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to disagree with DH and that I DO make a valuable contribution?

(98 Posts)
notarealgrownup Mon 09-Dec-13 21:07:00

DH has really knocked me sideways today.
We were chatting about one of his friends wives who has just been promoted to something pretty high up in the NHS, a position that pays about £50,000 pa. He then asked me when I was going to get a "proper job". I was gutted.
Been married for 12 years, 3 DCs and have always been a SAHM. Since youngest started school I have been working from home running a shop on EBAY. I have never had what you could call a career, just moved through various low paid jobs since leaving school. So when I became pregnant with DC1 we both agreed that it made sense for me to be a SAHM.
DH is self employed, and charges £30 per hour ( sometimes more depending on the job), and never works more than 30 hours per week through choice as this leaves him plenty of time to follow his hobbies.
My income is much lower (obviously), but it pays for food, clothing, fuel, xmas and birthday presents, etc. I do not contribute to the mortgage or gas/electric (the proper stuff as DH calls it) as I don't bring in enough.
I chose to work from home in order to be there in the morning and after school for the DCs. Also to not have to find childcare during the school holidays, as DH would expect me to pay for this and not contribute himself.
I realise I will never be able to earn as much as DH, but he seems to see what I do contribute (along with looking after the house, etc) as "not a proper /adult occupation". As though its merely a bit of a hobby.
Sorry for rambling, but just trying to explain as much as possible.

creighton Mon 09-Dec-13 21:27:16

food, clothing, fuel, presents. it sounds like you are 'contributing' a reasonable amount from your ebay shop as well as running the house and looking after the children.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him never to speak to you like that again, and tell him to get a full time job instead of arsing around for 30 hours a week. cheeky shit.

purrtrillpadpadpad Mon 09-Dec-13 21:31:55

Creighton, I totally agree.

pigsDOfly Mon 09-Dec-13 21:33:13

So in his opinion food, clothing and fuel is not 'proper stuff' hmmm.

What an arse.

You're doing more than you're fair share OP, a hell of a lot more than 30 hours a week that's a sure thing. Do you get to follow your hobbies? And does he do his fair share of housework and childcare? especially given that he's working not much more than part time hours.

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 21:39:40

I would stop buying food or presents for him as they dont count as "proper" bills.

And then present him with a bill for his half of the childcare and housework you do. Tell him that yes, you have thought about it and you would like to get a "proper" job, so you need to sit down together and work out his contribution to the childcare costs and how he wants to handle his half of the chores, will he do them himself or pay someone to do them?

Then have the vaseline ready to dress his friction burns from his frantic back pedalling!

notarealgrownup Mon 09-Dec-13 21:51:47

He doesn't lift a finger in the house.
Has never cooked one meal, decorated, mowed the lawn, cleaned the car, washed the dishes, doesn't know how the the washing machine works, not remotely aware of wher the ironing board is, etc.
Only the other day whilst I was rushing to get the kids to school and he was sat reading the paper, I jokingly said "I 'll put the dustbin out then shall I?" To which he rolled his eyes and replied "fine I'll do it, we don't want people thinking I do nothing round here do we?"
I would be quite prepared to go out and get a job full time if I knew I would get help with getting the kids to school, picking them up and cooking them dinner, etc. but I know I won't . He will expect his routine to continue the same because he will still be the higher earner.

LindyHemming Mon 09-Dec-13 21:53:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlefrogs Mon 09-Dec-13 21:53:40

He sounds awful sad

notarealgrownup Mon 09-Dec-13 21:55:21

I just can't seem to make him see that the only reason his friends wives have "proper" jobs outside the home is because they have a supportive DH working alongside them.

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 09-Dec-13 22:01:30

Perhaps he did think you would return to work once the children were at school, not just for the financial contribution but for yourself.

Billing him for childcare and housework would be silly though. Thats just what parents and adults do. If you are at home all day it does make sense for you to pick up the bulk of it if expecting him to pay the bills and mortgage.

Ragusa Mon 09-Dec-13 22:03:10

How can you be with someone like this?!? Please start standing up for yourself. It's not good for you to say the least and it's an appaling view ofhow the world works to show to your kids.

First off, get a time-consuming hobby. Don't negotiate, just say "oh DH, I've signed up for paintballing/ tae kwon do/ feminism and women's rights classes. It'sbon x night every week. I'll bevout from x till x. Stop ironing his clothes or cooking his meals, the lazy, entitled neanderthal. If it's so low-value and easy, hecwon't mid doing it himself, will he wink

Ragusa Mon 09-Dec-13 22:04:39

Sorry for terrible typos.... on phone, fat fingers.

Ragusa Mon 09-Dec-13 22:08:13

PS at the risk of sounding like a miserable old sow, stop joking with him about his feck-arse laziness (the bin comment) next time simply tip the contents into hs lap

optimusic Mon 09-Dec-13 22:09:08

I would be telling him to fuck off and live somewhere else. Then come back in 6 months and tell me how I do nothing and don't make a valuable contribution. What a complete tosser. You aren't his mum. If you really don't want to kick him to the curb stop doing anything for him. Concentrate on you and the children. So fucking what he pays a couple of bills, whoopdewoo.

Ineedanewone Mon 09-Dec-13 22:12:14

Your post has made me sad and angry by equal measure. I was a sahm for 18 years ( 4 dc) and throughout that time my dh always acknowledged how much I contributed to the family, and did diy, gardening, weekend cooking, looked after the kids when I had time to myself at weekends and basically got the unpaid but equal value equation.
I'm not sure how you tackle this, but he is being very unreasonable.

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 22:14:16

HAppy have you RTFT? He works 30 hours a week, and does NOTHING else. He expects his meals cooked, his washing done, his kids cared for etc AND for the OP to work!

I will concede that billing hims is silly, but then as the only alternative for the OP is leaving him I thought I would throw it out as a suggestion.

In all seriousness though OP, I think that perhaps you do need to leave him, even if not permanently and insist he has the kids 50:50. He will soon be begging you to come back, at which point you might just decide that you dont want to when you have found out what life is like with only 3 kids and not 4.

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 22:15:07

I would definitely stop doing his washing and cooking though.

Nanny0gg Mon 09-Dec-13 22:17:48

He doesn't know he's born, does he?

Was he brought up to be this entitled?

I don't know any family man who doesn't work at least this 'man's' hours (usually more), plus a commute of some kind, who doesn't do a reasonable share at home, even with a SAH wife. Let alone one that works as well (which you do, OP, whether it's from home or not).

He's an arse.

ShoeWhore Mon 09-Dec-13 22:18:54

What an arse.

If he only works 30 hours a week then he should be able to do all the school runs and childcare. I'd be really tempted to invent get a "proper" job and leave him to it grin Or maybe just stop doing all the really valuable things you do now.

I am so cross on your behalf OP.

Jinty64 Mon 09-Dec-13 22:22:06

If your contribution is not valuable then you should stop making it! See how he gets on then.

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 22:25:13

Was he brought up to be this entitled?

Good Q Nanny, this has got "My Mum did everything and she worked an 80 hour week. She cant believe that you asked me to take the bin out" written all over it.

notarealgrownup Mon 09-Dec-13 22:25:30

I think I just needed to an outside perspective on this.
TBH I would like him to take a more active part in the family, and I do appreciate the financial contribution he makes. Just wish he appreciated my contribution, even if it can't match his.

blueshoes Mon 09-Dec-13 22:27:32

I would take the insurer's £70K estimation with a pinch of salt. They big up the figure to be able to sell you more insurance. They are also assuming SAHMs are performing their roles to professional paid employment standards.

Would you go back to work if your dh was more supportive of you? Have you had this conversation with your dh? What do you yourself want?

Ragusa Mon 09-Dec-13 22:27:41

stop it with the "even if it can't match his" stuff. You've started believing his propaganda.

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 22:28:00

You are right, your contribution doesnt match his. In sheer man hours it far exceeds his! And I bet if you added up what he pays for the mortgage and bills with what you pay, you wont be far short financially either.

Have you ever actually compared the figures, with the actual receipts etc in front of you not just guessing?

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 22:28:59

Another Q about money.

do you share finances? Do you have equal spending money left over? Or do you, I am just guessing here, spend your earnings on food, clothes, car etc and have nothing left while he spaffs hundreds a month on his hobby?

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