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to be upset that DP bought himself expensive gift without discussing it?

(136 Posts)
CosyTeaBags Sun 15-Dec-13 21:01:17

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years, lived together for the last 2 years.

Last week it was his 40th birthday. We had a couple of friends over for dinner to celebrate, and when they arrived they presented DP with a 'gift'.

It turned out to be a £2k Rolex watch that DP has bought a a present for himself, which his friend (a fellow watch collector) has been looking after for him until his birthday, and his wife had gift wrapped for DP as a nice gesture.

I knew nothing about this at all, and had to ask several times, in front of our friends, what was happening - I didn't understand whether our friend had bought it for him, gone halves on it, whatever. I knew nothing at all, while our 2 friends knew all about it.

Now, I don't mind at all what DP spends his money on, it's his money, we have no DCs, each financially independent etc. BUT AIBU to think that he ought to have discussed this with me first, and not made me feel like a total idiot in front of our friends when I knew nothing about it?

I have told him that I feel that he doesn't consider us a partnership, that he ought to have told me about this first, and that I am hurt that he didn't consider my opinion on something as important as this.

He said he 'just forgot' that he had bought it... but on further pressing, he said he thought I would talk him out of it... so one of those versions isn't the truth hmm

I should add that he is usually a wonderful partner, we are currently TTC, and hope to get married someday. However, this isn't the first time he has done something like this - last Christmas he just announced that he had ordered a £1k massive TV without discussing it with me...

I am pretty sensitive about stuff like this, as my Ex was a total commitment phobe and never considered my opinion on anything to do with his life, so I just feel a little hurt and insecure.


Mamafratelli Sun 15-Dec-13 21:32:55

Would he be bothered if you spent a big amount on yourself? I think he knew you wouldn't approve so did it in secret. Does he think you are a bit controlling?

MerryMarigold Sun 15-Dec-13 21:33:16

YANBU. It is not his money. In a partnership it is joint money. If he has done this before, and you brought up, then he KNOWS and he still chose to do it. Please do not ttc with him. I would avoid with barge pole. Selfish comes to mind. Does not mix well with kids.

WilsonFrickett Sun 15-Dec-13 21:33:47

My DH bought himself an equally expensive watch from an inheritance. No problem with me, it was 'his' money to do what he liked with. But we discussed it first and at length. I don't think he was U to buy the watch, but the way he went about it was weird and I'd be having a big chat about how you'd like big purchases handled in the future...

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Sun 15-Dec-13 21:33:50

You need to discuss how finances will work and reach an agreement before you get pregnant!
But while you are just two individuals not sharing money or anything i dont think he needs to get your view/ok on his purchases. There was no reason for you to feel daft.
I bought myself a stupidly expensive watch to show people that i can afford a stupidly expensive watch

oh. Thats nice dear.

But as said before for gods sake make sure all arrangements are properly sorted before you get pregnant.
Read through some of the threads from women with little or no access to money struggling to pay for everything for the child they share while the bloke swans around with His Money.

GinOnTwoWheels Sun 15-Dec-13 21:35:16

YANBU. The whole charade of wrapping it up when he had bought it himself was bizarre. Was he hoping that you wouldn't find out what it cost?

Does he currently contribute fairly to household expenses or does he spend most of his money on himself?

You definitely need to agree on finances and whether one of you will SAH or how childcare will be organised and paid for before having children.

I've always found people who spend £££s on watches a bit odd TBH. After all, any old watch tells the time and you could get a really nice one for a couple of hundred tops, so spending the price of a car or great holiday seems so unnecessarily extravagant.

whois Sun 15-Dec-13 21:35:16

I think it's strange and not very nice the way he hid it with a friend and made you feel foolish.

But I don't per se have a problem with him buying himself something expensive without discussing it with you. You have no DCs, aren't married and are financially independent. Same situation as with my DP and I would be pissed off if he thought to say I couldn't have something without discussing it with him first!

TheMuppetsSingChristmas Sun 15-Dec-13 21:36:09

DO NOT ttc with a man who is secretive about his spending and his finances - you are insane if you go ahead under those conditions.

daisychain01 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:36:33

I suppose in the grand scheme of things £2000 isnt a lot for a Rolex, so to his credit, he didnt go for the top of the range smile

NearTheWindmill Sun 15-Dec-13 21:36:52

We do spend sums without discussing them though. DH usually on investments but he has told ds, for example, he can go on a £2500 rugby tour and hasn't discussed it with me. Likewise I bought two sofas (4k) without discussing with him. But we think similarly about spending and have never argued about money. It's the business with the chums that would worry me - that does seem a bit tacky. But, if your DH had spent that £2k on you; would you have the same problem? And would he spend a similar amount on you as on himself?

Ninasaurus Sun 15-Dec-13 21:37:45

Yabu you have separate finances so why are you even upset? confused

If you do decide to share finances discuss this sort of thing then.

MerryFuckingChristmas Sun 15-Dec-13 21:39:17

you are ttc'ing with this secretive man who "might marry you one day" ?

really ?

I predict rocky times ahead for you sad

lostdomain Sun 15-Dec-13 21:39:23

It's a bit bizarre. I'd worry that he might carry on doing stuff like that once you had DC, which could be very frustrating or even put you in a precarious position financially if you drop down to one salary. It suggests he's a bit immature and there's a lack of communication and trust, as well as a lack of similar vision on the key issue of money.

YouStayClassySanDiego Sun 15-Dec-13 21:39:35

He left you out of a major financial decision and his friends colluded with it.

It's something I'd be unhappy about , what if they do it again?

Ninasaurus Sun 15-Dec-13 21:40:20

Oh just saw the ttc part.

Put ttc on hold straight away until you have a conversation re finances, maternity leave/child care plans etc

GhettoPrincess001 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:41:41

What ? I find the whole, 'his friends gave him his own present' thing confusing. Two grand on a Rolex ? Birthday or no birthday where's his priorities ?

He's secretive about money and/or spending. As you've already been advised, do not start a family with this deceitful manchild.

GhettoPrincess001 Sun 15-Dec-13 21:45:48

Hang on, the penny has just dropped. He deliberately hid it from you so you couldn't/wouldn't, 'make a scene' on his birthday. Regarding the present and the cost of it.

I assume these are the friends he might stay with if he walks out in the future after you've had a row. I don't have a, 'group support' marriage. There's no one either of us could stay with if either of us walked out.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 15-Dec-13 21:47:34

I would be very pissed off that he'd made me look like a complete twat infront of our friends (mind you, that depends, my friends would think he had made himself look like a right twat!).

He bought the TV without discussing it as well. Now that impacts on your home, your life, your surroundings - and yet he still didn't discuss it with you. How on earth is that reasonable?

I think you need to have a good think about things (and use some contraception). He LIED to you - he lied to you about it so that you wouldn't 'nag', you couldn't influence his decision and well... because he could. He doesn't care about your feelings or have any respect for you does he? He's not the sort of man I'd be TTC with - sorry.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 15-Dec-13 21:48:26


You have completely separate finances. He can spend his money on whatever he likes.

I presume that as you're TTC you've already had a talk about how your finances will work, how your mat leave will be financed, how childcare is paid for, whether one of you will go part time once a baby arrives, etc?

InTheRedCorner Sun 15-Dec-13 21:49:45

I agree with putting ttc aside whilst you sort this out, will you have separate finances once your child arrives?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Sun 15-Dec-13 21:50:56

So...why did his friends have to bring it and present it to him???

Odd. Most odd.

Corygal Sun 15-Dec-13 22:20:32

What does he spend on you? Buying himself expensive presents is fine if he pays his way and treats you in grand style too.

But if you got a pair of gloves for your birthday, beware.

LittleBearPad Sun 15-Dec-13 22:29:37

Buying the watch isn't too bad if he can afford it without impacting household cash. But the friends being involved, wrapping etc is weird. I wouldn't like the secretiveness. Would much prefer him to have told you as soon as he bought it. As it is it feels odd.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 15-Dec-13 22:43:57

As your finance are separate he can spend his money how he like.

LittlePeaPod Sun 15-Dec-13 22:44:58

I think you are right to be upset that you werent aware he had bought this and found out this way. He should have told you he had bought it. However as you say that you are both financially independent then as long as his pulling his weight financially (bills etc.) then he can do what he likes with the rest of his money/savings. As you can with yours.

DH and I are both financially independent and I would hate to have to explain/discuss with him how I spend my spare cash. I wouldn't expect him to explain himself to me.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable in buying themselves a gift if they can afford it from their own money, but your partner has deliberately obfuscated the circumstances around this, and that, for me is a big red flag.

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