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Am I being unreasonable? Christmas, ex, and my mum

(212 Posts)
oldbaghere Tue 17-Dec-13 11:42:08

Issue from my other thread but I am raging and may have lost perspective.

My mum is terminal. Pancreatic cancer diagnosed yesterday.

Asked my ex if he would swap and let me have the kids on chrostmas day.

He consulted with his family and says no.

Aibu to think that's totally unfair and he is a cunt?

His SIL had to be consulted. She does year about. She said no and refused to swap, apparently.

asmallandnoisymonkey Tue 17-Dec-13 21:17:29

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I think you've proven who is the adult in all of this, and it's definitely not him.

I think you're right to not discuss it with your dc too - if they're old enough to pass messages then they're old enough to make an informed decision and it seems like they've made one they might regret.

I love ballstoit's idea of a lovely day with your mum and kids stuff the next day.

I do hope you manage to have a lovely festive season though x

Hissy Tue 17-Dec-13 21:23:28

What about your DC, don't they have a say in where they want to be?

Have you told them that their GM isn't well?

When is the hand over to shithead ExH?

I agree, call his mother and ask if it'd be ok for her dying wishes to be completely trampled if she were in your dm shoes? Cos there's no way you'd do that to her.

I say tell your X that all bets are off this year and sil and he can go and FTFO.

oldbaghere Tue 17-Dec-13 21:28:41

I am not going to sink to his level. I am not going to give his family the power to upset me any more - it's done, he has to live with his decision and I hope it makes him happy the sad wee prick

Hissy Tue 17-Dec-13 21:38:26

Bloody good for you love! There's the fighting talk you need! smile

He's a complete wankbadger, although that's an insult to badgers.

worridmum Tue 17-Dec-13 21:45:06

well he does sound like a cunt but in all fairness did you offer him the next 2 chirstmas days in a row ?

If you did he is even more cuntish (is that even a word)

but if you didnt he would still be a cunt but a slight more understandable cunt.

My brother ex wife was equally a cunt when our mother was dying she refused to even consider it sadly she passed away 3 weeks after xmas and her kids havent forgiven her so much so the told oldest now live with my brother full time

oldbaghere Tue 17-Dec-13 21:53:25

no i didn't offer but i don't think it would have made a difference

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 05:12:39

Ha! karmas struck already.

Normally we swap the kids on christmas day at 8pm. that's been the time we stuck at a few years ago when they were younger to get them a late night but still give whoever had them a chance of a christmas day of a decent length.

I have a text he sent a few weeks ago confirming he will be returning them to me at 6pm. its obviously a mistake and I haven't done it yet but wibu to send him a text confirming that I will be expecting the children with me at 6pm as per his text of yadda yadda date?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 18-Dec-13 05:19:07

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum sad

Rage at fuckwit, the hurt and anger needs to be directed somewhere and that useless fuck seems like a good place to send it. What an utter bastard.

What do the kids want to do? I'd go with that myself.

I wouldn't text him, no, I'd simply make it clear when he picks them up that you will be seeing them at 6 as arranged. No point in arguing about it for a week.

Much love - cancer is a bastard sad

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 05:26:23

Kids are older and he's sold them the what's a day it doesn't matter line.

They're teens and twenties so I can't physically put the in the car.

But the it's a day can work both ways. If it's only a day then what does it matter to him?

She has stage4b metasised so the prognosis is bleak.

But I have a text from 6 November confirming he will return them to me at 6pm and I intend to remind him of that. I am normally flexible but not on this any more. 6pm And not 5 minutes later.

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 05:29:13

He usually gets one of the 20's to drop the teens off on Christmas and Boxing Day. So he is less disturbed. But the text says he will be dropping off so I shall send a text later that says

To confirm. As per your text of 6 November x and y will be returned to me by you at 6pm on Christmas Day. Please note a copy if this text has been provided to my solicitor and should the arrangements in this text be deviated from then I shall not hesitate to take legal action.

Don't think a court would do anything but it'll give him pause for thought

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 18-Dec-13 05:39:21

Yes - if it's only a day, then it shouldn't be any problem for him to have them another day instead... I'd sell them the retort of 'It might be my Nana/Gran's last Christmas and I want to spend it with her you fuckwit'

Mind you - if they are teens and twenties I would have hoped they'd have told him to shove it themselves!

We have had quite a bit of cancer in our family - so I do understand (well, as best someone else can) sad It is a complete and utter bastard. How long was she 'clear' for?

Have a cup of tea & think about whether it's really worth sending the text or not. I wouldn't bother, I'd just let it lie until the day then comment on expecting them as 6 as he said. If you text him it will just turn into a row and he'll be more of a prick and you'll get more upset... save your sanity.

Does your Mum live far from you?

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 05:44:19

mum and dad are 20 mins away.

He is an arse. Kids are so used to placating him one did tell me he thought it wasn't fair but at the end of the day I am not going to lean on them. Neither, however, am I going to say anything other than your father is wrong in this and I am never going to forgive him.

I am normally so flexible and wouldn't have worried if they weren't here til 8or9 on Christmas Day.

Not any more.

TalkativeJim Wed 18-Dec-13 09:27:17

Oh yes.

I don't think that the word 'flexible' now exists in the vocabulary you use with him.

And one day he will suffer for it.

It's good that your children are older. They may not be mature and string enough to tell him to stuff it now, but they can see what he has done... One day, this little flock of chicks will come home to roost. Maybe on one of his grandchildren's first Christmases, who knows?

TalkativeJim Wed 18-Dec-13 09:27:50

Oh and I am very sorry to hear about your Mum OP thanks

Nanny0gg Wed 18-Dec-13 19:38:30

If they are older, can't you explain to them what it would mean to you and your mum?

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 19:48:27

he got one of the kids to ring my mum and ask her if it would be a big deal if they came on boxing day.

of course mum said no and cried when she put the phone down. i was there.

20 something kid then phoned me to discuss, not knowing i had been there, and i just said "I am not going to talk about this wiht you because you and me would fall out bigstyle but you have been manipulated by an expert and tell your father he's a spineless wonder for getting you to do his dirty work for him"

and i put the phone down.

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 19:50:36

because of course she's just glasd to see them as much as she can because she only has a few weeks left. 3 months. 12 weeks. so of course she won't say no it doesn't suit because she's so desperate to be with them

he has made himself all by hiself look like an utter cunt and every single person who i have told has said he's an utter cunt but ...

i could refuse to allow the kids to go but it would be a total rage sessino and the kids would be upset and i care enough not to want them caught in the middle

birdsnotbees Wed 18-Dec-13 20:13:19

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, OP.

You are being amazingly fair to your kids by not dragging them in, BUT if I was them I would want to be told - calmly and without too much emotion - that actually it's not just another day. That actually their dying grandmother wanted more than anything to spend one last Christmas with them. That she said she was OK with it just because she was being kind.

If it was me I really would prefer to be told the truth, and then left to make my own decision.

The last thing I would want is for people to pretend it was OK when really it wasn't, and then either to find out or to realise that wasn't the case when it was too late to do anything about it.

They are grown-up kids but they may still be too young to realise the gravity of what your cunt of an ex is suggesting.

Please spell it out to them.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 18-Dec-13 20:17:47

FFS Ghoul are you for real?

The OP's mum is dying and you think people are entitled to stick to plans. Where was the plan for the children to lose their Nana?

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 20:25:26

I will never ever ever swap or move times ever ever again for him. Not ever. He's blown that.

He said "your mum didn't mind" and I said I mind I wanted it for us as a family and the kids

and he said

"it's not all about you"

but it is, partly, yes it's about my mum but ti's also about making memories for me and the kids

he's an utter .. I don't even have words. Calling him a cunt is unfair to cunts.

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 20:27:06

I've told the kids I really wanted it and it was important to me.

And they said they want to be there but it's only a day and what does it matter - which is their father's line.

but he can fuck off. not one thought more is he getting in my head.

I did tell him 6pm sharp on christmas day and he looked shoccked and i said well i'm sure you understand as per your text i have made plans and it's far too late to change those plans now at this late stage

fuck off twat

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 20:28:31

do you know he actually said

none of us know if this will be our last christmas.


CoolaSchmoola Wed 18-Dec-13 20:29:43

I totally agree with Birds not bees. Spell it out to the kids that for their GM its not 'any other day' it's the last Christmas Day she'll ever have. There will never be a chance to do this day again, or make up for it.

Nanny0gg Wed 18-Dec-13 20:32:10

I agree with the others.

Spell it out to the children how important it is.

I think they'll regret it if you don't.

oldbaghere Wed 18-Dec-13 20:32:27

I will just take them over at 6pm and we will stay over and I shall be able to get drunk because we will stay and we will have all the whole of boxing day there

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