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To have left this party early? (Long, sorry!)

(77 Posts)
BinkieWoo Sat 07-Dec-13 22:50:49

We went to a family party tonight that SIL had organised which was held at her house. When we were first invited it was addressed to the whole family so me, dh, DSS and dd. DSS is 7 and dd is 9 months. The invite said the party started at 6 so we asked if we could bring a travel cot to put dd in as she normally struggles with staying awake past 6:30ish. SIL said yes of course and she thought it was a good idea as it'd mean we could stay later. She has a DS who is 1.5 so would also be putting him to bed early.

Fast forward to yesterday when I got a text to say that the party had been moved to 7:30. I said that it may be an issue with dd's sleep as there's no way she'd stay awake until then especially as we have to drive there - she'd fall asleep on the way there and would be a nightmare. I then said "oh but as long as we're still ok to bring the travel cot I may be able to settle her as soon as we get there". SIL then said "oh I thought I told you, we've decided there's no room for a travel cot, sorry." I then said that it'd probably be best if I didn't bring dd then and stayed at home with her but that dh and DSS would still go. SIL asked if we could get a babysitter - we couldn't as MiL wasn't free and everyone else we trust would be at the party. She then said that she thought DSS would find the party boring so why couldn't dh stay at home with both kids and I come on my own? I said that I wouldn't be comfortable with that as dd is teething pretty badly and has had some horrible nights recently where she won't settle for anyone but me. I know this sounds really precious and pfb but as DSS doesn't live with us we are not happy about getting a babysitter when he's with us. I said I was sorry but it didn't look like it'd work so I'd drop a card/pressie round during the day and I hoped the party would go well.

Anyway, SIL got all upset and said she really wanted us all there so why didn't we go at 6 and see them and then the party would start properly at 7ish. I said yes as I felt that she was really trying to accommodate us at that point but I made it clear that if dd was struggling then we'd have to leave. Dd is normally great at settling herself to sleep as long as she's in a quiet dark room, in a bed. If there's anything going on in the same room, she's a nightmare!

I also asked if we should feed DSS before we got there and was told definitely no, there would be buffet food and they didn't want DSS to spoil his appetite. Anyway to cut a long story short, dd suddenly found some stamina from somewhere cos she was still fine by 7:30, and all the guests had arrived at 6 so I guess the start time was changed for everyone. But DSS was really hungry - he hasn't eaten since lunch. The food was out on a table under some cling film, so dh sent DSS to ask SIL if he could have some food. He was really polite but SIL said no - he'd have to wait. DSS came back and was quite upset but we were sure he wouldn't have to wait long. At 8pm dh went and asked and was told yes but in a few minutes. My db was also asking SIL if DSS could have some food but was also told no. It got to 8:30 and we decided that DSS couldn't wait any longer so we went home. We got DSS some food after we got back and then he went straight to bed.

I know this is really petty but we then got a snotty text from SIL asking why we'd gone so early and that if something was wrong then why didn't we say something at the time? I replied saying that DSS was really hungry and we didn't want him to get upset and ruin the party and that we thought it was best to get him fed as soon as we could. It just feels like SIL didn't want him there and was trying to make the point that it was an adults' party therefore the food doesn't get served until much later. But if that was the case then why tell us not to feed him beforehand? My dad stayed at the party and said the food was finally opened at just after 9 so was IBU to go and also to be honest about why we left?

RenterNomad Sat 28-Dec-13 13:59:43

Sadly, it seems she did know, or did suspect.

Keep your distance for a while, BinkieWoo, and certainly don't host them at your house; it's a lot easier to preaerve quarantine without massive social fsllout, when it's you declining, rather than uninviting someone! shock

Joysmum Sat 28-Dec-13 10:49:16

Now she knows for sure what it is she's saying to keep your children in isolation away from others. Had she known for certain what it was and had you round anyway then she'd be a cheeky cow.

RenterNomad Sat 28-Dec-13 10:24:37

Hmmm, maybe you're going to have to communicate differently with her in future over arrangements like this, for example not ringing to get an update, because you risk getting her rather than your DB, and she can lie to you; instead, do a one-way communication, best by Facebook, since that's public, saying you're staying away to avoid your DCs' getting ill.
This isn't a go at you: you say she has "no form" for this sort of behaviour, so it's taken a while for you to adapt. Sadly, it seems as though you will now have to treat her as a flake. Happy Christmas, eh? fsad

QuintessentialShadows Fri 27-Dec-13 13:18:07

In my experience people always downplay their children s illness and explain it away with over excitement, overheating, too much tv, etc.

We went for a supper yesterday, and midway through the meal their 15 year old daughter resurfaced from her room, joined us at the table, ate some, and went back to her room. Just before leaving hosts let slip that she developed a tummy bug on the 24th and were still poorly cooped up in her room. angry I am queasy today.

Our friends also did not want to cancel....

It is shitty. But, in your case, with such young children, I think you need to develop a rule, any sign of temperature, stay away if you are not prepared to get ill.

Our sons were ill the week before Christmas, we had guests for dinner, with a newborn. I rang them to tell them our children had a temperature, with sore throat. Either a cold or something more. They chose to come, fair dos to them. They said their dd was not 100%, their baby had a snotty nose, and she did not want to wrap them in cotton wool. My sons are 11 and 8, they dont mouth things, and know to sneeze into paper and wash their hands, and were also told not to handle the baby. I did not want to uninivite them, but told them what the situation was so they could make an informed choice. Many people dont though.

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:10:00

Oh and she's also advised us to keep dd isolated in case we pass it on...cheeky mare! angry

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:07:08

Her initial answer was "oh but you send dd to nursery and they always get hand, foot and mouth at places like that so I didn't think it was an issue" confused

My answer was "yes but our nursery always lets us know if there's something going about so that we have the choice of whether to send them or not"

To be fair, the nursery did have a case of HFM but it was so well-controlled that out of 35 children, only 1 had it but obviously they have to let everyone know in order for parents to be on the lookout.

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:03:44

I did ask her raz and she said it started on Xmas day and it was obvious on Boxing Day that he was still poorly but she didn't want people to cancel on her so dosed him up and pretended it was overheating sad

razmataz Fri 27-Dec-13 12:47:44

Did she lie to you? I am presuming she went to the Drs this morning so would have been no wiser than you yesterday as to what the problem was and probably did believe it was just over excitement?

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 12:36:14

Quint we were told that the temperature was down to him overheating due to cramped house/excitement etc on Xmas day. DB used to do this as a child so I (stupidly) assumed that DN was following in his footsteps.

Grrrr...I am so stupid! sad

onedev Fri 27-Dec-13 12:30:24

Agreed Binkie - you were an idiot to go! Sorry! Not much you can do about it now though so just chalk it up to experience & you'll know for the future. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your children don't get ill.

I do think its worth a conversation with your DB in the New Year as given what you've said about how she didn't used to be like this & what's going on with their DS, it could be that she's struggling to cope but he's not aware.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Fri 27-Dec-13 12:24:58

On glue, then.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 27-Dec-13 12:23:36

I am sorry, but yes, you chose to go knowing their child was ill.

Not sure why you went even if the child had not been sick, knowing the back story.

BinkieWoo Fri 27-Dec-13 12:18:54

Another update - this time feel free to tell me what a stupid idiot I've been sad

Rang DB but DSIL answered his phone...said I'd seen the FB status about DN being ill and was told "oh no, it's not that bad but I'll update you in the morning". Next day she said that he no longer had a temperature and seemed loads brighter. Excellent, we thought, it was obviously just a 24-hr thing.

We all went round and DN was asleep, we had a lovely time with dd playing with her new Xmas toys as well as some of DN's as well as they were laying on the floor near her. Then DN woke up and joined in, seemed tired but ok, both kids were playing nicely, all the toys were going into both their mouths etc as expected but I didn't think anything of it. DH then picked DN up and started carrying him round and I noticed he had a rash on his legs, I asked SIL and was told it was eczema. We all had food (woo hoo!) and all was still good.

An hour later, DN was hot, floppy and inconsolable. Turns out the calpol that SIL had been feeding him had run its course and the symptoms were no longer being masked. We made our excuses and left, feeling pretty annoyed that he obviously is ill and we'd been lied to.

This morning we got a text from SIL to say that DN has hand, foot and mouth and that she got no sleep last night and if any of us get it then the doctor's advice is paracetamol and ibuprofen alternated. I am fucking fuming! Not only has she lied to us, she has knowingly put dd and DSS at risk of this when both are low from illness anyway! And (just a small point) there was no apology whatsoever.

I realise having an ill child is never fun and I do feel sorry for her for having a rough night but I'd never deliberately put others at risk! I've looked up the incubation and illness periods and if dd gets it then it'll be at it's worst just as I'm starting back at work for the new term and we have no-one to look after dd if she cannot go to nursery.


onedev Thu 26-Dec-13 09:15:10

I'd simply not go (be honest to a point & say you saw the FB status & don't want to risk your DD getting ill again) & talk to your DB in the New Year about what's been going on. Enjoy your Boxing Day.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 26-Dec-13 08:51:25

Being charitable, it looks like she's in the throes of a breakdown, and covering it (badly) by denial, over-controlling and punishing the OP for having the temerity to bring forth an NT child.

Or on glue.

Head tilting kindness would be the best bet for either scenario.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 26-Dec-13 08:46:35

This is the second time she is trying to uninvite you. The last time she did not succeed and you see how that went. She tried to put you off coming by saying the party started after your des bedtime having changed the starting time just for you.

Not sure what she is playing at now. But in your shoes I would take the hint and make my excuses. I would FBI k she is banking on you not wanting to risk exposure to illness, seems like hours are the only young kids in the family?

Why do you keep contacting her rather than your brother?

mikulkin Thu 26-Dec-13 08:15:36

BinkieWoo, you sound very lovely and reasonable! Can I just say that I wish my DS had a DSM like you!

HansieMom Thu 26-Dec-13 00:37:38

At this moment in time, I would not trust her. Does she want your children to get sick?

BinkieWoo Thu 26-Dec-13 00:22:27

Thanks for your responses, they are along the lines of what I was thinking so hopefully I'm not as mean as I thought?!

I just don't want dd to get poorly again and feel annoyed that I made such an effort to keep her isolated and not spread it yet SIL thinks it's ok to spread whatever DNephew has.

I've just logged onto Facebook and there's a status from her saying he's poorly so at least I can refer to that when I contact her rather than potentially dropping another family member in it.

Like I said in my previous posts, she is so lovely normally but just recently has been acting weirdly when hosting us at hers. We were together at the weekend and had a great time, I just don't understand how things have started to go from so good to so weird. She's the one who keeps inviting us round which is confusing as it's like she's choosing to put herself into a situation which she is finding difficult to deal with and enjoy sad

friday16 Thu 26-Dec-13 00:19:25

they want us to go after lunch and they know that dd will want to go to bed before 7 and they are planning to serve food after that so they'll end up not catering for us

Don't go. She's being a controlling arse about food again. If you invite children, you feed them appropriately. There's no possible situation where lunch until gone 7 without food is acceptable when there are small children around.

ChasedByBees Thu 26-Dec-13 00:12:36

I'd make excuses. If she's texted everyone but you she doesn't want you to know so I wouldn't trust her to be honest on the phone. Leaving when you arrive (if he's ill) is far more awkward than not bein there in the first place. And frankly, it doesn't sound like she's going to be a good host!

Scrounger Wed 25-Dec-13 23:48:15

I think petalstars idea is a good one (but what is it with food with your SIL? When I invite people round I make sure the children are all fed, happy children means more relaxed parents. I have something for the kids to eat earlier if needed.)

Failing that make up a story that one of your children is ill - D&V always means that everyone is glad you don't attend.

Ifcatshadthumbs Wed 25-Dec-13 23:22:18

I'd make my excuses not to go.

petalsandstars Wed 25-Dec-13 23:07:36

Ring your DB (not SIL) and say (insert appropriate relative) has said DS is ill, how is he? Then depending on his response either- DD is still recovering from the bug she had a few days ago so we'll not risk her catching it. Very sorry, kids eh? See you in the new year. Or ok - no illness we'll bring bits for the kids when we pop over - (but be prepared to leave early if you see je is actually ill)

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