to ask my dMum and dsister to stop talking about me behind my back?(22 Posts)
I'm not sure if I'm being too precious and/or controlling but its really pissing me off.
The background is that I have been very very sick, six months of being bedridden with another 6 months of being too sick to leave the house. I'm still recovering slowly.
I have three dc all under 7 so it has been extremely difficult. My Mum has helped us a lot, as have pils and wonderful friends.
My dsister has barely been in contact. I've seen her once in the last 12 months. She hasn't rung to see how I, dh or the dcs are. I guess some people can't handle illness. I know its common. We've lost a couple of friends for the same reason. Whilst I try not to let this bother me too much,it has upset me a fair bit.
I spoke to dsis recently and it was humiliating as she kept insisting that dMum had said I was now well enough to do x and y so why wasn't I able do a and b (things she wants me to do). It was so humiliating having to explain all of the things I still can't do and why they would be too hard. Things like I can't walk far enough, I struggle with anxiety, I can't stand for that long. She's also cross that she researched some alternative cures right at the start which I've not done (too expensive, I wasn't well enough to travel, too risky).
Since dsis hasn't rung me much in this all in this time, I feel uncomfortable that she's getting this information from dMum and using it against me. I think she also wants to give dmum the impression of caring about us, by asking her, rather than getting in touch with us to see how we are and r offering any help with the dc or anything.
Would it be unreasonable and/or inappropriate to ask dmum not to talk about me with dsis?
It would be unreasonable. OTOH it would be totally reasonable to tell your DSis to fuck off to the far side of fuck with her alternative cures and bossy crap.
Not unreasonable but not enforceable either; if they've a mind to swap helpful
gossipy information about you, they'll do it behind your back. That's families for you, I'm afraid. I have the same problem. All you can really do is say your piece and refuse to engage.
Thanks Cognito. I'm going about this the wrong way aren't I?
Well... of the two of them, your DM is being really helpful. Whatever she's said or not said to your DSis the latter seems intent on giving you the bossy 'surely you must be better by now' treatment anyway. I'd say your quarrel was with Little Miss Bossy Pants and not Mum.
What the hell would she know she's not around, that's all you have to say to her before hanging up. I wouldn't even speak to her next time, people like that aren't worth it.
Yanbu to ask your DM to stop passing info to your Dsis, if she would like to know then she should call you.
YWDNBU in telling your Dsis to STFU while fucking the fuck off. She has no first hand clue so therefore keep her gob shut.
Anyfuckersfroglegs - that's how I feel. Why not just ring me (and you know, maybe offer to give dh a hand). If she really cared that's what she'd do.
She wants dMum to think well of her.
Cognito - spot on! Mum has been brilliant so I don't want to upset her. I'm sure she's upset by her daughters not getting along.
Your sister is not being a good friend to you. Tell her this.
(I love it when Cogito is called Cognito. It makes me think of her alternate super hero personality.)
I have told her. It did not go well. Apparently I have not asked for help in the right way or often enough.
Btw I've begged. Proper begged in floods of tears. She said no.
Cherry IM family experience there is not a hope that your DM and DS will stop talking. There is a place to tell your DS that she needs to help; shut up about stupid cures; not get involved if she cant do the first two. And repeat.
How was your relationship before you were ill? Would she have visited and helped with dc then? If your relationship was already difficult I'm afraid your illness doesn't mean that things will suddenly be ok (bitter experience talking)
re the alternatives she "researched" on the internet, I'd tell her to fuck off and perhaps ask her if she thinks she has better knowledge of the topic than your doctors. Or shut her down and say "my doctor recommended I not do that" (whether they did or not) and refuse to engage.
I wouldn't try and justify myself to her either about what you should be doing. I'd do the same thing again "my doctors says xyz" whenever she tells you something that you should be doing.
Personally, if she did nothing to help, then tell her to get lost. I've experienced this kind of thing first hand with a chronic illness, people who have read a bloody magazine article on the illness telling me what I should and shouldn't do and trying to control what I eat/how I live "for my own good".... I feel like telling them to make an appointment with my geneticist/oncologist etc etc and tell them what they are doing wrong!
I am sorry, Cherry. You deserve a better sister.
I am horribly personally familiar with the selfish reactions people have to severe illness, and how many people cut you off / blame you/ act like fucking bastards. It's hideous and you have all my sympathy.
Your sister sounds like an arse. I would recommend withdrawing yourself from her, emotionally and practically as well. You don't need to be hurt and drained by her nastiness. You need to take care of yourself and surround yourself with kind and living people.
I am angry on your behalf that you begged her and cried yet she turned you away and refused to help. I hope karma bites her and she gets to feel how it is for someone to do that.
I must admit that I'm always directly passing info on to a couple of ill friends. But they know its well researched, mostly doable and done with good communication/love. I think the problem is how your DSis delivers the info. She may not realise its too expensive.
id ask your mum to ask her to ring you directly instead of passing messages on. Ask your mum not to pass on what DSis says to you. She clearly hasn't got a full understanding of what you can/can't do at the moment. But maybe your mum actually needs to discus things with her so that your mum has some support.
I'd have a word with your mum about how you feel. I think you would be putting your mum in awkward position if you asked her not to tell your DSIS anything. Perhaps your mum speaks to DSIS as she needs someone to talk to about it all- I bet she's very concerned for you, and probably fairly exhausted if she's been doing a lot for you, your DH and DCs, on top of her own responsibilities.
As to your sister- she does sound less than helpful and very selfish. I would ignore her suggestions and comments, and would not expect anything from her.
However, I would add that if you weren't close before you became unwell then it shouldn't come as to much of a surprise that she wasn't very involved- you don't suddenly become helpful/close to a sibling just because are unwell. Although you might have expected her to help when asked, if she could.
Does she live far away?
From my own experience, I'd say that if you weren't close, then it is more of an ask to help, than it would have been if we were close. When my DB was unwell (not nearly as unwell as you, by the sounds of it), I initially helped them occasionally as we live around 45 minutes drive from them and we are not close. The requests for help started getting more and more frequent, even when I explained why I couldn't help (e.g. work, my own families needs) and it felt like DB and SIL were taking advantage a bit. When I started saying "sorry, I can't help", I would get a begging phone call from SIL in tears, but I felt it was an attempt to manipulate me into doing what they wanted, so I said no. I guess it depends on your relationship with your sister really, as to how unreasonable she was (although her comments are definitely unacceptable).
Sorry I've not been on. A(nother) medical appointment! Appreciate all of the comments.
I don't really want to ask my Mum about it again. I think she feels she's piggy in the middle and that doesn't feel fair.
I have told her. It did not go well. Apparently I have not asked for help in the right way or often enough. Btw I've begged. Proper begged in floods of tears. She said no.
I'm sorry you're going through this - a similar thing happened to me with my parents (I won't go into it all). Many people don't 'do' illness well and have their own ideas about how best to help you and what you should expect of them. A lot of people like this also make their own unreasonable demands - it may even be conflicting with your doctors' advice. I've been told to 'just get over' my anxiety, 'just get up' when I had fallen and couldn't. In the end, I've had to push my parents back a bit because it was stressing me out more when they tried to 'help'.
I also lost a friend over my illness because I didn't 'entertain her enough' and 'wasn't grateful enough' when she came to visit me in hospital - never mind that I was in critical condition and was literally dying at the time (I got better, obviously!). Still, she was a terrible cunt and an awful friend for lots of other reasons (I should make a thread about her to get it off my chest), so no great loss there.
Your sister sounds very aggressive as well as unhelpful. I wouldn't bother raising it with your mum. What I'd do in your place is tell sis to fuck off, or at least quietly put the phone down/leave the room when she starts talking.
I hope you feel better soon. It's very disappointing at the very least when you feel like someone has abandoned you at your worst time, but some people are just incapable of human empathy or even make an effort to understand.
Have some and
I agree with lookatmybutt and others
This is all about your Dsis's failure/inability to do the helpful thing in the face of illness.
Your DSis can to impress your mum. She'll form her own opinions - which you can't control.
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