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To complain about this??

(580 Posts)
absentmindeddooooodles Wed 11-Dec-13 16:55:16

My ds is 2.9. He goes to the nursery down the road one day a week. ( cannot afford for him to go any more regularly) just to get socialised and to try and work on seperation anxiety. velcro child syndrome

Went to pick him up today and was met by three of the nursery workers "wanting to have a talk".

This got me really worried as they looked very....strict. like I was being bloody told off.

To cut a long story short....they told me that as my son is still in nappies I would have to think about taking him out of nursery until the problem is sorted!! ( problem him not being potty trained)

They talked for a good ten mins about how its an inconvenience to them having such a big boy needing constant monitoring incase hes done a poo.

I didnt want to get into an argument and never would infront of all the kids, but did put across a couple of points:
. He is in "the baby room" as they call it. Babies from birth to 3 years. There are fewer older toddlers than I imagine they should be all set up forpchanging nappies.
.theybe never said anything to me before about him being in nappies being an issue. I have even had discussions with his keyworker about the favt that I had tried potty training him but he got a v bad bout of chicken pox right in the middle of it so we have gone back to square one.
. I dont personally think he's too old to be in nappies. He's not 3 until april and as long as he isn't rocking up to his first day of school in pampers Its fine.
. He is currently undergoing a diagnnosis for adhd and possibly as. It's bloody hard enough to get through the day without making him do something hes not ready to.

Their response to all the above was that he is more than old enough to be using a toilet and by him not doing this its taking time away from the babies who actually need looking after!!!!!

Out of the three of them who spoke to me....the youngest one ( about 16 on placement) told me it was disgusting to have to clean up a fully grown childs poo!

Im reeling and actually v embarassed as there were quite a few other parents round while this was going on.

Now I know ianbu to not be impressed with the way this was dealt with......but aibu to not have potty trained him by now?

Should he be totally out of nappies by this age? This is my first dc and moat friends dc are younger thn mine. A family member had their dd totally dry through the night by 2.5....but all kids are different.....surely its down to the individual?

Im sorry this has been so epically long...but am at a loss!

absentmindeddooooodles Wed 11-Dec-13 16:57:27

Massive apologies about spelling, punctuation amd general lack of capitals/bullet points. On phone with a smashed screen so cant see v much!

Kyrptonite Wed 11-Dec-13 16:57:40

Private nursery? I don't think legally they can say that. Have a look at the equality act 2010 and also inform them that the EYFS doesn't expect children that young to be toilet trained.

Kyrptonite Wed 11-Dec-13 16:58:51

And fucking complain your arse off about that girl on placement. Did she say that in her managers hearing?

pudseypie Wed 11-Dec-13 16:58:56

Yanbu they are. It's up to you as the parent to decide the right time to potty train not nursery. I have lots of friends who haven't done potty training till their child is 3 and I have no intention of potty training my 2.1yr old until around 3 either! He only goes 1 day a week so it's hardly a hardship for them and many children that age are still in nappies! I would complain.

StealthPolarBear Wed 11-Dec-13 17:00:59

No no! I dont think its at all dtrange for s 3yo to be in nappies. Ds was, dd wasnt. And th things they said sound awful and ignorant

StealthPolarBear Wed 11-Dec-13 17:02:19

Do they not know that poo come with its own warning system and so doesnt need monitoring?
And im so angry about the disgusting comment. Please tell me your ds wasnt there.

absentmindeddooooodles Wed 11-Dec-13 17:02:42

Its not a private nursery. Its part of a normal childrwns centre.

The girl on placement said that infront of the manager and my ds keyworker....they didnt say anything.

tracypenisbeaker Wed 11-Dec-13 17:04:08

What a shame, bunch of nasty bastards telling you how to raise your child. They should be supportive, not condemning you. Especially the 16 year old, who obviously doesn't have a fucking clue. So if a three year old, maybe even a bit older did happen to have an accident, as is sometimes the case, cleaning up said child would be 'disgusting' in her mind? Clearly in the wrong job!

Kyrptonite Wed 11-Dec-13 17:04:47

I'd go to ofsted. But I'm stroppy and hate slack childcare (work in childcare). That's disgraceful.

Jemma1111 Wed 11-Dec-13 17:04:55


All children potty train at different ages and the nursery staff should know this especially as they work with children !

Whatever their policy is on this they shouldn't have 'ganged' up on you with three of them , why couldn't one of them have a word with you if they felt they needed to ? Also , they shouldn't have been discussing your child within earshot of other parents .

If I were you I'd speak to the manager and complain and if you're not happy with her response then take your child out of there and find a nursery with better staff

StealthPolarBear Wed 11-Dec-13 17:04:57

I get the impression he doesnt need to go. Please dont send him again to be 'looked after' by these vile, ignorant people

Deliaskis Wed 11-Dec-13 17:05:23

It's their attitude that's disgusting, not any child's poo.

I would be questioning whether this childcare environment is the right one for your DS, for a number of reasons:

- 2.9 is not 'old' for potty training and it shouldn't be seen as a problem (compare my nursery who when DD was 2.6 I rushed in when she had literally done a poo in her nappy halfway up the path, and I apologised profusely, and they said 'oh don't worry at all, it goes with the territory, it's our job leave it to us')
- Their way of discussing this with you was inappropriate
- I said to nursery I was thinking of potty training, and they supported, in keeping with my plans and DD's needs, it was never about DD fitting in with them
- All children birth to three in one room does not sound like they are meeting individual development needs very well, although this might just be my opinion based on the nursery's I am familiar with which would have 2 if not 3 or 4 separate rooms and environments in this time
- Kryptonite makes a good point about EYFS and equality act

YANBU to complain, but given the way they have started handling this with you, I think I would be looking at other providers.

Sorry you've had this experience.


absentmindeddooooodles Wed 11-Dec-13 17:06:00

I was holding my ds at the time. His understanding is fab so I know he knew what they were saying. I had a good talk with hom about it...explained that tjere is nothing wrong at all with wearing nappies. That it was a silly rhing to say, and that sometimes people say unkind things but its not a nice thing to do. He wanted reassuring tjat he is a big boy. Bless him. Told him tjat whenever he is ready we would start to use the toilet but only when he is ready and not to worry.

tracypenisbeaker Wed 11-Dec-13 17:06:08

Sorry, just to clarify that it's not because the girl is 16 that I think she doesn't have a clue, it is the comment she made about a 'grown child's' poo being disgusting. How is a weaning 6 month year old and a 3 year old's poo any different??

ClangerOnaComeDown Wed 11-Dec-13 17:07:09

Complain, complain and complain! .

No child should be potty trained before they are ready, and you as the parent are the one who decides when that step is taken.

And the girl on placement I would have told her to shut her cake hole and look into a different career. Twat.

Nanny0gg Wed 11-Dec-13 17:07:16

Complain in the strongest terms - in writing. Go above the manager's head (who employs her?)

Your son doesn't have to be toilet trained and can't be refused because he's not.

My DGC (for lots of reasons) wasn't TT until he was 3. That's when my DiL started to train, lots of stickers and rewards and it worked like a charm because he was ready.

You do it when you and your son are ready to try.

Having said all that, is there a better nursery anywhere near? Because this one's dreadful.

Captainbarnacles1101 Wed 11-Dec-13 17:08:32

That's a disgrace! I would be complaining that this discussion was not held in a private space! I'd be complaining that a "child" on placement spoke to me in such a way! Plus I'd be complaining at their obvious inexperience in believing your son is too old to be in nappies! He is not! My 3 sons were all in nappies at 3 but out by 31/2. My friends sons were also in applies up until 3! You are not being unreasonable here! I'm so cross on ur behalf.

MikeLitoris Wed 11-Dec-13 17:09:19

Fgs, my dd is 3 in less than a month and is only just dry in the days.

Changing shitty bums is not anyone's idea of fun but given they are nursery workers it kind of expected they will have to do this on occasion.

Do you pay for him to attend this nursery?

StealthPolarBear Wed 11-Dec-13 17:09:31

Bloody hell they said all this in front of him? I'm so sorry. Awful people. Please don't send him back.

Ifcatshadthumbs Wed 11-Dec-13 17:11:23

Ridiculous, complain loudly and then remove him.

StealthPolarBear Wed 11-Dec-13 17:11:46

Sorry.this has touched a nerve.i didnt realise till I had chiodren how easily you could crush their self esteem, how they need so much understanding and reassurance. I have nightmares abut people doinf this sort of thing to my dcs.
Take him out. Then throw the book at them and get them closed down. They arent fit to be anywhere near children

Heartbrokenmum73 Wed 11-Dec-13 17:13:41

I would definitely take this further - and higher up than the nursery themselves.

Everything is wrong about this situation! My dc - DD potty-trained at two and a half, DS1 was just gone three, DS2 was three and a half. They've all been to various providers, private nursery, pre-schools (two different ones), school nurseries. Never, once, have I come across this attitude.

I am incredibly angry at the jumped-up little madam on placement speaking to you like that about a toddler, which is essentially what your child is. And I second the comment regarding having 0-3 as a baby room. Once they hit around 18 months they should be in a different room for toddlers - different needs, different everything.

Don't just pull your child out of there - think about other children who will attend the place. If they think this kind of nasty, bullying behaviour is acceptable they'll do it to others. Please, please, take this further.

I'm disgusted that an impressionable teen on placement is not only being shown this kind of behaviour (shudder to think about her future with young childcare) but that she's emulating it and thinks it's fine.

Whatisaweekend Wed 11-Dec-13 17:14:31

I didn't train my ds til around 3 and he has none of the potential issues that are being investigated for your ds. It was bloody difficult even at that age!! You mention 'three of the nursery workers' so am I correct in assuming that none of them were managers or your key contact? I would be making an appt with the manager and explaining the following points:
1) it is in no way unusual for a 2.9 yr old to be in nappies (and if they don't know or realise this then they are hugely ignorant)
2) esp when he is being investigated for ADHD and as
3) the "little chat" was carried out in a tremendously unprofessional manner as other people could hear you being upbraided (I mean seriously, you pay their bloody wages after all - how dare they make you feel so belittled)
4) the 16 yr old is clearly in the wrong job and has an appalling attitude

He is your son and potty training should be to YOUR agenda, not theirs, esp as he is only with them once a week.

Katiebeau Wed 11-Dec-13 17:14:32

They are been utterly unreasonable. I have ripped in to my DS nursery recently for "introducing potty training" just before he was 2.

Made it clear it wasn't their decision and reported it to OFSTED as I felt they responded inappropriately to me politely asking them to stop. To be honest OFSTED didn't care but it showed I did. New manager had strange ideas about their role. They have back off and we are back to focusing on painting, water-play and glitter.

Report them above the managers head and give your DS lots of cuddles as you are doing.

Those people should not be in childcare!

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