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to be fuming with DP over his behaviour

(131 Posts)
phasernon Sun 08-Dec-13 15:28:13

I’ve namechanged for this because it discusses a family members health.

Me and DP went over to my mums for dinner last night, we got on to talking about the pension age and my brother who is 16 said that he doubts he will have a pension at all by the time he gets old. DP then said that its no problem for him as he’ll have been put in his wooden box long before retirement age and that he is more likely to be worried about his funeral plan rather than his pension plan. About a year ago my brother was diagnosed as having a heart defect and he does have a high risk of having a heart attack so he is going to need to be careful for the rest of his life.

I am absolutely furious about this and so is my sister who was also there to the extent where she has uninvited him from Xmas this morning. DP doesn’t seem to see the issue, he says that he was just having some banter with him and that we can’t protect him from reality. I feel that it was a terrible thing to say and I am really angry at both the comment and his subsequent behaviour.

phasernon Sun 08-Dec-13 16:00:47

EirikurNoromaour No I don't think it was funny at all and I'm very cross about it.

crikeybill Sun 08-Dec-13 16:03:18

Please confirm wether he was referring to your brother being dead or himself.???

crikeybill Sun 08-Dec-13 16:05:43

X post sorry.

Ah it was aimed towards your brother then yes that was a bit wanky.

16 is as bit young for that sort of " banter ".

EllaFitzgerald Sun 08-Dec-13 16:13:03

It's only banter if both people involved appreciate the joke. I'd think a 16 yr old would be far too young to say something like that to and if he went quiet afterwards, then it obviously upset him.

It's not your DP's job to decide what constitutes 'protecting him from reality' and what he said was just plain cruel. He's been an unkind, arrogant prat and I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him either.

YouStayClassySanDiego Sun 08-Dec-13 16:20:14

Bohemian are you trying to be a goading arse on purpose this afternoon?

OP, it was an awful thing he said, I have a 16 year old ds and I'd imagine he'd be extremely hurt and upset if such a thing was said to him, your poor db. What a life changing situation it must be for him.

Your H is a twat and needs to apologise for that.

phasernon Sun 08-Dec-13 16:34:02

I've just tried to talk to him about it again but he is still unremorseful and says that he only meant in good fun and that we are being oversensitive.

YouStayClassySanDiego Sun 08-Dec-13 16:36:54

Will your sister stand firm about Christmas and him not being welcome, what will you do if this remains the case?

Your H should apologise profusely to your db to keep the peace otherwise this may snowball into a family rift.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sun 08-Dec-13 16:37:37

Is he always such a dick ?

weebarra Sun 08-Dec-13 16:37:46

phaser - you are not being oversensitive. Your DB is very young and facing an uncertain future. Not the sort of thing to banter about.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Dec-13 16:38:29

Are you sure he meant it about your brother?

If he was referring to himself, as far as I'm concerned, that is fine.

If he was talking about your brother dying early, whilst he was there as well, then that's not at all fine.

tinmug Sun 08-Dec-13 16:40:59

But if your brother was talking about what will happen when he reaches 70 then he clearly isn't thinking that he's going to die before then. So it's really not appropriate for your DH to be "joking" about him dying, in my opinion.

MadAsFish Sun 08-Dec-13 16:42:32

He's being a fuckwit, and an insensitive fuckwit as well. This whole 'can't you take a joke?/being too sensitive' bullshit is just cover for being a bully.
What an amazingly arsehole-like thing to say.

Helpyourself Sun 08-Dec-13 16:43:27

Tell your DH that he massively misjudged and to apologise abjectly to your brother and then call/ write/ text your mum and sister to say the same.
If he doesn't get it, explain his intentions are irrelevant, we all drop clangers sometimes, but in this case he got it wrong and needs to swallow his pride and clear the air ASAP.

Topseyt Sun 08-Dec-13 16:44:39

What an incredibly crass and insensitive thing for him to say to your brother!! I'd be furious too.

Is he always this much of an arse?

phasernon Sun 08-Dec-13 16:45:15

YouStayClassySanDiego- She is quite likely to as she is quite a determined character and she was protective of him prior to us finding out and is now doubly so. I feel like going without him to be honest.

YourHandInMyHand Sun 08-Dec-13 16:49:51

What a twat!! Poor lad is 16 and has just discovered he has this health problem and there is your bloke talking about him being in a coffin and needing to worry about his funeral plan - fucking hell!!! shock

I would be so disgusted and embarrassed in your shoes OP.

Topseyt Sun 08-Dec-13 16:50:54

I'd go without him if he refuses to apologise.

He says you can't protect your brother from reality. True, but there is no need to rub his (your brother's) and everyone else's nose in it by being such a twat.

I hope he climbs down from his high horse and eats dirt soon.

DejaVuAllOverAgain Sun 08-Dec-13 16:51:35

YANBU Your 'D'P is being an insensitive, nasty wanker.

DontmindifIdo Sun 08-Dec-13 16:51:43

Do you have DCs with your DP? If not, then definately go anyway and let him make his own Christmas morning plans. I'd be thinking if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was cruel to a child (which your DB still is) and once it was clear everyone else wasn't taking it as a joke, didn't think that he should apologise.

redexpat Sun 08-Dec-13 16:52:03

Well even if he did mean it in good fun, it wasn't taken that way, and he needs to apologise. Is he usually this thoughtless?

48th Sun 08-Dec-13 16:54:06

Yeah just horrid,he bullied a 16 year old who is still coming to terms with a serious medical condition and who clearly didn't want to consider his mortality round the table with everyone.

If your brother wished to banter on this issue it would probably be with peers who would follow his lead, your dp was cruel.

Ifcatshadthumbs Sun 08-Dec-13 16:57:21

He may have only meant it as banter but the fact he's not bothered by how much he has upset you, your sister and your brother is quite worrying.

Does he ever apologise when he's in the wrong out of curiosity?

phasernon Sun 08-Dec-13 16:59:51

redexpat- He does often say things that upset some people but this is the worst by far.

Preciousbane Sun 08-Dec-13 17:02:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtalljosie Sun 08-Dec-13 17:04:05

When you say DP what do you mean? Is there any pressing reason why you can't LTB immediately? Is he more important than your brother? I would argue not, in his instance. This is a choosing moment. Choose your family.

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