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To ask who is being unreasonable in my family?

(91 Posts)
MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 17:27:08

Long story older brother is in hospital. He's a troublesome man...but still my Mum is visiting him in a distant city on a daily basis on two trains and a bus (she's 67 and works part time and is knackering herself with this.

I can't go to see him as I work and also am looking after his dog.

We had plans to spend Christmas at Mum;, my DH and DC and my sister and her DC...and my brother. Howver it now looks like brother is going to be in hospital still as his op wont happen till Christmas.

My Mum is intent on going to see my brother on Christmas day and has told me this morning that she will ask my sister's husband to drive her there as no trains on Christmas day...we have no car and my DH can't drive...nor can I...Mum CAN drive but has never driven to this city and basically won't...she'd panic.

My sister just told me that she will be refusing for her DH to drive my Mum to the hospital because my sis thinks that Mum should not go on Christmas day but should continue with the original plan for us all to go there...and that Mum is obcessing over my brother who is not dangerously ill but has no wife and in mum's words "Hasn't got anyone"

Now I see both sides...Mum won't want my bro alone on Christmas day but my sister is adamant that her DC won't lose their Dad for "hours and hours" on Christmas day so my Mum can visit my bro (who is not a good person in some ways...borrows money and doesn't pay back etc...has been in and out of trouble with the law)

I am sad. I don't care what happens but I don't want anyone unhappy. Mum wont be able to afford a taxi....I could offer to chip in I suppose but it will be tight.

MaxPepsi Tue 17-Dec-13 17:36:05

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable.

Will the hospital release your brother for Xmas? Many do allow patients home if it's not life threatening?

Then perhaps your BIL could take your mum to collect him on Xmas Eve and take him back boxing day?

Would your mum drive with you as a passenger? Could you suggest she drives up at the weekend with you for moral support so she gets used to the journey?

Ruffcat Tue 17-Dec-13 17:36:06

Depends how long we are talking tbh. I have a bil who sounds familiar to yours. I don't think your sis is bu

VegasIsBest Tue 17-Dec-13 17:41:48

How can you all invite yourselves to your mum's if she really wants to go to the hospital?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Tue 17-Dec-13 17:42:12

It is a big ask to take a parent away from their dcs for most of Christmas Day. Your DM is BU for insisting. Id imagone your BIL will feel quite put on the spot about it.

However your DM clearly doesnt want to leave your DB alone on Christmas Day.

Would your BIL take her (and whoever else wants) on boxing Day or Christmas Eve? Do a bit.of gift giving, take some.mince pies etc.

NinjaBunny Tue 17-Dec-13 17:42:32

Your sister is right.


Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 17-Dec-13 17:44:47

I can understand your mum wanting to see her son but I think it's unfair of her to expect you BIL to spend his christmas day ferrying her around.

Is this the same mum who won't put herself out and take the dog off your hands?

WooWooOwl Tue 17-Dec-13 17:46:53

Your sis isn't being at all unreasonable. Your mum is a little, it's a big ask to expect one of her in laws to miss time with his own children on Christmas Day so that she can be with her adult child. I'm not surprised your sis is saying no. How unreasonable your mum is depends n her reaction to finding out she won't be getting a lift.

MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 17:48:07

|No Max that's not happening sad

Mum won't drive even with someone else as passenger and to be honest, I'm not willing to give up a big portion of my day like that.

Loopytiles Tue 17-Dec-13 17:48:51

Your sister is not being unreasonable.

If your DM doesn't want to host christmas, she is not being unreasonable but should say so, to let people make other plans. She is being unreasonable to expect others to get her to the hospital and if unable/unwilling to drive herself or pay for a cab will need to miss the visit.

MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 17:48:57

Vegas we're not....we;d just spend the day at our own homes....I suggested that if Mum wants to go and can get there, then she can come here or to my sis's and we;ll either eat late or save her lunch.

TaraLott Tue 17-Dec-13 17:49:59


MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 17:50:53

AnyFucker that's my thoughts on the matter. I thought a Christmas Eve trip with presents would be enough. Mum obsesses over brother...she worries about him a lot. It's understandably hard...he's her son and he's in hospital....but she has other children too and all she talks about is him....

He had a LOVELY wife who left him after taking a lot of flack from him. I wish she was still here. sad

MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 17:51:44

Tara mum hates skype. She would wouldn;t she. I feel like I'm in the middle. If DH could drive, he;d take her and it wouildn't bother me at all....he'd be here for the important parts of the day....

BellaVita Tue 17-Dec-13 17:54:32

Do you know how boring and lonely it is in hospital without visitors? It will be a long day for your DB.

DH was in hospital for three weeks over Xmas and new year last year. I went to see him twice on Xmas day even though I hosted Xmas too (everything was bought and ordered and had to carry on for our boys).

YABU especially if there are going to be no other visitors.

Have some heart.

CaptainSweatPants Tue 17-Dec-13 17:56:24

This is a tricky one, I'd be inclined not to let your mum host & all go to yours or your sisters

The only thing is I don't get why you can't help your mum visit your brother because you work & his dog? Can't you go after work? She must be knackered

bluecheeseforbreakfast Tue 17-Dec-13 17:59:18

I think that if your sister and her dp don't want to drive your mum to hospital that is fair enough. There isn't really anything you or your mum or your brother can do about it.

I'd think a big family trip there on Christmas eve would be fine, he is after all an adult not a 6 year old all alone at Christmas.

MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 17:59:34

Bella did you even READ the thread??? I don't mind if she goes!

Captain no...I work for myself and it's manic...DH gets home late...the DC need me to pick them up....also, even when other people go to see him...his mates etc...she STILL goes! Won't take a day off.

youmakemydreams Tue 17-Dec-13 17:59:57

Hmm I don't think your sister is being unreasonable nor is your mother for wanting to go.
If your mum really wants to go she needs to drive herself though.

drudgetrudy Tue 17-Dec-13 18:01:22

Your Mum is being unreasonable. Hates Skype, won't drive.She can see your brother Christmas Eve and also talk to him on the phone. I think that if she is adamant that she wants to go she will have to arrange it herself. Also you say that even if she would drive with you as a passenger you wouldn't really want to give up so much of your time. I'm sure bil feels the same and wants to spend the day with his kids

BellaVita Tue 17-Dec-13 18:02:03

Yes I did but I got disturbed by the time I got to finish my post, sorry! I know it is your sister that is bu.

MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 18:02:26

I know dreams but she won't. This makes me feel bad for her and bad for everyone. I'm stressing out and am (I feel) doing quite enough looking after his huge, un-neutered dog...

plantsitter Tue 17-Dec-13 18:02:42

All chip in for a taxi. I don't think anyone is being unreasonable really.

MrsUptight Tue 17-Dec-13 18:03:55

There's nothing I can do is there? I want to DO something to fix it for all concerned but I can't. I can't get my Mum there...and I can't get my brother here. That's it. I'm not going to let this spoil Christmas.

squeaver Tue 17-Dec-13 18:04:39

Is there any way that you or your sister could speak to your brother and get him to tell your mum not to come on Christmas Day? If he insists, then maybe she'll listen.

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