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To be unhappy with my parents if they go and my partner isnt

(75 Posts)
bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:49:14

Normally on xmas eve we go to my sister's in laws for a meal. This year was to be the same however I have just been informed by my sister, that my partner isnt invited however me and dd are. The reason being he is quite direct so when last year (his first year going) we didnt get food til 10pm, he moaned and also he finished his food before host got to the table (we were told to start and all did). Also my sister in laws and my parents spend a lot of each other so to reduce the spending decided to do a secret santa. My OH said he didnt want to do the secret as the amount set was more than he spends on his family members and why would he want to spend x amount on his sister in laws, sister in law oh!

Obviously my dc and I arent going to go but although havent explained to partner, we are invited just not him. But now I am feeling a bit exiled from the family at christmas.... as me, partner and dc are having christmas at our house (partner's mum and partner were invited but arent comin) and my mum and dad are going to my sisters with the in laws who they are with on xmas eve.

I now feel my mum and dad should on principle not go on xmas eve, it doesnt bother my partner if he goes or not (he is happy as means we arent having to rush around as he'll be at work in the day). But it has left me being left out and not really having a chance to seeing family over christmas for much of the time, when its my dc 1st xmas and my parents only grandchild. While the rest of them play happy families without us. (we were going to try and get to my sisters on xmas day after dinner at ours but its not really logistical possible to go and come back without it being ridiculously late or just going for an hour).

I can see both side my oh and sisters in law but really its me, my mum and sister who are missing out.

In essence should I insist my mum doesnt go, or get annoyed if she does? Or am I being hormonal????

JanineStHubbins Tue 10-Dec-13 21:27:07

As I understand it, the event is hosted by the OP's sister's MIL. It sounds like your DP was quite rude and boorish, and I don't blame them for not wanting him to come again.

Rudeness being excused as 'directness' or 'saying things as they see them' is nothing but a cop-out, imo.

Spherical Tue 10-Dec-13 21:28:00

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

You ask him not to be so direct. Perhaps ask him to think whether he would say those things to his boss/ clients/ the Queen - anyone whom he may really respect. And that if he isn't sure then best to say nothing but to do it with a smile rather than a sulk or scowl.

Pollydingdonmerrilyonhigh Tue 10-Dec-13 21:29:31

Your dp sounds like an arsehole, I wouldn't want him round at mine.

CaptainSweatPants Tue 10-Dec-13 21:31:18

THey want to go to see your sister & her family presumably

I'd invite your parents & sister on boxing day

Eating at 10pm won't work now you've got a child

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:31:21

Cos thats been the way! Dsis and BIL got together in teens and so since before they got married we have had xmas this way, dinner at my sisters MIL and xmas dinner at my DSis as they lived in the same village and so BIL/Dsis didnt have to choose which family to see. Also BIL sis and I werent ever in serious relationship over the past 10 years so was always with the family at xmas. As an 8 it was lovely but now me and BIl sis have partner and children it will all change.

Personally think Dsis MIL had this ideal we would just continue to add chairs for mine and BIL sis and as my partner wants to do own thing at xmas and have xmas day at home she is put out from her ideal

Spherical Tue 10-Dec-13 21:34:27

You could also explain to him that as his sister in law's mother in law was kind enough to invite him to a family meal on Christmas Eve, it would be polite to join in the spirit of that family with regards to the cost of one secret Santa gift.

scaevola Tue 10-Dec-13 21:38:32

OP: what do you believe deep down? Was he rude?

I ask because it sounds as if you are making excuses for him, and seeking to blame everyone else, and expect them to be miserable. All that instead of facing your own misery and looking squarely at what landed you in this position.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:40:13

Also my not inviting him it isnt punishing him, (he isnt bothered about not going and seeing my sister's MIL/FIL as they arent anything to do with him), its me, my mum and my sister.

N he quite abrupt in person and quite selfish in his thinking! And I know i picked him!

JanineStHubbins Tue 10-Dec-13 21:42:32

If your DP isn't fussed about not going, why don't you and your dd go on your own? Then you, your mum and your sister don't get 'punished'.

DontmindifIdo Tue 10-Dec-13 21:43:55

Hmm, I think while noone else said anything last year, you should have told your DP he'd been rude to your family, because he had been. If you go to someone's house who does secret santa and will be recieving a gift, then you join in with it. If they serve food late, you don't complain unless you are close family (which he wasn't at that point), and surely everyone knows when a host says "oh start" you still shouldn't until everyone's at the table unless you are very close to you? This is basic manners, it's never a good sign when you have to teach your adult DP how to behave in company to avoid them embarrassing you/offending anyone...

However, that's a bit late now, get your invite in first for next year, invite your parents and Dsis to you next year. Accept that lives change once more than just one sibling is settled so rarely you'll all be together, but your parents could alternate, you will probably have to host though.

It's also not your Mum's fault your MIL turned down your invite.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary Tue 10-Dec-13 21:44:01

I think ask your parents for boxing day (maybe sis aswell plan something different so not a roast dinner!)

Then next year get in early and say right "it's our turn to host what time would you like to come over DP's"

If they stick to their rut then you will know where you stand.

MidniteScribbler Tue 10-Dec-13 21:52:02

Stop making excuses for him. He's a rude prick and I wouldn't want him at my house either.

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

You tell him that his actions have caused all this angst and that he either grows up and learns how to behave in polite company, or he spends christmas alone. Simples.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:52:13

TBH I cant remember the night, i know he has made some off the cuff / verging on rude remarks. Where I did think getting a bit rude there but nothing like "OMG u need to stop now! Think it has been 1,2,3 strikes and the SS was the third.

I really dont think I could go on the xmas eve as it would be sayin it ok to not invite the oh but me and dc can go even though we are a family unit. (Principles n all that) Oddly enough before though I was thinkin of just going on own xmas eve/ xmas dinner as OHs single friend bday is on xmas eve and his family are a couple of hours drive away and his mum works in care so doesnt always the day off, so often spends the time on his own, so OH and friend could watch DR who together. But now if went again its like saying yea ill leave the partner to be with SIS's in laws.

HyvaPaiva Tue 10-Dec-13 21:52:29

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

I can't stand the way women with rude partners come on here and claim that it's just how 'a man' behaves. It bloody isn't. My DP - like the DPs/DHs of most on here - is a decent, thoughtful, selfless person. It's nonsense to generalize in order to excuse poor behaviour.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Dec-13 21:54:26

He was rude last year.
He isn't bothered this year.

OP, your DP isn't making the effort and because of that you want your family to abandon a long standing Christmas tradition? YABVU. You aren't being pushed out, you are choosing to stay away.

Go without him and get used to the fact that there are going to be many occasions in the future when you will have to go without him. You accept his bluntness, others do not have to and won't. Are you really going to allow his rudeness to isolate you like this?

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 21:59:02

You absolutely should not say anything to your parents, you don't get to dictate where and when they see your sister.

My sister's partner is not welcome in my home (or any of the family homes come to think of it). We tolerated him for years until he swore at one of my kids at ours. At that point he was asked to leave and told he was no longer welcome.

My sister and the kids often come to things without him. I understand this puts her in an awkward position and I am sorry about that, but I will not have my children spoken to like that in their own home.

People have lines in the sand.

BitOfFunWithSanta Tue 10-Dec-13 22:02:39

Dione has got it.

In lots of situations, I'd say that the important thing is to back your partner.

This isn't one of them.

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 22:03:35

I do have my issues with him and his attitude sometimes! Tho thats for another time!

N think if said actually it was u who wasnt invited cos of last year, it would only reiterate the fact to them they arent family to him so he wouldnt be bothered and make the wedge bigger between everyone.

But if the shoe was on the other foot I would expect him not to go!

I think it is the end of the road with all of the extended family getting together, just didnt think it would be this year. Hence, the sadness.

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 22:06:22

If I was rude to my husband's family I would not expect to be invited to their get togethers.

That is the way it goes.

What a shame you are going to let him isolate you from your family.

They are not the ones causing the problem.

firesidechat Tue 10-Dec-13 22:08:30

Oh dear, have I got the wrong end of the stick because he doesn't really sound that rude to me. We eat late most nights, but 10 pm!!!!

Mind you we are a very direct family, so perhaps what's rude in one family isn't in another.

firesidechat Tue 10-Dec-13 22:12:36

Well I've re read the original post and subsequent ones and maybe he was a bit rude, but it must have been very bad to get banned from Christmas dinner this year.

We have one very rude family member and nobody has banned them yet. Give it time though.

Morloth Tue 10-Dec-13 22:14:00

Exactly fireside.

Everyone's line in the sand is different.

I am sure my BIL thought we were overreacting. But nonetheless, it is my house and I will decide who is welcome in it.

Caitlin17 Tue 10-Dec-13 22:21:14

I don't think your partner sounds rude. Not eating until 10pm on Christmas eve sounds bonkers, unless possibly someone was working a late shift, and even then still sounds bonkers making everyone else wait.
I'm completely with him on not seeing the point of buying a present for his sister in law's sister in law. Personally I can't stand secret Santa s, it's just an opportunity to waste a sum of money to get a random present which is invariably nothing you want, need or like and may well have been recycled from some other ss.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 10-Dec-13 22:23:53

Look, your dps rudeness was staggering!

In the year that has passed since, he has not even realized he was rude, so clearly has no manners. It seems he cant even "blame" alcohol.

Your SIL was late serving dinner to a mahoosive amount of people, and your dp was sitting on his arse moaning??? hmm

He would not spend money on a secret santa for the hosts? hmm

And you have not bothered to enlighten him, so he could build bridges during the last year?

I am sorry, but you are clearly siding with this rude man, so you are isolating yourself from your family.

I would not invite him back either.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Dec-13 22:33:42

OP they are not your family and they are nit your parents' family, yet for many years they have been so hospitable to you all that their party has become your tradition.

You love him and even you thought he was rude!fshock. He was disrespectful to them. And in doing so, showed a complete lack of regard for you. You say that you have "issues" with his behaviour. It will only get worse and you will soon find yourself very lonely indeed.fsad

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