to think that this was really selfish and a little stalkery?(95 Posts)
My best friend is in a long term relationship with a man. She told me yesterday that a few years ago she had a 6 month fling with one of her female friends, who she no longer sees. The fling stopped when my best friend met her partner, and yet they continued to be good friends. My best friend yesterday got a message from this girl, after a year of not speaking (my best friend called time when she felt that this girl had secret feelings for her).
The message basically said how she was just wanting closure and to get things off her chest, that she wasn't expecting anything in return but she wanted to tell her she actually had been in love with her and that she was upset that they were no longer friends because of it. That she'd rather be friends than nothing at all.
My friend is feeling a little torn over it, but AIBU to think that this is really selfish of the girl?! And a bit stalkery after not speaking for so long? My best friend is in a long term relationship, I find it really inappropriate and a bit sad tbh.
Friend asked advice and I want to tell her to tell the girl just to not contact her again.
I'm not sure you speak for everyone on the thread, but I don't think it's unreasonable to draw a parallel between the two scenarios. If you do, then so be it.
People saying that are responding the situation described in the OP (ie not your scenario of just getting in touch) so that kind of makes your point redundant. The person in the OP is not just asking for a resolution of feelings. They are asking for friendship that has already been vetoed. In that scenario, if it was a man deciding his wanting friendship was more important than the woman not wanting it, everyone would be answering differently.
I'm not saying it's the same situation- I'm saying that those who believe that the advice would be different if it was a male getting in touch with a female after a significant amount of time aren't correct. Stalking is serious, and to imply that someone who is clearly trying to resolve their feelings about an ex falls into that category just for making contact is to make light of an issue which can be terrifying and dangerous.
I think it's really selfish and disrespectful to refer to a completely non-threatening message as 'stalkery' when you clearly don't even know what stalking is. Your friend should ignore the message, and hopefully not cheat on people again, but she doesn't have the automatic right to never experience consequences of her actions in the form of other people having human emotions as you seem to think. And yes, I would say the same if it was a man- there is nothing remotely threatening or aggressive about the text message you have posted.
But the ex in the OPs scenario isn't asking for advice. She's telling OPs friend that even friendship would be better than nothing even though OPs friend has made it clear that friendship isn't an option for her. It's a bit unfair for the ex to decide her feelings about wanting friendship override OPs friends feelings about not wanting friendship. That's the part that makes it stalkery.
My reply wouldn't have been different - I had an ex contact me after nearly three years to ask me for advice with his new girlfriend as he could see it all going wrong in the same way that it had with me and he was really in love with her. I explained what I had found difficult to deal with about his behaviour and he thanked me and wished me well. He wanted help with something really only an ex could give him, and it was no skin off my nose to provide it to him. I'm not sure why the OP's friend seems to think that would be such hard work for her.
I don't think it's selfish & certainly not stalkery but just a bit weird. I agree with Pictish that the replies would have been slightly different if it'd had been a man.
It was a casual fling that was ended. From what I gather op's friend didn't suspect there were feelings there until sometime after.
Either way the whole thing is ancient history. Your friend should just reply "thanks but no thanks". It's not something to worry about
I don't see anything about the OPs friend not expecting the woman to get emotionally involved just that she ended the friendship because the woman had feelings for her. Is it not okay now to not be friends with someone who wants to be more than friends? I gathered OPs friend was calling the woman stalkery for contacting a year later after no contact.
I don't think anyone would reply this way if it was a male friend. If a man came on here and posted the following:
My friend and I used to have sex regularly for six months while she was in a relationship. She met someone else and ended it. She didnt know but I'd fallen in love with her. We stayed good friends for a while afterwards but she realised I had feelings for her and decided to cut contact. It's been a year now and I need closure. Well, not closure, I want to ask her to be friends again rather than have no contact at all. I know she's already decided she would rather not have contact with me but what about my feelings? Don't I deserve friendship?
Everyone would be telling him to leave her alone!
From reading through again, I don't actually see any evidence that the girl in question has called the ex "creepy", "stalkerish", "disrespectful" etc. All of that is the OP's thoughts on the matter...
Nobody has said she's horrible because she doesn't want to reply. They've said that sleeping with somebody for months and expecting them not to get emotionally involved, and accusing them of being "creepy" when they do is, err, creepy.
But it is creepy to expect someone you haven't spoken to in a year to provide you with your closure. If you can't get over things, it's your own responsibility and issue, not the person who you are obsessing about. OPs friend has no responsibility to this person and isn't horrible just because she doesn't want to reply or because she finds it inappropriate.
OP, you and your friend sound a decidedly grim pair. I've got no problem with somebody deciding in this situation to refuse to meet up because they don't think it will help anybody. But describing this person as "creepy" and "disrespectful" because they've been hurt and texted once in 12 months to ask to talk about it? Sounds like you and your mate are the disrespectful creeps in the story.
From the second (?) post:
* she isn't really her 'ex'. My friend had a boyfriend at the time, this girl was a friend of hers who she hooked up with.*
I might be missing something but where does the op say that her friend was already in a relationship when she started the fling?
What's done is done. I'm with Lizzabadger, your friend should just ignore the message.
Sorry I hurt you but you should move on, Best wishes ...
Nothing to get all chuffy and indignant about.
So let me get this straight,
Your 'friend' was in a relationship, felt bored so decided to entertain herself by sleeping with and leading on a friend.
Clearly your 'friend' had no real interest in this woman and was just using her as a play thing. The way you described it several times suggests that your 'friend' was only ever interested in using the woman as entertainment.
When she met a new man who she actually wanted a relationship with she dumped the old one and dumped the friend.
I can imagine that after a six month relationship anyone
who isn't a self centered bitch would be invested in the relationship and have feelings, to be thrown away like a piece of rubbish must have been heartbreaking.
Then your 'friend' decided that she still wanted to be friend, I would bet a large sum of money that your 'friend' knew full well that the woman had feelings for her, and continued to string her along, and played on those feeling whenever it benefited her in some way. And then when she lost interest she cut contact with the woman completely.
Now, two years later the woman has obviously come to terms with how much she was used and wants closure on the who thing.
That sounds completely reasonable to me.
One thing is clear in this whole thing, your 'friend' is a selfish user, and also sounds very immature.
Frankly I feel sorry for the current partner.
(I use 'friend' because I strongly believe that it is you not a friend who is the selfish user.)
One heartfelt (and not threatening or abusive) text in 2 years does not a stalker make imho
I know I have been heartbroken and wanted to text an ex to ask questions / make contact when I've been feeling desperately sad. My ex did the same to me a few weeks ago. Creepy and stalkerish were not the words that sprang to my mind tbh
Your friemd does like it all her own way doesn't she? I'm assuming she doesn't want her new BF to know she cheated on the last one? Which I can imagine is making her want the Other Girl to go away
'Well, all I can say is thank fuck I'm not permanently indebted to every person I've ever spent any length of time boffing, or who has ever declared love.
In fact, the idea that I could be is ludicrous to me.'
And maidofstone the very fact you think that's what I said is also pretty ludicrous tbh. I didn't suggest that anybody was indebted to anybody.
But saying that the way this poor woman has behaved (and lets get this right, it was a fucking text message, not even a phone call) after being treated so badly is 'disrespectful' is disingenuous in the extreme.
She sent a text message, asking for closure. Asking. Not demanding, not even being unpleasant. She sent a text message and she asked.
If the friend responds with 'No, I'm sorry' this whole matter is done with.
But the suggestion this woman is disrespectful is, frankly, ridiculous. Disrespectful of what? And why does she owe anyone any respect in this scenario at all?
Clearly this still hasn't happened. She quite rightly broke all contact because she feared her friend harboured feeling for her and she was right!
Most of the reactions on here are reacting to the OP's thoughts on the matter, rather than the facts as presented.
I can only think what I'd want if I were the other women and what I'd want if I were the boyfriend. If I were the other woman it would be useful to know there was no chance. She's contacted in the hope of getting back together or getting closure, she needs that text to acknowledge her hurt but that her feelings will never be reciprocated. If I were the boyfriend I'd be happy with that too, but only if she fessed up first as there is no place for secrets in a relationship and to keep secrets is disrespectful to her current relationship. All this happen prior to current relationship but affects it now so the boyfriend has a right to know too.
sutekidane is right.
Whatever her past mistakes, your friend is clearly trying to do the right thing now. If somebody has a relationship that comes to an end then tried to do the letting them down gently thing and remaining friends but suspects the other person is still keen, sure the right thing to do would be to cut that person loose in the hope the other person gets over
There's a difference between "ignore, don't respond" and "it's selfish and stalkerish to have contacted you at all". It's perfectly possible for it to be reasonable for A to contact B and reasonable for B not to respond when A does so.
I agree with Pictish and maid. If this had been written about a man, the replies would be completely different. If a woman posted saying her former FWB, who she'd had to cut contact with because he clearly had feelings for her after the sex had ended, had messaged out the blue saying he was in love with her (even though she is currently in a relationship) everyone would be saying ignore, don't respond. But because its a woman, it's all "aww you broke her heart, she's so brave messaging you".
So you think that your friend's feelings are so important that she gets to cut off contact with the other woman , but the other woman's feelings are so unimportant that she shouldn't even be allowed one solitary attempt to say what they are? Your friend gets to do the equivalent of putting her fingers in her ears and going "Lalalalala, I can't hear you and don't want to know what you have to say" and you think the other woman is being "disrespectful" and "selfish"? Also, you think that sending one message in two years counts as "stalkery"?
pictish, I would say exactly the same if it were a bloke. I don't think they can be friends. I don't think they should meet up. But the dumpee sending one message to say "Actually, this is how I felt and how I feel now about how I was treated" is perfectly appropriate. If it carried on repeatedly then it could easily become stalkerish, but on the facts as the OP has given them? Not even vaguely.
It is also possible that the friend is being dismissive of the whole thing because she regrets or is embarrassed about her gay 'foray'
I don't think the girl is selfish or stalkerish, I think your friend sounds a bit selfish actually.
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