Mornings and DS

[MandatoryMongoose]

DH works 4 days a week in a very undemanding / low stress job. I'm currently on mat leave with DS (9mths), we also have DD (14yrs). Household responsibilities are pretty fairly split in general, DH maybe does a little more housework than me but I tend to do more bits and pieces (shopping, managing finances, school stuff, arranging holidays etc.) so I think it balances out.

The issue is, DH works from 12pm -10:30pm and in his opinion should get to stay in bed until the last possible minute before he needs to set off (so gets up around 11:30am) because he has to work and then on days when he doesn't work thinks he should get a lie in because it's his day off .

I think that the time he's actually at work, DS is totally my job but the time he's at home it should be 50/50 including him doing 50% of mornings even if he does have to go to work later on that day.

DS is usually asleep before DH gets home so he does no childcare then and I'm usually asleep not long after. I also do all night time childcare, though that's getting less at last! DH tends to stay up, watching stuff or playing computer games until 1-2am. Staying up later / getting up later isn't an option for me and DS due needing to get DD up for school (she has an alarm clock but isn't terribly reliable even so) and we sometimes go to baby group in the mornings.

So, who's being unreasonable? Me or DH or somewhere in the middle?

(sorry it's so long, I have an unfortunate tendency to ramble)

[happydaze77]

YANBU. He's living like a teenager, not a husband and father.

[SteamWisher]

YANBU

What a tool.

[Joolsy]

I think that your DH should be getting up a bit earlier on the days he works to help. If he's too tired to get up earlier then maybe he could go to bed a bit earlier. However it sounds like he's hardly seeing the children on the days he's working. That doesn't seem fair on them. He's being quite selfish.

[KerwhizzedMyElf]

I think he should be doing more. I agree that he could do 50% of the mornings. He can choose then to stay up late and play games the night before or go to bed earlier and just have his gaming nights when you are doing your 50% mornings.

[rubyslippers]

i would be going ballistic

seriously

do you get a lie in or a day off?? Doesn't sound like it

why do you get to do all the grunt work of school runs etc plus the night wakings

YANBU

[InTheRedCorner]

The time he finishes work has nothing to do with his lack of support, his staying up till 2 am thus needing a lie in is the problem.

Is he 15?

[CaptainSweatPants]

What work does he do ? Is it physical? 12pm to 10.3pm it's a long shift , I'd be bloody knackered after that, If it's bar work he'll be on his feet all day

[MandatoryMongoose]

That's interesting, I thought I was maybe being a bit mean - obviously not!

Aside from between 7-11am he's really very good and I certainly don't begrudge him the odd late night to relax after work but I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable.

I do get breaks when he's off work, to go see friends or just to have a nice long bath or whatever (in the afternoon / evening) and very very rarely he'll get up on a day off so I can stay in bed. It would just be nice to have an extra pair of hands around more often or a lie in once a week or so.

[DirtyDancingCleanLiving]

12 till 10.30 is not a night shift. I've worked many shift like this and you go to bed by 11.30 and get up in the morning at 7.30.

There is no reason for him to stay in bed until 11.30! Yanbu op.

[DirtyDancingCleanLiving]

It's not that long really...I work 9.30 - 8.30 3 days a week. Many people gasp at an 11 hour day but you just get used to it and it becomes no more tiring than someone else's 8 hour day.

[IneedAwittierNickname]

Is your dh my ex?
Yanbu

[MandatoryMongoose]

Captain, he works in a bookies, not a very busy one, he spends most of his time at work sitting behind the counter chatting to whoever he's working with. He sometimes has a stressful day if it's been very busy or something but it's not physically demanding and the stressful days are pretty rare.

[SecretRed]

I used to work in a bookies and did similar shifts. I finished at 9.30 though getting home around 10ish. I found it impossible to go to bed before midnight as I needed that time to wind down as my brain was still active iykwim.
That said though I had to do mornings too as dp went to work at 8 so no choice really.

[jeanmiguelfangio]

As reference my DH works all sorts of different shifts, and one includes 12-10pm. He is on those shifts this week. He has got up with our 9m DD every day and let me stay in bed an extra hour. He leaves for work at 11am.

[Xmasbaby11]

That would really annoy me.

I think it's fair enough he goes to bed midnight plus as he needs to wind down after work. But he could go to bed 1am and still get up at 8 or 9 most days! 7 hours sleep is plenty for a grown adult. I think it's lazy to stay in bed all morning and also a shame he doesn't see much of the kids.

YANBU!

[Shallistopnow]

Sounds like my arsehole of a partner. Stays up to a ridiculous hour watching films then thinks he deserves a lie-in. Works Mon-Fri 9-5 & gets up at the latest possible time. Hardly speaks to us and is usually grumpy. I've given up trying to get him up on weekends cos I don't want him around anyway. Hate Sundays