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AIBU?

To think dh isn't participating enough in our family?

52 replies

ALittleBitOfMagic · 08/12/2013 10:08

I don't just mean housework and practical stuff but that is a big part of it too . Mostly I mean spending time with us and doing "dad" and "husband" stuff . Here are a few examples .

We have chosen to bring out dcs up with religion so I take them to church every Sunday . He's usually at work . He is off today and has a chance to come to church with his family . He has chosen to stay in bed .

1yo ds is going through a "let's get up during the night and play" phase . Putting him in his pram gets him back to sleep but I'm trying to get him to go back to sleep in his cot so have been persevering all night with him . Last week I was up all night and had to get up at 6.45am to go and do a 9 hour shift (dh was off the next day). Two nights later dh said he was going to put him in his pram because he had work the next day . I said no .

That next day I came home at 6pm and dh had done the bare minimum (if even that) in the house , I had make ds his dinner (to be fair dh went out and got us a take away)

He works 56 hours a week and I work 21 (but half the time I do more due to training commitments) he thinks because he works so much that's his job done .

He does do the school run every morning but never gets up to help me with the dcs I do them both then he gets up sees to himself then takes dd to school . The only time he gets up before half 8 is when I am at work (this is around 8 school days a month)

So anyway I am now rushing around getting three of us ready for church and he is lying in his bed . Am I being unfair on him ? I always end up thinking I am so I just put up with it even though I am not happy

OP posts:

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ALittleBitOfMagic · 08/12/2013 10:11

I should also add he said he needed the lie in because he's going to have a tiring day putting the tree up today something we are doing today because we are both off together . If is known it was going to be such a chore for him id have done it myself with the dcs yesterday

Ps sorry for the novel!

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/12/2013 10:11

56 hours is alot in a week; I think I'd be tired on my days off too.

However I didn't decide to have kids.

Do you ever sit down and decide on what chores you will split/drop/get the kids to do so that you can both have some family time?

HankyScore · 08/12/2013 10:12

He works a nearly 60 hour week, AND does the school run, and you want him to get up on his day off and go to church?

I'm assuming he doesn't get up until 8.30 because he works late into the evenings?

I really do think you are being unfair, sorry,

DorrisM · 08/12/2013 10:17

DH works even longer hours than that, sometimes he has a lie in maybe once over the weekend. Overall he wants to be with us, I don't feel that being with us is a chore for him is that how you feel your DH sees it?

RedHelenB · 08/12/2013 10:18

Is he as bothered about Church as you are cos it doesn't seem that way from your post.

Morgause · 08/12/2013 10:20

I think YABU. I agree with Hanky

Jinty64 · 08/12/2013 10:21

He works a nearly 60 hour week, AND does the school run, and you want him to get up on his day off and go to church?

this

He also looks after the dc's whilst you work. If my dh did half of that I would be a very happy woman! I'm afraid I think YABU.

DamnBamboo · 08/12/2013 10:21

I was going to come on here with tea and sympathy as this doesn't sound too dissimilar to my situation - although I have less of an issue with it.

But he works 2.5 times more hours than you. More than 30 hours more per week!

You need to sit back, take stock and rethink as you sound a bit spoilt.

If you want to go to to church, go to church!

verytellytubby · 08/12/2013 10:22

Sounds like he deserves his lie in. He works long hours.

nowwhere · 08/12/2013 10:23

It sounds to me, from your comment about the tree, that you are just really hurt because you don't feel he make you and the kids a prpriority for his time. And, if you feelthat way, whether you are being uunreasonable or not you probably need to sit down and talk to him about it rather than just trying to persuade yourself to let it go when instead it will fester.

I also have a busy DP - long commute and working 6 days a week plus studying for a masters. Sometimes this gets me down too but Sunday mornings are my lie in (a bit too long today so also skiving church...) and Sunday afternoons are our family time. I'd still like to see more of him but the compromise has helped. Do discuss it.

Ragwort · 08/12/2013 10:23

I think if you have agreed to bring your child up with a faith then yes, he should get up to go to Church with you.

Did he work late last night? Does he stay up late watching tv/playing on the computer that sort of thing?

I agree working 56 hours a week is a lot, but I think he should be able to manage his time better so that he doesn't need a lie in on a Sunday morning. If you are getting ready to go to Church at 10am then it can't be a really early service can it? Perhaps you are going to the same Church that I go to? .

PumpkinPositive · 08/12/2013 10:24

1yo ds is going through a "let's get up during the night and play" phase . Putting him in his pram gets him back to sleep but I'm trying to get him to go back to sleep in his cot so have been persevering all night with him .

Er, why? Sounds like madness if you have to work the next day.

NoAddedSuga · 08/12/2013 10:27

On the church issue, you are not being fair. I personally dont like going to church, i only have to stand in a church and i start to cry.

He does work a hell of alot of hours. He should not just decide to put ds in a pram as its quicker for him to get back to bed if thats a habit that you are really trying to break. You are suppose to work together.

Alot of men/fathers feel that if they earn the money or most of it, and work long hours, then its the womans job to do everything with the kids and at home. I have one of those husbands who thinks like that.

DamnBamboo · 08/12/2013 10:28

OP, if you didn't take your kids to church - would what your DP do?
I mean I'm asking because the fact that he has agreed that your child can be brought up with faith, doesn't tell me that he has the same faith himself or that he expects to have to participate in this.

I have many friends whose dads weren't religious at all and but whose mothers were, and so the christian aspect of their lives was managed by mum with dad being largely uninvolved, but ok with it (if that makes sense).

Does he want them to be Christian or just agree with you because you want them to be?

ALittleBitOfMagic · 08/12/2013 10:32

Church is at 11 . I am happy to get up with the dcs and let him lie longer but id really like him to get up and come with us .

The thing is - I appreciate that he works a lot and I know it must be hard for him doing those long hours . (He works 12-10 or 10-10 5 days a week) but I work shifts and I can start at early as 8am and finish as late as 10pm and when I am not at work I'm at home with the dcs myself responsible for EVERYTHING . And it just gets really overwhelming at times and I feel that he doesn't understand this he only sees how hard it is for himself . I just feel completely alone sometimes

And yes he finished at 10 last night then sat up watching tv and fell asleep on the couch . I woke him at about 2 to come to bed but he didn't come in til about 6 .

OP posts:

Casmama · 08/12/2013 10:33

I agree with Pumkin, pick your battles- if dc goes back to sleep in the pram then put them in the pram. There is no need to be a martyr about it and laying down the law to your dh is a bit rude.

I get that you do more house work and have to get the kids ready every morning but the difference in your working hours surely makes that fair?

If the issue is actually that you don't feel he wants to be involved and find that hurtful then that is understandable but you need to identify that as the issue and address that.

happytalk13 · 08/12/2013 10:33

Can I just ask...whilst he works who looks after the family's needs?

ALittleBitOfMagic · 08/12/2013 10:35

Damn he definitely wants them to be brought up within the religion . He just wants me to do the heavy lifting . He would be ok with me missing church today because he is off but if he was at work he would expect me to take them and if I got into the habit of missing it he would moan about it . I don't think he'd proper have a go at me but he would definitely have something to say about it .

OP posts:

Casmama · 08/12/2013 10:35

You sound lonely OP. It also sounds that you don't feel emotionally supported by your dh.

OddFodd · 08/12/2013 10:36

YANBU. Working long hours doesn't mean that you get to sit on your arse the moment you get through the door. When do you get any down time?

happytalk13 · 08/12/2013 10:37

So hang on...when he is at home this is seen as his time off but when you are at home you don't get any time off?

loveolives · 08/12/2013 10:41

He works a nearly 60 hour week, AND does the school run, and you want him to get up on his day off and go to church?

This, leave him alone.

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DogandBeth · 08/12/2013 10:42

Op yanbu, my dh is similar although he works 37.5 hours a week which you'd think was the most anyone has ever worked in history! I have just finished work due to redundancy so not working at all at the moment but used to work 24 hours a week and it was pretty much the same then too. What hurts me too is that the dcs and I don't seem to be the priority, in our case we have a dc with quite severe autism and I do feel like all the responsibility of this falls to me because he hides behind the excuse of having to work and doesn't really get involved with any of the hard stuff associated with this. Anyway this is your thread not mine just wanted to say I think I know where you're coming from, I understand the loneliness of your situation I think.

DameFanny · 08/12/2013 10:43

From your last post I agree it sounds like he's decided how the kids should be brought up, but is expecting you to do it on your own.

Can you sit down and talk this through with him? Ask him things like - why don't you cook more, help around the house etc - because if he was on his own he'd have to, and just because you're there, looking after his kids, doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

And then go on to the difficult one of "it feels as if you don't want to spend time with us" and see what he says.

Failing that, as he's decided not to be too involved, you might as well be organising life in the way that suits you and your hours best, and if he complains, well, he had a choice to sort things out himself. But treating you like staff - which is what the church thing is - is never acceptable.

WooWooOwl · 08/12/2013 10:57

I think this is a really common problem in marriages when one partner works outside the home significantly more than the other. 56 hours a week is a lot of work, and presumably the money he earns is for the family, so I don't think it's fair to him to say he doesn't contribute to family life. You need his wage!

DH and I have a make friend who is recently divorced, he is a lovely guy who adored his wife and loves his children immensely, but he says his wife felt the same as you are describing. He genuinely doesn't understand why she can't see how much he loved her and how much he contributed because in his mind, he was working hard to give his family nice things and pay off the mortgage so that they had security. In his mind, that should send the message loud and clear that his family means the world to him, but in her mind, the fact that he was working all the time and was then exhausted on his days off meant that he wasn't interested in spending time with them. It's really sad, because the problem was really about communication and them not understanding the different ways in which they show their love for one another.

Maybe you both need a reminder of how much the other does for the family and to take some time to appreciate that in each other. Even if each of you is doing things differently to how the other would do it, the contribution is still valuable and worth holding on to.

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