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To think that it's ok to want to bring up your children and to be a mother, just as it's ok to go out to work instead?

(432 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

bronya Thu 05-Dec-13 17:22:14

I was brought up to 'have a career' and to think about work not babies. I admit I'd be bored doing nothing, and love the tutoring that I do - but I have no wish at ALL to be the main wage earner and leave the childcare to someone else. When my DS was born, it felt like I was complete. I'm happier, have more self esteem and confidence than I've ever had. I've met many other mums who feel similarly. Surely, our choice is just as valid as those who are WOHM? The point of feminism was that we should have that choice - whichever one we choose is our decision, surely?

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Thu 05-Dec-13 17:47:47

My childminder does not "raise" my toddler, nor the primary school my older child. Dh and I do that thank you.
It's great when it's all about choice isn't it - not the case for many many women around the world, either those who cannot afford other than to woth, or those who are not given the option to work.
What about men, do they get the same choices in your book OP?

MistressDeeCee Thu 05-Dec-13 17:49:08

I agree with jammiedonut.

& yes, there's way too much judging re. Stay At Home/Working Mothers on Mumsnet, so its no wonder posts like this come along from time to time. I've seen a*'as long as you're not on benefits'* comment upthread. So what if someone's on benefits? You don't know their story, how much tax they've paid in their life, how much taxes they'll pay in the future. Have we really reached the point where we look down our noses on a woman claiming benefits? & SAHM aren't automatically on benefits anyway, the 2 don't automatically go hand in hand. So what's the relevance & why even mention it?
Working class snobbery really is the worst kind of snobbery.

Its a mother's choice whether she goes out to work, or stays home. We each have different life necessities, wishes, needs. As women we should not be judging each other either so its a non-debate, anyway. Each to their own.

Lj8893 Thu 05-Dec-13 17:49:21

And also, its not always about choice OP! Many women would love to be sahms but can't afford it so have to go out and work. Again, doesn't make them any less of a mother!!

mistermakersgloopyglue Thu 05-Dec-13 17:49:22

It's fine! It was all I ever wanted to do from quite an early age. However the reality of being a SAHM (and only on maternity leave) rather rapidly changed my mind! grin

DirtyDancingCleanLiving Thu 05-Dec-13 17:50:10

What's your point op?

Yes, it's your choice. There. That's your sole op question answered.

Are you really expecting any different? confused

monicalewinski Thu 05-Dec-13 17:52:15

Your title's shit btw!

If you want to be a SAHM, fine.
If you want to be a working mum, fine.

There are a tiny minority of wankers who think that all SAHMs are lazy, there are a tiny minority of wankers that think all working mothers are palming off their children and failing them.

The majority of people make their life choices based on their own circumstances, feelings and beliefs.

They are both valid choices.

FloweryTaleofNewYork Thu 05-Dec-13 17:52:45

It's not an either/or situation.

If you are financially in a position to choose to stay at home, of course your choice is valid.

I don't know anyone who would presume to comment on my choices in RL tbh. Whoever it is doesn't sound very supportive.

janey68 Thu 05-Dec-13 17:54:22

Ok well fair play to you OP for realising in retrospect that your title isn't accurate.

I must say I don't agree with your assertion that its all about the woman's choice either. It's a decision for a couple to make together. It may work brilliantly for some couples for mum to give up her career and for dad to be sole earner- but there are many others who each want more of an equal balance of work and home life, and indeed others who opt for a SAHD and sole earner mum. There is no 'right' way- but it's definitely something to be worked out between the parents so that both are happy.

shrunkenhead Thu 05-Dec-13 17:54:40

But if you're not there, who is raising your children, It's beginning???! Not nice to hear I know but you have to accept this is the case.

Tailtwister Thu 05-Dec-13 17:55:46

Good for you. I work and I'm a mother, I don't stop being a mother simply because I work.

When you talk about having a choice just remember that a lot of women don't have a choice. They have to work out of necessity. You are lucky have a choice which many don't have.

Tailtwister Thu 05-Dec-13 17:57:29

Do you stop raising your children once they start school shrunkenhead? What do SAHM's do differently from WOHM's during school hours?

FloweryTaleofNewYork Thu 05-Dec-13 17:59:04

"But if you're not there, who is raising your children, It's beginning???! Not nice to hear I know but you have to accept this is the case."

No it really isn't. It's not necessary to be present 24 hours a day to raise children. DS1's school isn't raising him, and DS2's nursery isn't raising him, DH and I are.

Lj8893 Thu 05-Dec-13 17:59:08

Shrunkenhead, its people like you that women like myself who have to work (I'm currently on ML but will have to work when that finishes) feel guilty for no reason.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Thu 05-Dec-13 17:59:12

how long before we see AIBU....To think that it's ok to want to bring up your children and to be a father, just as it's ok to go out to work instead?

BrianTheMole Thu 05-Dec-13 18:00:57

I don't think staying at home is any less valid as a choice as long as you're not claiming benefits to do that. Btw, I am still a mother, even though I work to support my family.

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 05-Dec-13 18:01:46

But if you're not there, who is raising your children

When I worked and my DD went to nursery two days a week, they were taking care of her, as in meeting her basic, fundamental needs (feeding, settling to sleep, entertaining, changing, etc). They were not raising her.

I raised my children - the nursery provided some care while I worked.

Stop stirring and talking rubbish Shrunkenhead - apt name, because it sounds like your brain is rather tiny!

Snog Thu 05-Dec-13 18:04:00

I think financial independence is very important and feel uncomfortable about women being financially dependent on others but at the end of the day live and let live.

janey68 Thu 05-Dec-13 18:04:25

Some of us believe raising children is about instilling values, and influencing them in a way which is intrinsic to being their parents. It's about far more than the day to day activities and tasks. That's why we are still raising our children even if we're not with them 24/7.
My own mother was a SAHM and my father worked, but id never consider that I was raised by my mother and not by both parents! I don't consider that I was raised by my school teachers either!

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Thu 05-Dec-13 18:10:26

shrunken by your logic, a teacher is raising 30 children. aren't they doing well.

otterface Thu 05-Dec-13 18:11:52

shrunkenhead, are you going to homeschool?

If not, do you feel sad that you'll no longer be raising your children when they go off to school and spend whole big chunks of their days without you, being raised by their teachers? sad sad And when they're a little older, don't let them take up sports or music after school! Because then you might not see them for seven or eight hours at a time, and then you'll surely have to accept that they're being raised by a random collection of teachers and coaches.

Because we all have to accept that "raising" a child certainly does NOT mean being the person(s) who is responsible for feeding them, clothing them, instilling values in them, planning for their future, deciding what food they should eat, deciding what's appropriate entertainment, what's appropriate discipline, advocating for their rights and needs, making health/school/life decisions for them, and making every major decision of your own life (including, if it's your decision at all, whether or not each parent should go out to work or stay at home) with the child's best interest at heart.

No, we'll just accept that what raising a child really means, is being the person who happens to spend the most consecutive hours with them on any given day. In which case, after you wave your last little darling off to school, I hope you can find a nice hobby to fill in the time when you used to be their mom hmm

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 05-Dec-13 18:13:33

Preschool isn't raising my 3 yo. It is educating her, looking after her, not raising her. I consider my choice to put her in the best preschool I could find, that complimented the other things in her life, raising her. You know, making parental choices.

otterface Thu 05-Dec-13 18:14:00

x post with several who put it much more succinctly than I managed to grin

NewtRipley Thu 05-Dec-13 18:14:37


I've reported the thread to MNHQ and said you wanted to change the title, so hopefully they'll arrange that with you.

motherinferior Thu 05-Dec-13 18:25:40

It takes a village to raise a child anyway grinand I like it that way

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 05-Dec-13 18:25:46

I don't judge anyone for staying at home with children or for working. But I think that the feminism is about choice argument is very simplistic. The choices we make in any area of our lives are rarely entirely free, and particularly with regards to childcare and division of labour are strongly influenced by how society is structured and the still existing norms about men and women.

Also, the feminism is about choice argument ignores fathers. What about their choice to stay at home or go put to work? What about their choice to not have sole responsibility for bringing in the money or raising the children?

So if you (meaning the general you and not the specific op) made your choice without preference to your partners preferences that doesn't seem very fair does it? And if your partner agreed with the decision you came to, but that was informed either by your respective views of the roles of men and women or by any workplace advantage he had gained by being a man then that isn't particularly feminist, is it?

By advantage I dont mean anything direct, but perhaps subconcious preferrment or by chosing a more masculine and high paid career when the woman chose something more feminine and less well paid.

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