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To be getting irritated by my want it all dd?

(88 Posts)
Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:14:39

I need some outside persepective and feel like a bad mother so feel free to be harsh and put me back in my place.

Anything anybody has or is doing my dd wants a piece of the action but not in a rude way but it really grates on me for example:

Someone walks into the lounge with a can of coke - ooh coke please may I get a can of coke.
I was given chocolates as a gift, my dh asked if he could have one I said do I get to keep nothing in this place ok have one. I've gone to the box and four are gone, I said to dh why did you eat four and he said he had two and dd asked so he gave her two.
If I go out anywhere dd asks to come too even if its not something she'll enjoy she'd prefer to come along than be left out.

Because I feel bad about not wanting to always include dd due to the cost (she's an old teen so adult cost) or share items with dd, I've stopped doing stuff and purchasing items.

But this is making me begrudge her behaviour more.

If I decline her wants she isn't rude she just accepts it but then I feel guilty. If I don't invite her I then feel guilty.

This is more my issue than my dd's isn't it?

Would I BU if I was to exclude (or not include) dd sometimes?
Would I BU to decline her having something that someone else has sometimes?
Everyone else in the house shares everything with her. No one else in the house is like this, i.e. they don't ask if they see someone with something, they choose to come to things that they ony really really want to do.

coppertop Sun 08-Dec-13 19:17:25

It sounds as though she's copying your dh's behaviour. He asks for one of your chocolates, helps himself to two, and then decides to give two more away to dd.

paxtecum Sun 08-Dec-13 19:21:27

Is she at school or does she work?
Is she the eldest child?

You would not be at all unreasonable to refuse her things or exclude her from things. It would help her learn that she can't always have everything she wants, just by asking for it.

Does she have a Saturday job, or a paper round - so she could earn her own money, to buy all these things she's asking for - at the very least, if she is earning the money to buy these things, she might appreciate the cost and value of them.

DontCallMeDaughter Sun 08-Dec-13 19:24:18

It's fine to say no sometimes. She's not making you feel guilty, you're making you feel guilty!!

You say she doesn't mind if you say no, so you just have to decide which is easier to live with, giving her what she's asked for or the guilt you feel if you say no.

If someone was eating chocolates in front of me (your DH) then I'd want one too... Maybe that's not the best example...

Is she studying or working? If working, is she contributing to the household financially? If she's not working, is she contributing to the household with chores/responsibilities? Is this just about cost or is there more to it?

Workberk Sun 08-Dec-13 19:24:45

Well she sounds like she's doing nothing wrong. She's polite and interested in what you're doing. Compared to many teenagers you should be bloody delighted!

YABU. If you don't want her to do certain things, set boundaries and learn to say no. That's your job as a parent. I can't bear it when people say yes to something and then begrudge it.

SockPinchingMonster Sun 08-Dec-13 19:25:49

YABU and a bit mean to be honest. Poor girl obviously wants to spend time with you rather than be left alone, I think that's nice - my friend complains that her teenage daughter will never do anything or go anywhere with the family, just likes to sit in her room being miserable all the time, at least your dd isn't like that. She is polite when she asks for things and isn't rude when you say no - I don't see what your problem is to be honest :-/

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Dec-13 19:26:31

I think most of us with teenage girls go through this. "Oh a new mascara! I wish I had a new mascara." <sad face> "Can I borrow it?" The next time you see that mascara it's in her make up bag, bone dry.

One thing that strikes me in your case though OP is that your DD seems to like your company. She actually wants to go out with you! That's not too common in girls that age.

Does she work? Does she rely on you entirely for everything?

I don't know how you get round the chocolates. You had them as a gift and it would be nice just once to have something like that for yourself. She really shouldn't be asking for them and neither should your husband. You were given them, not them.

Workberk Sun 08-Dec-13 19:26:59

Just read this again - you seriously begrudge your daughter having a can of coke? That she asks for politely and gets herself?


clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:28:08

I think it's perfectly normal behaviour to desire a drink after seeing someone with a drink. Just like I wouldn't dream of getting a drink without offering one to everyone nearby.

youarewinning Sun 08-Dec-13 19:30:45

Sounds to me as if you were expecting as your dd got older (or your DCs if you have more) you'd claw back some more 'me' time but that isn't happening. That doesn't make you selfish but also doesn't make your dd grabby. Maybe buy your dd a 6 pack of coke when you shop or a bottle of coke that's hers and once gone it's gone - then she doesn't have to ask.

I do think yabu to expect to open chocolates and not share - I'd feel mean not sharing so would open them when alone to avoid it!

newmum001 Sun 08-Dec-13 19:34:29

You sound pretty selfish tbh, she wanted a chocolate and a can of coke she's not asking for much. I wouldn't dream of having a box of chocolates completely for myself weather they were a gift or not.

As for the wanting to go everywhere with you, we all like a bit of me time and if she was mithering relentlessly and sulking if you said no I'd maybe understand a touch of resentment but you said yourself she doesn't kick up a fuss. She sounds like a lovely girl and you're coming across as quite harsh!

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:36:10

She's studying 'A' levels, she doesn't want a Saturday job, but never asks for cash (even takes packed lunch rather than have money to buy lunch at college).

She is my eldest and I am lucky in that she wants to spend time with the whole family.

Ok the chocolates one is a bad example who's going to say no to chocolates? What I find annoying is that the larder is constantly stocked of goodies and this may seem really weird but dd never helps herself from the larder where as the others will go and look and say please may I have a coke (sticking to the coke example) and I will say yes. The minute dd sees someone with something for the larder she wants it. So now I find myself saying no to the first one as then that's two cans of coke that are going to be consumed (but dd ends up with 4:1 ratio of the cokes or whatever else is in the larder).

I'll go to the soft play for the little ones benefit and say I'm off to X and she'll ask if she can come to - well it would be unfair to say no but at the same time it's just cost me another £7.50 for her to come too. So now I find myself not going to the soft play rather than not taking her with me.

ShylaMcClaus Sun 08-Dec-13 19:37:13

grin at the new mascara. My DD is a young teen and what's mine is hers. I had the same attitude and once said to my mother, "well I don't see why you need nice make-up and new clothes when you already have a husband and a house and you're over forty anyway"

She had the patience of a saint blush

livinginawinterwonderland Sun 08-Dec-13 19:37:53


She wanted a can of coke 'cause she saw someone else get one, and wanted a chocolate when you opened a box (and let your DH have one, but didn't offer one to her), and she "wants it all".

Really? hmm

clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:38:01

Regarding the going out, I think it would be reasonable to say something along the lines of 'Actually, I'd rather do this on my own or spend some time with xxxx. But I'd love to spend time with you next weekend. You can choose how'. That way she chooses an activity she enjoys and you won't feel like money is wasted on an entrance fee to a place that bores her.

shewhowines Sun 08-Dec-13 19:38:29

Don't feel guilty for saying no sometimes. Then you'll feel better when you say yes!

On the coming out with you, you need to say no sometimes for the sake of your friends. I have a friend whose daughter is always there and sits with us, even when she could be doing other things. Sometimes it's extremely annoying as you have to watch what you say. My Dd is used to me saying "off you go, I don't hang around with your friends" - I don't say this all the time obvs but I think it is fair enough sometimes.

livinginawinterwonderland Sun 08-Dec-13 19:39:50

You can just say no or ask her to pay for herself. She's your child too - be grateful that she wants to come along and join in/play with her siblings.

clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:39:53

I'd send her to the soft play with the little ones by herself!

annielouisa Sun 08-Dec-13 19:39:56

How old is DD? I agree with those who say if I am getting drink in my house I would ask whoever was there if they wanted one. Chocolates get shared whover has been given a box so no-one needs to ask, as they are offered.

Does DD has friends and opportunities to go out with them? Is she stuck at home when you are out. I know it gets expensive when teens are seen as adults but they may only be 13 or 14 and still reliant on parents.

It does sound like your DD is very polite but maybe you would prefer a sullen, teen stuck in their room and refusing to engage with parents. I have had both types, the polite ones that engage and share what is happening in their lives are much easier in the end.

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:40:43

That's a good idea youarewinning maybe I could make it more treating her than anti her. And give her a shelf in the larder that can be hers.

She doesn't know I begrudge her, I'm just aware that this weekend I've made decisions not to do stuff as not wanting to say no to dd. But I suppose what I should be doing is doing things that I can afford for us all to do and see it as that being why not being her fault.

BoundandRebound Sun 08-Dec-13 19:41:21

They are clearly silly examples of the fact that the DD seems to have no independent thought and constantly wants what others have.

There is a lack of independence and personal space in this relationship. It sounds draining and if its constant im sure its demanding

I'd organise to do something with dd one day then something else with other people another making it clear that she should meet up with friends

Barefootgirl Sun 08-Dec-13 19:41:58

She sounds a bit anxious, actually. My DD is a bit like this, although she is much younger, and also suffers from anxiety. It almost sounds as if your DD wants to stay a child for that bit longer, and have the reassurance of being part of her family.

I like shewhowine's advice that you do some things specifically with her, but then encourage her to be a bit more independent when it comes to things like going to soft play.

OHforDUCKSchristmascake Sun 08-Dec-13 19:42:49

Its very simple.

All you need to do is forgive yourself.

Stop feeling bad for saying no.

clearsommespace Sun 08-Dec-13 19:44:00

OK, I see your point about the drinks if she's the only one drinking one everytime someone else has one. For something like that which is quite unhealthy, I think you need to set a limit. Eg you buy 2 cans a week for all the people in the house who like that drink and they can have 'theirs' when they want.

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