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To be getting irritated by my want it all dd?

(88 Posts)
Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:14:39

I need some outside persepective and feel like a bad mother so feel free to be harsh and put me back in my place.

Anything anybody has or is doing my dd wants a piece of the action but not in a rude way but it really grates on me for example:

Someone walks into the lounge with a can of coke - ooh coke please may I get a can of coke.
I was given chocolates as a gift, my dh asked if he could have one I said do I get to keep nothing in this place ok have one. I've gone to the box and four are gone, I said to dh why did you eat four and he said he had two and dd asked so he gave her two.
If I go out anywhere dd asks to come too even if its not something she'll enjoy she'd prefer to come along than be left out.

Because I feel bad about not wanting to always include dd due to the cost (she's an old teen so adult cost) or share items with dd, I've stopped doing stuff and purchasing items.

But this is making me begrudge her behaviour more.

If I decline her wants she isn't rude she just accepts it but then I feel guilty. If I don't invite her I then feel guilty.

This is more my issue than my dd's isn't it?

Would I BU if I was to exclude (or not include) dd sometimes?
Would I BU to decline her having something that someone else has sometimes?
Everyone else in the house shares everything with her. No one else in the house is like this, i.e. they don't ask if they see someone with something, they choose to come to things that they ony really really want to do.

ICameOnTheJitney Mon 09-Dec-13 13:20:15

My sisters DD is 21 and ALWAYS comes to everything with her. It irritates me tbh. Why does a 21 year old want to hang out with her old aunty and mum!? I wouldn;t mind sometimes of course but I never get to be with my sister alone...ever! I think it's quite common and due to a bit of spoiling.

livinginawinterwonderland Mon 09-Dec-13 13:23:45

*Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

Copying and pasting because people are missing this! Honestly, if you're too busy to read the entire thread (a whole three pages), then you're too busy to write a response.*

You're also missing that it's the OP's husband that took two and allowed the DD to take another two. Surely the husband needs to take the blame for that one?

HMOD Mon 09-Dec-13 13:38:25

Surely if her DD is an 'old teen' she should realise that scoffing a third of her mother's chocolate (given as a gift) is not on? IMO, husband and daughter are equally responsible.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Mon 09-Dec-13 13:42:38

I think your dh is the rude one tbh and your dd is copying him.
I tell mine no all the time, it stops them growing up spoilt and entitled. You need to say no and set boundaries and also say no to your dh.

cuddlymoomoo Mon 09-Dec-13 14:05:18

I'm with Remus - I thought she would be wanting an iphone and an xbox one and an ipad and everything else confused, not two chocolates and a banana.

Don't you just joke about stuff? Isn't that more normal? Chocolates - only 6? Right, one each or, bugger off, they're all mine would be the rule here. Drinks/snacks - write your names on the cans, the youngest gets that as his job (instead of the actual drinks - I'm cruel) and they just laugh about it. Soft play? Find a new one that doesn't charge adults.

I agree with the person who made the point about territory. She sounds fine - you sound a bit odd though.

livinginawinterwonderland Mon 09-Dec-13 14:18:08

Yeah, maybe she should have realised, but she's a teenager and just wanted the same as what her dad had, and her dad said she could have them. The husband is to blame re. the chocolates. OP said he could have one, not two and give another two away as well.

sutekidane Mon 09-Dec-13 14:21:47

I keep thinking about this thread and feeling sorry for the dd. She's floating along just living life without even realising her mum is silently resenting things she's doing every day. Poor girl.

happygirl87 Mon 09-Dec-13 15:43:58

In relation to coke or whatever, I can see that if you buy a 6 pack and [other DC number 1] has a coke on Monday and DD wants one too, then [other DC number 2] has one on Tues and DD wants one too, then DH has one on Wed and DD wants one too the she is getting more. I think with treats you need to make it clear that they should be shared.

But bigger picture, is DD anxious/lonely? It's bit unusual to want to come to soft play when you could be at home, playing loud music slamming doors and complaining that life is SOOOO unfair wink. Does she have friends? I think to avoid resenting her you need to decide (and confirm privately with DH) that x activities (e.g. going out with him on Tues, going to soft play on Sat etc) will be without her. Then when she asks to come, say that you want time with DH/can't afford it- she's old enough to understand that- and suggest she does something else instead whilst you are out.

Re the chocs, save them for your bath or similar and no-one else can have one!

ElenorRigby Mon 09-Dec-13 16:06:15

DSD kinda does this especially with DD.

Recent example: DD went to her schools Christmas fair. DD comes home with a gold coloured crown worth pennies. DSD then wants that crown and wears it all bloomin evening. There is no way DSD really wants it, she just wants what DD has. She does this a lot.

I can only put it down to insecurity and jealousy. Poor DSD has admitted to being jealous of DD.

ElenorRigby Mon 09-Dec-13 16:09:23

OP just read there are 6 years between your eldest and the next one.

There are 5 1/2 years between DSD and DD.

GideonKipper Mon 09-Dec-13 17:14:44

HMOD well if you had read the full thread you'd see I responded to that point in my post which followed straight on from that one hmm.

AbiRoad Mon 09-Dec-13 17:19:12

I agree with others that your examples are pretty trivial (even knowing there were only 6 chocolates) and I was also expecting a list of demands for phones and IPads etc. But maybe you just chose bad examples and there is a real point here. it sounds to me that (as others have said) the real point is that your DD is both lonely and insecure, and that is what you need to be addressing. I have a (younger) DD who suffers from the insecurity - she sometimes won't express a view until her sister does, or will change her mind as soon as her sister says what she wants. Sometimes it is because she genuinely cannot decide. others times, it is because she is not confident in her decision. She also copies her sister's ideas about hoemwork (they are twins) even if in fact her own original idea was better. It is something we are working on with her.

LucilleBluth Mon 09-Dec-13 18:46:14

I can kind of see where the OP is coming from. I have three DCs, but only DS1 can wind me up to the point where I feel dizzy with anger, I love him, I adore him, he's my pfb, he's smart, clever, talented, handsome but oh my god can he drive me mad in a way his brother and sister can't.

It doesn't mean I love him any less but it's a personality thing. DS1 wants everything DS2 has, coke being a prime example......I hardly ever buy fizzy drinks but when for some reason I do DS1 would drink them all by the end of the day, the world is against him. My way of dealing with him to for us to have our conflict then talk about it, he's 12 now and we talk a lot.

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