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To be annoyed at my mum for being annoyed at me?

(69 Posts)
luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 14:20:02

My mum is annoyed at me because today is the first anniversary of my grandads death and i dont want to travel an hour and a half to light a candle where he is scattered. DD is 4 months so I dont want to travel too far with her and I have an in laws christmas meal tonight. My mum is fuming as she doesnt think i should be celebrating christmas on this day. Firstly its DDs first christmas so im really excited and secondly I respect that my mum wants to head up there, why cant she respect that i just wanted to say a prayer for him this morning and forget?

LickingMyWounds Mon 02-Dec-13 18:31:02

But the OP might be vulnerable too and need to deal with it in her own way. Her mum needs to be sensitive to that too. The OP might be putting a brave face on it.

DixieWest Mon 02-Dec-13 18:27:06

I will add that if my mother had lost her father and was grieving and she made it clear that this was an important day for her I would absolutely be there no fucking questions. I can imagine my mother would need my support, a year is absolutely nothing when you've been close to someone your entire life, she is probably vulnerable and in need of support, I think you're being pretty selfish not to go. Yes your dad is with her, but I can imagine she'd like you to be there too.

LickingMyWounds Mon 02-Dec-13 16:49:11

Hi. It's a year today since my dad died. I was mightily relieved that no one wanted to mark the day. I've been pottering around, buying bits for Christmas and taking it a bit more easy than usual. It's on my mind but I want to move forward, not fall apart at every milestone. It's a personal thing. You might have found a ceremony upsetting. I would. But because I've been able to tiptoe through the day, it's been okay really. I haven't even mentioned it to my son, he's excited about Xmas and I'm not sure if he's remembered the day but I don't feel a need to remind him.

WorrySighWorrySigh Mon 02-Dec-13 16:32:40

Marking the date is a hugely personal thing.

I very deliberately did not mark the date that my DF died. Though I was with him at the time and have very clear memory of the days leading up to his death and the day of his death (he was nursed at home at the end).

The thing was that I knew that I wouldnt want to mark the day in the future so deliberately avoided knowing the date.

I would not be happy if my brother decided that I should mark the date the way he wanted to.

Seff Mon 02-Dec-13 11:51:47

I think that the first year after somebody has died is the hardest, because of all the "milestones". After that, it does start to get easier.

YANBU to say you are unable to go, but equally your mum INBU for wanting her family around her on the first anniversary.

I also don't think grief is a standard thing. You can stop grieving for somebody but an anniversary can bring it all back. She may not be annoyed at you for long.

mamapants Mon 02-Dec-13 09:36:14

I don't really understand not wanting to be there for my mum if she wanted me to be there. Its totally alien to me. If my mum wanted me with her on one day a year for eternity for any reason then I would do that.
If I knew my mum was upset and would appreciate family support why wouldn't I do so.
We spent a whole day travelling with a 4mth old for my grandads funeral which I know is different to an anniversary but if my family needs support then we give it.

fluffyraggies Mon 02-Dec-13 09:16:13


Had they been adults at the time, I certainly wouldn't have expected my DDs to grieve in the same way as me at the anniversary of their grandad - my father's - death.

If it was the OPs father that had died a year ago, and his mum wanted him by her side for that first anniversary then that's more understandable i think. However this is OPs grandad. He feels he wants to remember his grandad in a different, less graphic, way.

My dear dad passed away 5 years ago. My mum is very into going to his ashes burial site for birthdays and xmas, to lay flowers. She (and he, in fact, when he was alive) always said that when a person passes they are gone, and that attachments to a physical time or place associated with their death was maudlin, and not for them.

She has changed her mind it seems, and that's fine. But at the 2/3 year period after his passing i sensed a bit of upset at the fact that i wasn't turning up at to lay flowers regularly. She has stopped mentioning it lately.

I too like to remember my dad in my own way - as a strong, happy, dependable father. Not the damp patch of ground where we all wept 5 years ago. Grief is a personal thing and an individual should be alowed to express it their own way without being made to feel guilty.

firesidechat Mon 02-Dec-13 08:34:50

I know that it's only a small minority of posters, but I'm quite amazed at those who think going out on the anniversary of a death is somehow disrespectful. I loved my grandparents so much and they were a big part of my life, but they died a very long time ago now and I couldn't tell you what the dates of their deaths were.

I know that my mum's mother died at Christmas because I spent Christmas Eve with my mum getting the death certificate and organising the funeral and I also know that my mum was a bit sad at Christmas for a few years afterwards. Thankfully she would find a candle lit ceremony very strange indeed, so that's one thing I've never had to worry about. We tend to remember their lives and pretty much ignore the sad circumstances of their deaths.

Of course I fully support your mum's need to mark this date in her own way, but you are being perfectly reasonable in not wanting to join her. I would hate it too.

diddl Mon 02-Dec-13 07:07:58

Perhaps for your mum it's the two things-not only not going, but also that you are having a night out iyswim.

I suppose she sees it as disrespectful.

She can't help how she feels, but it's up to her how she grieves, & up to you how you do.

Trooperslane Mon 02-Dec-13 06:33:57

Agree with Lego.

Joysmum Mon 02-Dec-13 00:18:13

I'd have gone. I don't see car journeys as too arduous and I'd want to be there to support my mum if she'd lost her dad. I wouldn't see it as my mum wanting to force me to grieve her way, just see it as helping her to grieve her loss her way. I'd put her needs before mine.

haveyourselfashandy Sun 01-Dec-13 22:55:21

I would have gone.I would have wanted to be there for my mum but reading your posts I understand why you didn't go.Marking the day would be important to me too but I don't think many people feel the same.I'm abit weird like that.

IWishYouWould Sun 01-Dec-13 22:36:52

nope YANBU. Sorry for your sad day. Your mum needs to respect your right to remember your GF in your own way. I hope your evening has helped.

strugglinginsilence Sun 01-Dec-13 20:50:10

Ummm LtE but you do. This is a terrible time of year for people who are grieving and you make it sound so superficial and glib. My point was simply nobody should judge/be annoyed by how people grieve. You don't have to agree/go along with but don't criticise.

It is far too sensitive an issue for this forum where people seem to think blowing raspberries at people who are suffering is OK!?!?!

liquidstate Sun 01-Dec-13 19:13:43

I don't think you were unreasonable. People grieve and remember the dead in different ways. Your mum was not alone. You are not uncaring for missing this (and am blowing a big raspberry at the posters who have said so).

Do make a point of seeing your mum soon though.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 01-Dec-13 19:04:37

You were quite right to stand your ground on that one as well, OP!

luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 19:00:19

LtEveDallas i dont think you are harsh or insensitive in any way you seem to have the same mindset as me. Id rather think of good times when he was here than bad times now because he is not. BetterCasual1 DM and i do clash quite often as were both quite strong minded. To make it worse we both suffer from depression so small arguments get blown out of proportion (not blaming her as sometimes i go too far too) an example would be her getting annoyed that i didnt want to have his name somewhere in DD's name so he lives on, donald is hardly a girls name.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 01-Dec-13 18:47:50

I think this is an unfortunate clash between two ways of grieving. Your mother's is very literal - she wants to be. at the place where your grandfather's ashes were scattered and keep a candle lit for the time that medical staff were trying to revive him. You don't feel the same need to be physically present and that should be respected. Also. this is your grandfather, but your mother's father which makes quite a difference in the level of mourning. The only really valid reason for you going would be to support your mother but , as your father is going, I can see why you don't feel you have to go too.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are choosing to spend the day - I actually think it is very healthy. You have a baby girl. - your mother's granddaughter - and you are looking to the future. In the midst of death, there is life and it is right to celebrate it.

LtEveDallas Sun 01-Dec-13 18:47:40

Umm struggling, I don't think there is any need for but you should remember your beliefs are fine for you but can come across as crass and insensitive to others.

That's why I apologised. Being 'crass and insensitive' is NEVER my aim. I am well aware that some people have other views, and they are entitled to them. I just don't agree. Grieve, mourn, do whatever makes you feel better, but don't expect others to feel the same.

It seems OP feels the same as me. Remember the BEST bit of the person you loved and lost, not the worst.

parttimer79 Sun 01-Dec-13 18:04:44

I was extremely close to all my grandparents. They would all think I'd lost the plot if I designated the anniversary of their death an official day of mourning.
I respect anyone's wishes when it comes to how they mourn, but they should also respect my right not to participate. Can't believe how prissy and self righteous some posters are on here!

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Dec-13 18:04:30

I don't think you are unreasonable. She has your dad with her. She shouldn't be dictating what you should be doing or how you should be feeling.

A trip that far with a baby is a long way. Especially if you are just coming straight back again.

strugglinginsilence Sun 01-Dec-13 18:02:54

Apologies Luigiwin but I still think it is unreasonable to be annoyed with anyone about how they feel when they are grieving. This applies to your mother as well but sometimes you have to accept families differ but that does not mean anyone is in the wrong.
LtEveDallas you are entitled to your views but you should remember your beliefs are fine for you but can come across as crass and insensitive to others. Unless you have some unique insight into what happens when people die you cannot say anything is certain.

luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 18:02:19

MerryChristmasMollyhoo its not that it makes me uncomfortable but as i said in my last post thats not who he was to me.

luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 17:59:08

Oh LtEveDallas that is the point that im trying to make, grandad was great but i want to remember him as he was the last time i saw him on my 18th birthday, winding me up about my facial peircings, saying theyre for girls, that was grandad to me, not a hill and a candle.

MerryChristmasMollyHooper Sun 01-Dec-13 17:56:16


Does the whole candle thing make you uncomfortable?

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