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To not buy presents for OH's family

(29 Posts)
Tulip26 Mon 16-Dec-13 13:34:26

OH's sister has just messaged him on facebook to tell him exactly what she wants me to buy her. In eighteen months of dating I've only met his family once as they live at the other end of the country.

He knows mine quite well as they live local to us but I would never dream of asking him to buy presents for them as there are too many of us, and who can afford it? I've made jars of jam for him to take as a token gift for his family as it's something that requires time and care rather than money.

I may be over reacting as I've just been in a car accident this morning and haven't told OH yet but it's really put things in perspective.

liquidstate Tue 17-Dec-13 12:43:19

Even before I was married I bought presents for my family, DH bought for his. I did receive some small presents from but then DH did buy presents for their other halves so it all balanced out.

So glad you were not hurt, I was rear ended in march and I still suffer from the whiplash injury.

Tulip26 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:14:01

She's 38. OH is going to buy the gift for her himself. She wants a make up bag of some description. I would have gone to Poundland :D

At £300 to get the car fixed, everyone I am buying for is lucky I finished my shopping. Thanks for the advice MN. Can't help but wonder what she's bought for me now!

Kundry Mon 16-Dec-13 18:39:43

I'd suggest you either make sure your OH has bought something of the list and then say it's from both of you or email back saying 'Oh, I hadn't realized we were doing presents. I hope you haven't got me anything?'

She sounds v grabby seeing as you've only met her once.

Iris445 Mon 16-Dec-13 18:32:35

My DH did this, extravagant gift lists (£100 gifts each.)

Took me one year to nip it in the bud. They get what we buy them. We don't spend that much on each other and I don't need piles of tat.
They hate me obviously.

I just said we did our shopping early, sorry.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 16-Dec-13 18:31:23

He needs to just write your name next to his on the gift tag.

Unless she has asked for bumper pack of baked beans or similar.

Has she asked what you want? What did she want - am desperate to know now!

People do things differently. SIL enjoys doing everything for everybody - I don't, but we get on very well. She emailed me the Christmas requests for everyone in her family so I responded to say I had passed it on to DH to sort out - no ill will or offence taken.

NoComet Mon 16-Dec-13 18:28:12

But there has never been any your family my family stupidity in our relationship!

His lot made me incredibly welcome from the day I turned up already his fiancé (we got engaged six weeks after we met) and my parents welcomed him without question.

We descended on my lot every third weekend, threw washing at DM and ate her roast dinner (we were students, for two years we did my flat, his flat, my parents and his in the holidays)

CaptainSweatPants Mon 16-Dec-13 18:25:54

how old is she?

NoComet Mon 16-Dec-13 18:23:16

I alway buy presents for DSIL, BIL and their 2 DCs and I used to organise something for DMIL and she always got something for me.

They are my family as well as his family (I still miss DMIL and DSIL and the DCs are great. DMIL, me and DH find BIL hard work, but my DDs get with him fine).

Yes I'm a SAHM so presents are my job, but even if I wasn't but, it would end up being my job. DH is just crap at presents!

He's actually far more likely to get something for my Dad than his family (due to shared engineering interests)

shebird Mon 16-Dec-13 18:15:48

We are pretty similar - DH buys his side presents and I buy mine. He does not get on with his sister so I have to force him to get her something (usually vouchers) just for family peace. She goes completely OTT at Christmas but expects the same in return and then gets in a huff when the same level of effort is not made for her. It's really difficult and puts me off the whole Christmas thing altogether.

Tikkamasala Mon 16-Dec-13 18:11:06

The sister sounds sooo cheeky and grabby. If you have not even been invited for Christmas and hardly even met her then there is no reason to assume she would get a present (I wouldn't have even thought to get her one in those circs) let alone to demand exactly what she wants. Some people are gobsmacking in their rudeness. Ignore. The jam sounds more than enough as a nice gesture. Hope you are ok after your accident OP thanks

chipshop Mon 16-Dec-13 18:06:26

Never heard of this! DP buys his family presents and they are from the both of us and vice versa for mine. Our siblings and parents do the same in return.

Nanny0gg Mon 16-Dec-13 17:31:35

Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to the different ways people do things.

I cannot imagine not treating present buying as a family thing. Apart from individual friends everything we buy is from both of us. Any other way seems very complicated.

Each to their own!

Caitlin17 Mon 16-Dec-13 17:27:09

We don't have and never have had a joint income. Friends who are friends of both of us get presents from each of us. There are other people who will get a present from one of us depending on the relationship.

There's no one who gets a single present from us as a couple. Our son gets presents from each of us.

Modestandatinybitsexy Mon 16-Dec-13 16:24:02

Caitlin I wasn't saying she HAS to I was just saying that some families approach gift giving/recieving differently.

It sounds like OH sis was being demanding and I said the jam idea was lovely especially as OP doesn't know his family. My other point was maybe OH sis was providing a gift idea.

I've never been in the situation of not buying presents for others because all my OH's family are close. Then again he helps me to buy my GP's presents even though he's only met them about 3 times in 8 years.

Lj8893 Mon 16-Dec-13 13:57:41

How bizarre!!

Me and my dp buy our families presents together (well, mainly me really because he's pretty rubbish and they would get something crap!) but all presents come out of our joint income. So his sisters get a present from us as a family, not one from each of us! I certainly wouldn't expect my brothers gf to get me a present, and would be very touched if she gave me some homemade jam.

Hope your ok after your accident.

Caitlin17 Mon 16-Dec-13 13:49:19

Modest why on earth should OP even be thinking of buying a present for her boyfriend' sister whom she has met once in 18 months?

Does anyone really do that? I've never bought a present for my sil or bil in 28 years. Never occurred to me, nor vice versa.

whereisshe Mon 16-Dec-13 13:47:36

People get so weird at Christmas. There is no such thing as a present someone is entitled to, so I really don't understand why people demand things with lists etc. I think fuck off is the correct response (well, ignoring her in a dignified fashion is probably more polite).

The jam sounds lovely and thoughtful, and therefore possibly more than his sister deserves. I hope your car accident wasn't too serious & you recover quickly.

Tulip26 Mon 16-Dec-13 13:44:27

I am on my own, I think I am a bit in shock. Had some bad news this morning and I think it's what distracted me. Was only popping out for a pint of milk but went into a wall at the supermarket.

I haven't been invited to spend Christmas with them and I have to work anyway. I have her on my facebook so she could have messaged me herself. A week before Christmas practially, too. I think I'm being generous by sending the homemade jam TBQFH.

Modestandatinybitsexy Mon 16-Dec-13 13:42:23

I don't really know what the car accident has to do with anything, I hope you're OK but I think it's beside the point.

I think some families just do christmas differently. I've always had to write a list and send it to everyone. Quite often I send it to my OH so her can help his family - although he tends to just give it to his mum like it's a list of demands. My family write lists and then accept anything. His family write lists and buy off lists so they all tend to know what they're getting.

A fb message to him could be just an idea in case you're stuck (especially if you don't really know each other). It does sound quite demanding but it's quite late in the season now and if you've already organised their gifts just stick to your original plan.

I think the jam idea is great. I used to just buy my OH's family a big tin of chocolates for the first couple of christmas's. It's the thought that counts and if she can't see that then she doesn't deserve what she's asked for.

Caitlin17 Mon 16-Dec-13 13:41:07

Oh and hope you're feeling better after the accident.

OOAOML Mon 16-Dec-13 13:40:39

His family - his job to buy presents. So he can choose whether he buys her what she's asked for. Hope you're ok - have you been checked over? Could you still be suffering from shock? Hope you're not on your own.

givemeaclue Mon 16-Dec-13 13:40:36

Yanbu. Don't do it.

misskatamari Mon 16-Dec-13 13:40:29

Cheeky cow! By the sounds of it you're not even spending Christmas with them if you are sending him with the jam? What does OH think about it?

Caitlin17 Mon 16-Dec-13 13:39:49

YANBU. There's been loads of threads on this. His family is his family. We've been together 28 years. The only member of his family I buy a present for is his mother and only because she always gets me something, despite being told not to.

He buys for his family, I buy for mine.

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