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To think that it's ok to want to bring up your children and to be a mother, just as it's ok to go out to work instead?

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

bronya Thu 05-Dec-13 17:22:14

I was brought up to 'have a career' and to think about work not babies. I admit I'd be bored doing nothing, and love the tutoring that I do - but I have no wish at ALL to be the main wage earner and leave the childcare to someone else. When my DS was born, it felt like I was complete. I'm happier, have more self esteem and confidence than I've ever had. I've met many other mums who feel similarly. Surely, our choice is just as valid as those who are WOHM? The point of feminism was that we should have that choice - whichever one we choose is our decision, surely?

Grennie Fri 06-Dec-13 12:49:39

Of course you can stay at home and look after your children. But feminism is also about understanding that we don't make choices in a vacuum. So there are societal reasons that it tends to be women who stay at home, rather than men, such as societies attitudes, and the fact that women are usually paid less than men.

Lj8893 Fri 06-Dec-13 12:51:46

So shrunkenhead by what your saying, do you mean that it makes someone less of a mother/father because they choose (or find it necessary) to go out to work?

Retropear Fri 06-Dec-13 13:35:22

Unfortunate title but I get the sentiments.

That said I do think after having their child inside them for 9 months many women want to be with their children perhaps more than men.Many can't and I think that is sad and a choice taken away.

To the poster who said she didn't want to fund choices other parents make well that rather heartless thought can go both ways.

If we're not going to help sahp then fund your own childcare.Plan,save,have the family you can afford(things many sahp do in order to be a sahp) and stop bleating about the temporary cost of childcare.

Either way what ever we choose they're our children and they will cost,we all know that before we have them.Perhaps a bit of empathy both ways wouldn't go amiss.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 06-Dec-13 13:37:56


Would you like us to change the title for you? Do please let us know by hitting the 'report' button on this post or emailing us at


SunshineMMum Fri 06-Dec-13 13:57:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chunderella Fri 06-Dec-13 16:48:45

So does my DD just not have a parent for the day she's with my DF then shrunken? A one day a week orphan? and you've not enlightened me on the school issue yet...

handcream Fri 06-Dec-13 18:18:48

I think its because SAHM's often complain about not being 'supported' by the government, not given tax breaks on their OH's income etc etc.

I have always worked full time and chucked money at childcare, consequently I can afford choices, nice house, holidays, private school. However the children are our priority. We always try and ensure that one of us attends parents evenings or other events. Occasionally we cannot make it. That is the price we pay. I have a colleague who wants to work part time. She has been refused. Our roles dont lend themselves to part time working. She is miffed. TBH - that's life. Our roles arent suitable for p/t, there are plenty of roles that can be done part time but they dont pay enough. The fact is that you cannot have everything.

Of course everyone would like a non stressfull job, £50k a year with time off for any family emergencies and all school hols off.

Let us know where these roles are....

MistressDeeCee Sat 07-Dec-13 07:38:17

I have ot vaguely wonder what the actual point of threads such as this are. This subject has been flogged to death. All that happens is people relate their own experiences....back and forth, back and forth..and there will be no conclusion.

Honestly, the myriad ways in which women find to judge each other bemuse me at times. Never mind sexism, we are our own worst & harsh enemy at times. Working outside home or stay at home mum - both exist in this society. Its nothing new at all, both stances are fine its each to their own, people know what suits them best why can it not just be left at that? I suppose it could be discussed ad infinitum if there's a precedence for this but I find it odd, to say the least.

MamaBear17 Sat 07-Dec-13 08:46:03

I work and I bring up my daughter. I have no choice. I wish had more of a balance, I wouldn't want to give up work completely, but would love to work part time. I am the main earner though. Four years ago dh had a bit of a break down due to his high pressured, well paid job. So left and retrainedin a lower paid job. He is happier which is lovely, but I have the pressure of being the main earner. It's crap, but a sacrifice I made for our marriage and his health. I am a little envious of mums who stay at home but don't judge them. I feel like I do everything I did when I was at home on mat leave, just work as well. I feel constantly knackered and guilty.

Vampyreof Sat 07-Dec-13 08:52:10

My DP and I work opposite shifts as our wages aren't enough to pay for childcare tbh. I would stay at home if I could though - my parents both worked full time when I was little so my 'guardian' was a very important person re my upbringing!

janey68 Sat 07-Dec-13 09:06:36

Agree mistressdeecee

I suppose you have to ask why the OP started the thread? And disappeared fairly soon after? I notice she hasn't been back to change her inflammatory title either!

thenamestheyareachanging Sat 07-Dec-13 11:41:29

Oh, gosh - the defensiveness! If we're comfortable with our choices then we wouldn't have to get so wound up over a title, would we?

Can see that the "going out to work instead of bringing up children" is unfortunate wording though.

I'm a SAHP - but have worked in the past. I do use the term "full time mum" - because I'm doing that work full time. When I worked, I was doing something else part of the time.

My children are Home Educated, so not at school part of the day. One is below school age anyway.

Going to work didn't make me less of a parent. But I wasn't doing the parenting full-time.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Sat 07-Dec-13 11:48:27


I have a role like that, not the 50K, but our outgoings don't require 50k.
I am a sahm.

janey68 Sat 07-Dec-13 12:33:11

I don't think it's about getting wound up over a title. I think it's recognising that if we genuinely accept that going out to work or staying at home are both equally valid and don't make you a 'better' or 'worse' parent per se then you wouldn't even dream of starting such a thread never mind using such inflammatory wording. And while many people are perfectly comfortable with their choices, if you have respect for others you recognise that they don't always have a choice, and could find this sort of thing upsetting. If you don't want to work but have to financially, then it could be upsetting to you to read that some people think that makes you less of a parent or that your children are going to end up damaged in some way. Even though you know logically that's rubbish, it could be hurtful to read it

Likewise if you are a SAHP because you can't afford childcare or because you're struggling to get back into the workplace after time out, it would be hurtful to read threads which are started simply to undermine SAHP. Which is why it's unecessary to start such threads and you have to wonder about the motives

Doubletroublemummy2 Sat 07-Dec-13 12:44:50

It is each person choice you are right, being a mom involves sacrifice and it is for each of us to decide what we want to/can/can't sacrifice. Different peoples circumstances give them a different set of choices. I don't like the comments about as long as you don't claim benefits to do it, because in the same breath you may as well say, if your husband is on a good wage you should stay at home. It's judgemental, unnessecary and inacurate as the vast majority of our welfare bill goes on pensioners. Which ever you choose, it is a tough job and we should all be supportive of each other.

thenamestheyareachanging Sat 07-Dec-13 12:53:25

Agree Janey

Philoslothy Sat 07-Dec-13 12:56:40

I have a job that is moderately stressful , but pays 50k, all the holidays off and time off if the children are sick - although DH tends to take the time .

However I am coming to the realisation that actually my children need more time than perhaps I had realised. I am thinking about giving up work .

That is not a criticism of working mothers , but an acknowledgement that I am less of a superwoman than most other MNers and have something of a lazy streak so am tired of having it all.

Philoslothy Sat 07-Dec-13 12:56:59

Or doing it all in an attempt to have it all.

janey68 Sat 07-Dec-13 13:03:39

Oh I hate the phrase 'having it all'. It's meaningless. No one can have it all. What it is possible to achieve for many people, is a balanced life. That's a far more realistic aim than having it all

Philoslothy Sat 07-Dec-13 13:06:43

I suppose by having it all I meant a happy marriage , no money worries, fulfilling career and for me a large happy family.

We are very lucky to have all of that - however lately the happy family seems to be coming second a little too often .

I am also knackered, not helped my being pregnant with number five in the wrong side of 40 with awful sickness.

Philoslothy Sat 07-Dec-13 13:08:54

I must be very selfish because I don't want to sacrifice - and sacrifice isn't just for mothers .

If something has to go it will be the work because quite frankly I would rather be at home with my feet up.

I am very very lucky to have that choice - and it is not a choice I have always had.

Heartbrokenmum73 Sat 07-Dec-13 15:20:11

I'm a SAHM - have been for 9 long years now. And what pisses me off on these threads is the sheer smugness from the SAHM's who 'choose' that and can afford it and, most importantly, enjoy it.

I've hated every bloody minute of it. But with three young dc, we worked out that we would have been seriously out of pocket on childcare costs if I got another job after I was made redundant, as there was no one to help out with childcare.

Now, I live by my family and am desperately trying to get back into work. I've never in all my time as a parent (three years working, 9 years not) judged anyone for going out to work, full-time or part-time. It does not make them any less of a Mother. They are still a 'full-time' Mum, whether some people believe that or not.

My DSis works full-time, Mon-Fri, and my DN goes to nursery Mon-Fri. She is still his full-time Mum.

And yes, I would also question the school thing. Who is doing the 'Mothering' while dc are at school? Do you become a redundant person for those hours?

Pagwatch Sat 07-Dec-13 15:39:43


I m at home. I am lucky to chose what I want to do. I am lucky to be able to afford it. I enjoy my life enormously.
I am not sure I am smug though.
I only ever say those things in discussions on here. I am certainly no different in my parenting thn I was when I was working full time.

Philoslothy Sat 07-Dec-13 15:52:54

I would be a better parent if I was at home full time because I would not be tired, I would not be saying , "yes in a minute" all the time and I could give them more time .

Pagwatch Sat 07-Dec-13 16:14:17

Well maybe Philoslothy but when I was working I was more efficient and I was modelling for my dc the idea that women have careers and choices rather than now where I explain it and discuss it in a sort of abstract way.

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it?

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