonable length text.

I was in the kitchen, the phone was on the work top, it lit up and buzzed and I did notice it was her ex, and I did take a closer look at the preview before it went on standby again.

But I never mentioned it to her.

ShesYourDaughter Wed 18-Dec-13 18:16:12


How I hate spell checkers......

ShesYourDaughter Wed 18-Dec-13 18:20:36

Thanks to everyone.

I feel more empowered to stand back and support her in doing this.

If she asks me for my opinion or advice, I'll offer it. If not I'll be there if it goes wrong and gets too much for her.

Don't think I'll be comfortable doing that but I have to try. We can only be better together by doing this.

Cheers :-)

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