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to be so upset with dds friend, and never allow her in the house again

(168 Posts)
LucyLasticKnickers Tue 10-Dec-13 10:20:02

or to have a word with her mother.

dd had a birthday party sleepover, she was 16.
she had four friends round.
it was fine, a few grumbles. me and dh did a big tidy in preparation.

apart from the shower curtain, that isnt very pleasant but tbh i did not expect anyone to have a shower in the morning.

anyone one friend - reminds me of a girl i went to college with - insufferable snob. but they all like her. had a shower, i dont know if that was it, but apparently on the way home she told anotehr friend she needed another shower to get over being at our house!
dd has only just plucked up the courage to tell me, nearly 6 months after the event.
these 4 friends are apparently anglying for anotehr invite.

tell me she is only 16 and I should get over it but I am so upset.

oldgrandmama Tue 10-Dec-13 20:17:19

Years ago (talking 1970s here) my home seemed to be the unofficial play centre for the neighbourhood ...after school, son and daughter would come home with half a dozen or so schoolmates, to play in the house and garden. Whoever was around at teatime, stayed for tea (yes, parents were that relaxed those days, not anguishing where their kids had got to after school). But one day, a mother phoned me us and told me curtly that her son had complained that the baked beans on toast I'd provided as an impromptu tea for any kids around at teatime were COLD! That I was speechless doesn't do it justice! Yes, I should have banned her bloody child from ever darkening my doors again, but of course I didn't.

I think, reading OP's post and subsequent thread, that perhaps OP's underlying concern is her husband's hoarding. I know ALL about that - my father was a junk antique dealer and our entire, five floor house was absolutely crammed with 'stock', boxes and boxes of it and some freestanding. The flights of stairs had about six inches of tread visible, with boxes, crap, each side and all the bedrooms of us kids were piled high with more boxes - and if one of us should be away, we'd return to find our bloody BED covered in more boxes.

Father just bought and bought but hated selling anything - think hoarding crossed with paranoia, in case someone might actually BUY something for, say, a tenner, and then sell it for eleven quid ... the thought that buyer had MADE A QUID drove my father crazy. So he sold practically nothing but kept buying. He and my mother were also chronic depressives. Happy days ...!

Our house's condition was so 'eccentric' it became, weirdly, almost a 'must visit' for my schoolmates, which was lucky for me, as I could so easily have become the class pariah. As it was, they angled for an invitation to the house, just to marvel at the state of it.

Mind you, I'm still marvelling at the sang froid of the girls who were there on the occasion of my fifteenth birthday party (my poor mother did try to make an effort at parties - her speciality was prawn vol-au-vents and wallnut cake). My father, in one of his massive sulks where he didn't speak to any of us for, usually, a fortnight, but took to his bed with tactical 'flu', suddenly appeared on the stairs, clad in his woollen long-johns, carrying a chamberpot full of urine! In as dignified a stalk as any man could manage in yellowing woollen longjohns bearing a pot of piss, he silently plodded past my friends and into the bathroom!

My schoolmates never referred to this afterwards, bless them - but it makes a slightly manky shower curtain seem pretty insignificant. But I'm trying to say that I do sympathise with OP about her husband's hoarding - it's so difficult and trying to get them to sort it a huge struggle. My mother never managed it and eventually divorced the old man. When he died, his house was still crammed from attic to cellar with junk, sorry, antiques.

blackandwhiteandredallover Tue 10-Dec-13 20:39:05

Don't stress about it- I think you did a really nice thing by letting your DD have a sleepover. I know what it's like- I grew up in a council house with mismatched furniture from the local charity, peeling wallpaper and a mum who liked to pile books all over the place. She would never let me have friends over to play- she always said 'I don't want your friends going home and telling their parents what an awful house we live in'. She was probably trying to protect me, but it meant that I very rarely got invited to parties or sleepovers, as I never had my own.

stooshe Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:35

OP. Just try and keep your home clean. If you have to go "Rambo" to get your husband to sort out his hoarding problem, do so. I think that his hoarding has discouraged you from making a consistent effort. You don't have to have a" showhome". I wouldn't listen to the "nasty, but proud" brigade on here. You keep things relatively clean, they last longer. Nothing wrong with "mismatched" stuff. I'm one of those "if I like it, it matches" types. Ambience is the key. I come from a culture of "make shit shine". The reverse snobbery of "not giving a fuck" about cleanliness is probably why we have so much 'elf and safety" over here. To save people from their own dang selves.
Do a little every day (good exercise and quite mind cleansing, actually) and live by the rule that a bathroom and kitchen cannot be too clean. Nobody really wants to drink out of a glass when they visit a nasty home, or shower, whilst cringing away from a manky shower curtain. Polite people do, but it is rude to expect them to.
I'm surprised on a site where self awareness is often championed that many are jumping to the "bitchy judgeypants" conclusion for those who are not a friend of bad hygiene.... what is a person supposed to think? OP, there are bigger battles to fight in life than the right to keep a dirty home. Good luck!

TheGinLushMinion Tue 10-Dec-13 21:53:20

I have an aversion to shower curtains-fucking hate them.

OP get a screen, much better.

She was rude but clearly not that bothered if she's after staying again? Think nothing else of it.

Dancergirl Tue 10-Dec-13 22:16:57

Whether the house is clean or dirty is completely irrelevant here.

The girl was rude and personally if my daughter had made a comment like that I would be mortified.

Good manners mean keeping your feelings to yourself about other people's houses.

Dancergirl Tue 10-Dec-13 22:18:38

OP, just be relieved its not your dd with such bad manners!

starkadder Tue 10-Dec-13 22:23:12

She was rude. But best to just forget it, unless she is also unpleasant to your daughter, in which case support your daughter.

You know you can put shower curtains in the washing machine?

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 22:39:22

If mould is the problem it will not wash off. It's fungi not dirt (sorry to be pedantic about such a small point, when the discussion moved away from that).

That being said, we don't even know what the girl took exception to.

LucyLasticKnickers Tue 10-Dec-13 23:17:49

thank you for all your comments. I do feel loads better now, and I have a NEW shower curtain ! fgrin yay.

I have had a word with DH, a few months ago, I was so upset, and It did look better, <<until DS landed up with a huge TV in our sitting room, waiting to be sorted - hoarding is obviously hereditory>>
so that is a start.
and the shower curtains never come clean in the washing machine. <<mould I think>>
I see them in the supermarket but from now on I will buy a new one.


K8Middleton Tue 10-Dec-13 23:19:28

Good for you. I hope things work out for you flowers

ICameOnTheJitney Tue 10-Dec-13 23:27:16

Lucy most people shower first's reasonable to clean your curtain as mould is very unhealthy. I see you're getting a new one. Try to keep the place clean as it's better for everyone.

LucyLasticKnickers Tue 10-Dec-13 23:32:33

when my dd was about 6 she went to a sleepover - several times to this particular girls, but she didnt like their bathroom. she told me, but she wouldn't have told anyone else. and neither would i,
unfortunately 16 year olds are different from 6 year olds in that respect, unless of course her friend would hve Told at the age of 6 as well as the Age of 16 hmm

i have forgiven my dd's friend <<for now>> and ignore those of you who tell me to clean up! <<convenient>>

wordfactory Wed 11-Dec-13 08:37:08

For a number of teen-related reasons, we are (too bloody) often the sleep over venure of choice.

My (extensive) experience of them is that if they're for convenience and the DC intend to do something the next day, they will shower.

However, if the sleep over is the point of the exercise, a party in onesies if you will, and there are hordes of them, they don't. In fact, they will still be in their onesies, cupping huge mugs of hot chocolate with whippy cream and marshmallows, hair and teeth unbrushed, when their parents arrive to pick them up.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 08:39:23

Lucy, you can get a spray on mould killer with bleach to get rid of any mould spores that are settling on the grouting and window ledges. I use one. (And yes I know shower curtains don't come clean because it's not dirt but fungus!!) It doesn't mean you are dirty but it does mean your bathroom isn't properly ventilated -you need to open the windows quite a bit to let out steam/condensation, etc. I fight a constant battle with this, and it makes everyone have allergic symptoms, which is why I say you need to clean it off with a spray, because it will could start to make you/family have respiratory problems and itchy eyes, etc.

You sound knackered. Marigolds come in all sizes, big enough to fit 16 year old girls and well as boys and men. I think they all need a pair. Something to put on their Christmas list...

Glad you are having a more peaceful Christmas. Good luck with the hoarders.

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 14:39:33

Oh bless you and indeed YEEYfsmile for the new shower curtain!!
Hope you feel a bit more relaxed about it all now?xx

starkadder Wed 11-Dec-13 19:38:16

Yay for new shower curtain smile.

Mould comes off mine in washing machine...maybe I have a superpower washing machine (I think not) or pathetic mould....

VivaLeBeaver Wed 11-Dec-13 19:45:50

I used to soak my shower curtain in a bleach solution in he bath every now and then to get it clean. Have shower with a door now which is easier.

OP, I would leave it. If that's the only comment she's made it sounds like teen thoughtlessness. I think at 16 a mouldy shower curtain would have made me feel a bit ugh.

Gruntfuttock Wed 11-Dec-13 19:53:49

I regularly soak my shower curtain in a bleach solution in a large bucket for a few hours, then wash it in the washing machine. When it's finished spinning I hang it back up again as it's nearly dry. It looks like new.

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