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To be getting irritated by my want it all dd?

(88 Posts)
Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:14:39

I need some outside persepective and feel like a bad mother so feel free to be harsh and put me back in my place.

Anything anybody has or is doing my dd wants a piece of the action but not in a rude way but it really grates on me for example:

Someone walks into the lounge with a can of coke - ooh coke please may I get a can of coke.
I was given chocolates as a gift, my dh asked if he could have one I said do I get to keep nothing in this place ok have one. I've gone to the box and four are gone, I said to dh why did you eat four and he said he had two and dd asked so he gave her two.
If I go out anywhere dd asks to come too even if its not something she'll enjoy she'd prefer to come along than be left out.

Because I feel bad about not wanting to always include dd due to the cost (she's an old teen so adult cost) or share items with dd, I've stopped doing stuff and purchasing items.

But this is making me begrudge her behaviour more.

If I decline her wants she isn't rude she just accepts it but then I feel guilty. If I don't invite her I then feel guilty.

This is more my issue than my dd's isn't it?

Would I BU if I was to exclude (or not include) dd sometimes?
Would I BU to decline her having something that someone else has sometimes?
Everyone else in the house shares everything with her. No one else in the house is like this, i.e. they don't ask if they see someone with something, they choose to come to things that they ony really really want to do.

LucilleBluth Mon 09-Dec-13 18:46:14

I can kind of see where the OP is coming from. I have three DCs, but only DS1 can wind me up to the point where I feel dizzy with anger, I love him, I adore him, he's my pfb, he's smart, clever, talented, handsome but oh my god can he drive me mad in a way his brother and sister can't.

It doesn't mean I love him any less but it's a personality thing. DS1 wants everything DS2 has, coke being a prime example......I hardly ever buy fizzy drinks but when for some reason I do DS1 would drink them all by the end of the day, the world is against him. My way of dealing with him to for us to have our conflict then talk about it, he's 12 now and we talk a lot.

AbiRoad Mon 09-Dec-13 17:19:12

I agree with others that your examples are pretty trivial (even knowing there were only 6 chocolates) and I was also expecting a list of demands for phones and IPads etc. But maybe you just chose bad examples and there is a real point here. it sounds to me that (as others have said) the real point is that your DD is both lonely and insecure, and that is what you need to be addressing. I have a (younger) DD who suffers from the insecurity - she sometimes won't express a view until her sister does, or will change her mind as soon as her sister says what she wants. Sometimes it is because she genuinely cannot decide. others times, it is because she is not confident in her decision. She also copies her sister's ideas about hoemwork (they are twins) even if in fact her own original idea was better. It is something we are working on with her.

GideonKipper Mon 09-Dec-13 17:14:44

HMOD well if you had read the full thread you'd see I responded to that point in my post which followed straight on from that one hmm.

ElenorRigby Mon 09-Dec-13 16:09:23

OP just read there are 6 years between your eldest and the next one.

There are 5 1/2 years between DSD and DD.

ElenorRigby Mon 09-Dec-13 16:06:15

DSD kinda does this especially with DD.

Recent example: DD went to her schools Christmas fair. DD comes home with a gold coloured crown worth pennies. DSD then wants that crown and wears it all bloomin evening. There is no way DSD really wants it, she just wants what DD has. She does this a lot.

I can only put it down to insecurity and jealousy. Poor DSD has admitted to being jealous of DD.

happygirl87 Mon 09-Dec-13 15:43:58

In relation to coke or whatever, I can see that if you buy a 6 pack and [other DC number 1] has a coke on Monday and DD wants one too, then [other DC number 2] has one on Tues and DD wants one too, then DH has one on Wed and DD wants one too the she is getting more. I think with treats you need to make it clear that they should be shared.

But bigger picture, is DD anxious/lonely? It's bit unusual to want to come to soft play when you could be at home, playing loud music slamming doors and complaining that life is SOOOO unfair wink. Does she have friends? I think to avoid resenting her you need to decide (and confirm privately with DH) that x activities (e.g. going out with him on Tues, going to soft play on Sat etc) will be without her. Then when she asks to come, say that you want time with DH/can't afford it- she's old enough to understand that- and suggest she does something else instead whilst you are out.

Re the chocs, save them for your bath or similar and no-one else can have one!

sutekidane Mon 09-Dec-13 14:21:47

I keep thinking about this thread and feeling sorry for the dd. She's floating along just living life without even realising her mum is silently resenting things she's doing every day. Poor girl.

livinginawinterwonderland Mon 09-Dec-13 14:18:08

Yeah, maybe she should have realised, but she's a teenager and just wanted the same as what her dad had, and her dad said she could have them. The husband is to blame re. the chocolates. OP said he could have one, not two and give another two away as well.

cuddlymoomoo Mon 09-Dec-13 14:05:18

I'm with Remus - I thought she would be wanting an iphone and an xbox one and an ipad and everything else confused, not two chocolates and a banana.

Don't you just joke about stuff? Isn't that more normal? Chocolates - only 6? Right, one each or, bugger off, they're all mine would be the rule here. Drinks/snacks - write your names on the cans, the youngest gets that as his job (instead of the actual drinks - I'm cruel) and they just laugh about it. Soft play? Find a new one that doesn't charge adults.

I agree with the person who made the point about territory. She sounds fine - you sound a bit odd though.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Mon 09-Dec-13 13:42:38

I think your dh is the rude one tbh and your dd is copying him.
I tell mine no all the time, it stops them growing up spoilt and entitled. You need to say no and set boundaries and also say no to your dh.

HMOD Mon 09-Dec-13 13:38:25

Surely if her DD is an 'old teen' she should realise that scoffing a third of her mother's chocolate (given as a gift) is not on? IMO, husband and daughter are equally responsible.

livinginawinterwonderland Mon 09-Dec-13 13:23:45

*Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

Copying and pasting because people are missing this! Honestly, if you're too busy to read the entire thread (a whole three pages), then you're too busy to write a response.*

You're also missing that it's the OP's husband that took two and allowed the DD to take another two. Surely the husband needs to take the blame for that one?

ICameOnTheJitney Mon 09-Dec-13 13:20:15

My sisters DD is 21 and ALWAYS comes to everything with her. It irritates me tbh. Why does a 21 year old want to hang out with her old aunty and mum!? I wouldn;t mind sometimes of course but I never get to be with my sister alone...ever! I think it's quite common and due to a bit of spoiling.

HMOD Mon 09-Dec-13 13:16:52

Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

Copying and pasting because people are missing this! Honestly, if you're too busy to read the entire thread (a whole three pages), then you're too busy to write a response.

VodkaJelly Mon 09-Dec-13 13:16:27

I kind of know where you are coming from. My DS2 is the same. If somebody gets anything to eat or drink, he has to have the same.

For example, there were some bananas in the fridge and were starting to go off they were there that long. DS3 came into the living room and asked for a banana and I said yes. DS2 then pipes up "oh, oh, can I have a banana". he didnt actually want a banana it was just because somebody else had something.

It is the same with sweets/drinks et. If DS3 get a drink (even if just water) DS2 has to get one, if DS3 gets himself breakfast, DS2 has to then get himself the same.

It is pretty tiring, you wait for someone to ask for something and know that he will want it also.

Weegiemum Mon 09-Dec-13 13:02:55

I think that given the age gap and her desire to go along with you and dh, could you occasionally do things with just you, dh and her.

It's very important for parents to get time alone and she shouldn't be allowed to encroach on that, but some activities just for the "grown ups" (not parents) in the house might be good?

Orangeanddemons Mon 09-Dec-13 12:52:55

I have a dd like this, although she is only 7. It isn't about chocolates, coke, bananas or shoes.

It is about wanting attention and input. I don't know why my dd is like this, none of the others were. Despite every effort to put in boundaries she just doesn't understand. I love her to bits, more than my life, but sometimes feel swallowed up by her

sutekidane Mon 09-Dec-13 12:44:06

I think she sounds lonely generally and her being older than her siblings is making her feel left out and lonely at home too. It sounds to me like she asks all these things because she wants to join in. She doesn't quite fit with the younger ones but doesn't fit with you and your DH either so she's just kind of there.

Worried3 Mon 09-Dec-13 12:41:57

I think you are being unreasonable in some respects. You are not unreasonable to say "no" to her. That's one of the ways we set boundaries for our children and is not a bad thing to do, as long as all siblings are treated fairly.

I think the problem lies with your attitude towards your DD. You don't seem to like her very much at the minute. I know you think that she doesn't know you resent her, but it is quite possible that she picks up on it and this could explain her clinginess. Children are very perceptive. It's also possible that she's really shy and/or anxious. You say she's quite immature for her age, don't you think this might have a bearing on her behaviour? I think you should be focussing on how you can encourage her independence- not how best to go about "excluding" her from activities that you do with your other children. I have to admit, that phrase made me wince.

If you can't afford for her to do some activities, simply explain that to her. Or say she can come if she can pay for it herself. Don't say yes, then build up resentment towards her- you made the decision to say yes, after all.

Say no if she asks to come and you can't afford it, or think you should do something with the younger children or whatever the reason. Then arrange something to do with her (doesn't have to be expensive) so she does get some of your time alone too.

I also think you're being a bit harsh around her asking for food/drink etc. You say that if you say no, she doesn't moan or huff, and that she always asks politely. So I would say it is mostly your problem- if you don't want her to have something, then simply say "well, you've had your share of the coke, and I don't think you should have more" or something similar. Don't feel bad about it, as long as you are treating the others the same.

Others have suggested getting her her own supply, I think it might be easier to just say there is only x number of cans of coke/juice/packets of crisps etc per person, and once you've had your share, that's it. That way you aren't singling her out and all your children may learn something too.

I know I have been quite critical OP, I'm sure you love your children. I think you just need to be careful that you don't store up problems for your relationship with your DD in the future. I also wonder if there is a deeper worry here too- perhaps money's tight, problems with feeling DH doesn't back you up or something. Could be wrong, though.

wordfactory Mon 09-Dec-13 12:24:17

OP, it strikes me that this is more about you than your DD.

And I don't say that as a critisism. It seems to me that you feel swallowed up as if there's no space for you, your own things, your own space.

This is common for Mums. Everything about them is communal and it can wear you down. The issue with your chocolates highlights this. It's not that you care that much about them, it's just that they were a special gift for you. There is plenty of other stuff the family can have, communal stuff, but no, they had to have yours.

If this sounds familiar, then you need to work on carving out some space for yourself in your family. If I'm wrong, just ignore me grin.

Branleuse Mon 09-Dec-13 12:13:08

i think its just shes getting to the age when youre quite naturally getting pissed off with nearly adult kids being under your feet or demanding.

I dont think shes actually doing anything wrong, youre just finding her starting to be irritating, in the last bit before she leaves home.

GideonKipper Mon 09-Dec-13 12:07:00

I've just read perlona's post and strongly agree.

GideonKipper Mon 09-Dec-13 12:05:08

Yes we read that but I think that's a problem with the husband tbh. I also think he has the problem with boundaries if he's happy for dd to come along when you're supposed to be out together.

I do feel sorry for the girl. She should have her own social life at that age, maybe she could be gently encouraged to get in touch with those people she does get on with to arrange to meet up. And it wouldn't do any harm to turn her down in a gently knockabout way iyswim:

"No dd, you can't come to softplay. I'm not paying £7.50 for you to sit there on your phone, you can do that at home!". "Don't be daft, I'm not buying you new shoes. Your brother's trainers have got holes in, yours are fine." I treat my dc like this and they're all under ten.

You're obviously including her at the moment but seething inwardly.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 08-Dec-13 23:54:51

Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

perlona Sun 08-Dec-13 23:23:25

I'd be concerned about her lack of peer group, it's serious if she's desperate enough to hang out with you and her younger siblings at softplay. Teenagers need a lot of social interaction and your daughter doesn't have any friends to interact with. That's the problem.

I also find it odd that she feels the need to ask for a banana. Excepting treats and food you have for specific meals, surely if she is hungry should be able to go to get herself a banana or a sandwich? Asking is something a much younger child would do.

Now if somebody came in here with a box of chocolates I would ask for some, that's normal, it's chocolate, everybody loves chocolate and it can be very difficult to resist if it's in the same room. You're greedy not to share.

She needs more confidence and the ability to make her own decisions. Tell her to stop asking for food and help herself when she needs something (within reason for coke etc...). You could offer some money every week for her to go out with people her own age. Perhaps she is being invited places but can't go due to lack of funds and doesn't want to ask because you're the type who begrudges her a couple of chocolates. If you can afford it why not offer to pay for dance classes/yoga/anything to get her out of the house to meet new people, promote good health and make her feel good about herself?

Build her up before someone looking for weakness comes along to take advantage, her immaturity, lack of confidence and loneliness make her very vulnerable.

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