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to think that this was really selfish and a little stalkery?

(95 Posts)
GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:14:45


My best friend is in a long term relationship with a man. She told me yesterday that a few years ago she had a 6 month fling with one of her female friends, who she no longer sees. The fling stopped when my best friend met her partner, and yet they continued to be good friends. My best friend yesterday got a message from this girl, after a year of not speaking (my best friend called time when she felt that this girl had secret feelings for her).

The message basically said how she was just wanting closure and to get things off her chest, that she wasn't expecting anything in return but she wanted to tell her she actually had been in love with her and that she was upset that they were no longer friends because of it. That she'd rather be friends than nothing at all.

My friend is feeling a little torn over it, but AIBU to think that this is really selfish of the girl?! And a bit stalkery after not speaking for so long? My best friend is in a long term relationship, I find it really inappropriate and a bit sad tbh.

Friend asked advice and I want to tell her to tell the girl just to not contact her again.

Sirzy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:19:55

How can something be stalkery if it is the first time it has been mentioned in years?

Which aspect is your friend torn over?

StealthPolarBear Tue 10-Dec-13 17:20:12

I think it was quite a brave text. Your friend doesn't have to resume contact but I think it would be nice to axknowedge her exs hurt feelings

SpottyDottie Tue 10-Dec-13 17:22:33

I have no experience of this and I'm sure someone will come along shortly with more informed advice but my first thought reading this was that if the other girl had been in love with your best friend, it'll be pretty painful for her (the girl) just being friends. I can't see any good coming of this.

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:23:21

About whether to reply Sirzy - I mean it's stalkery in that she still has feelings for her that she 'wants to get off her chest' after they haven't spoken for a good while.

Stealth she isn't really her 'ex'. My friend had a boyfriend at the time, this girl was a friend of hers who she hooked up with. They remained friends afterwards but my friend suspected other girl of having feelings and cut contact. I should have named Best Friend and Girl, it's getting confusing to write.

Sirzy Tue 10-Dec-13 17:26:27

I don't think having feelings for someone makes it stalkery a all.

I also don't think being honest about feelings is a bad thing.

IMO the selfish person is the one who had a 6 month fling whilst inn a relationship with someone else

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest Tue 10-Dec-13 17:26:42

Not great timing. But not stalkerish or selfish.

Selfish would be "I love you and would rather see you dead than with anyone else."<-Stalkerish too.

That did take balls, though. Poor girl.

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:26:52

From what you say here it sounds as though your friend used her female friend rather badly.

Like Polarbear I think the message was brave and dignified and not at all 'stalkery' I think your friend should get over herself, and respond either by saying that she thanks her for getting in touch but really doesn't want to meet again, or by saying that she (your friend) is in fact something of a shallow and callous biyatch and really not worthy of her friend's tears. That ought to do it.

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:28:15

Yes but my friend told her she didn't want any more contact early 2012. And now she sends her a message saying basically that she was in love with her which is exactly what my friend didn't want to hear. I find it creepy, tbh. But my friend will make her own mind up, it's just really irritated me. It's rude.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Tue 10-Dec-13 17:30:11

I don't think it's creepy or rude at all, the poor woman is trying to move on after being used then shit on from a great height. Well done to her, I wish I was that brave.

SaucyJack Tue 10-Dec-13 17:30:17

So your friend was happy to use this woman for a six-month sexual affair, but does not want to deal with the fallout of the other woman's feelings?

And you think it's the other woman who's being selfish?

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:32:16

And now she sends her a message saying basically that she was in love with her which is exactly what my friend didn't want to hear.

How very awful for your friend that she doesn't have things all her own way all of the time. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh here, but I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment....

Not rude at all. It occurs to me, are you in fact your friend?

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:33:36

I'm don't think I'm getting the point across very well. They were friends for a couple of years after the sexual part, but my friend was in a happy relationship with a man and suspected this friend had feelings for her. So she thought the best thing was to go no contact, and told the girl that. I now find it disrespectful to just go ahead and voice her feelings anyway!

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:34:56

No Delurked although I did think straight after posting that people would accuse me of being my friend/it being a reverse. It's not. It's just that my friend is asking for advice, and I wanted to get some opinions.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 10-Dec-13 17:36:11

I don't see how it's either selfish or stalkery - it just sounds like this woman is rather heart-broken!

So your friend was having a fling but thought that both parties were happy without it being anything to do with 'feelings', and broke off when it turned out that wasn't the case - is that right?

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:36:30

No, you were perfectly clear from the off Parker.

I don't think the dumped woman is any more disrespectful of your friend's feelings than your friend is of hers.

Though I agree with Dottie that the former friend is probably not acting in her own best interests, but that's another matter.

HarryTheHungryHippo Tue 10-Dec-13 17:37:16

I agree with everyone else on this thread, it sounds like your friend just wanted something to tick off her list. I'm not gay but I can see why women who are get annoyed with those who are just out to experiment and use it as something to brag to men about.
Not only was this woman hurt but she also lost her friend who thought so little of their friendship it was easier to cut off her than deal with her having feelings towards her.

Backinthering Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:20

Is your friend the Queen of Sheba?

Delurkedforthis Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:25

Fair enough Parker: I apologise for being suspicious. But I think you have the opinions you asked for quite unequivocally! It's not selfish, or stalkery and if anything, your friend is a bit of a caaaaaah!

GirlNamedParker Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:33

TheOriginal she didn't think there were any feelings. She broke it off when she met a new boyfriend, (she had a boyfriend while they were hooking up, but a different one) then when she met her current partner she asked girl if they could just be friends. They were, for a couple of years, until my friend started to suspect feelings. Then she cut contact.

gamerchick Tue 10-Dec-13 17:38:56

Your friend used this girl.. chewed her up and spat her out. Whether it was intentional or not.

The least she can do is give the girl some closure.. even if it's to tell her she doesn't think friendship is possible.

WelshMaenad Tue 10-Dec-13 17:39:14

Your friend sounds like a right self absorbed bitch, tbh.

Binkyridesagain Tue 10-Dec-13 17:39:28

Maybe your friend should finally face up to the consequences of what she did by screwing around with someone else and then dumping them without a second thought.

crazyafterall Tue 10-Dec-13 17:40:19

That poor girl.
That took a lot of guts. Not at all stalkery or rude. Just hurt and wanting closure.

I hope she finds the strength to move on.

HarryTheHungryHippo Tue 10-Dec-13 17:41:20

I now find it disrespectful to just go ahead and voice her feelings anyway!


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