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To be annoyed at my mum for being annoyed at me?

(69 Posts)
luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 14:20:02

My mum is annoyed at me because today is the first anniversary of my grandads death and i dont want to travel an hour and a half to light a candle where he is scattered. DD is 4 months so I dont want to travel too far with her and I have an in laws christmas meal tonight. My mum is fuming as she doesnt think i should be celebrating christmas on this day. Firstly its DDs first christmas so im really excited and secondly I respect that my mum wants to head up there, why cant she respect that i just wanted to say a prayer for him this morning and forget?

HoHolepew Sun 01-Dec-13 16:31:28

I agree the candle being lit for the length of time it took to try to resuscitate him is a bit odd.

pictish Sun 01-Dec-13 16:31:42

Or what happydaze said....

mrsjay Sun 01-Dec-13 16:33:15

I dont think the candle is weird or anything it is just the same as visiting a graveside to put flowers down but the op had other plans today , life does go on and the op didnt want to go there is nothing wrong in that, I am sure she remembers her granddad very well in her own way

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 01-Dec-13 16:34:15

I find the notion of it being ok to not go but expected to sit in reverent mourning a bit off to be honest.

Remembering doesn't have to be surrounded by sadness or ritual - especially if it means nothing to the person being asked to do it in that way. How many times do you hear people say they want everyone to have a massive piss up at their funeral? There's very few people who relish the idea of being remembered with sadness.

Grief is for the living to process a person no longer with them, it's not fair to force that on someone whose already processed their initial hurt.

everlong Sun 01-Dec-13 16:37:10

I would have gone too.

A 4 month old baby can travel 90 mins without any drama.

You come across as selfish and quite uncaring in your posts.

flaire Sun 01-Dec-13 16:41:26

The Victorians had a very complex system of mourning periods. For a husband, mourning had to be a minimum of eighteen months. For a parent, one year. For a grandparent, three months.

Even by Victorian standards, you are no longer in 'official' mourning for your grandfather. You are allowed to enjoy a meal of good cheer with your in-laws.

Your mother is being unreasonable to demand you grieve in her manner with a ceremony and take the huff when you don't.

CustardOmlet Sun 01-Dec-13 16:46:05

Everyone grieves their own way, your mum needs to respect that you don't need to go to his ashes to think about him. Personally I am anti graves and would rather celebrate a life on their birthday than grieve their death.

MrsCakesPremonition Sun 01-Dec-13 16:46:14

I thought the things about candles, is that you can light one for someone wherever you are.

Tell your mum you will light a candle at home and think of your DG in your own way.

strugglinginsilence Sun 01-Dec-13 16:50:57

Whilst I understand not wanting to go I cannot understand why you cannot show a little more empathy for her. How would you feel if it was your DF who had died and your DC said 'sorry but celebrating with the in-laws'. YANU not to go but very unreasonable to be so callous towards your mother's feelings.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 01-Dec-13 17:00:53

I didnt see callousness in the OP.

The thing is this isnt the OP's parent but her Grandparent. In family terms it is a whole step away.

strugglinginsilence Sun 01-Dec-13 17:07:25

I agree but that is no reason to be annoyed at your mother because she is upset and wants the support of her family. It is the 1st December so the idea of first Christmas is a little weak as a defense. Not going is fine being annoyed at your mother for being upset is not. Plus some of us really love/loved our grandparents and mourn them. It is not a relationship to be dismissive about.

paxtecum Sun 01-Dec-13 17:17:06

I don't see any callousness either.

Do we all have a day of mourning on our GPs anniversary?
That could add up to eight days of mourning each year with our DPs grandparents too.

Sorry, I'm being facetious, but really?

diaimchlo Sun 01-Dec-13 17:22:14

Of the OP's mum feels it appropriate to embrace her grief on a date that is significant to her, then that is her choice.
She may not expect or hope to force the same onto her daughter.


People grieve in their own way.

drudgetrudy Sun 01-Dec-13 17:22:58

Going against the grain here but I think your Mum is being a bit selfish. She has your Dad to support her and personally I would hate the sort of ceremony she is planning. Would your Grandad really want this? She is entitled to grieve in her own way and so are you. I would have gone to spend time with her if she had been alone but yanbu

luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 17:30:18

Just to point out, im her son grin and a few of you think im harsh or callus, thats the only way i can get through to my mum, i miss grandad loads as i know she does but the date is unmoveable due to work commitments and was booked weeks ago without even thinking that it would clash with this day. My mum is great with making people feel guilty for not doing things her way and it makes me feel pressured to do things that she wants me to.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 01-Dec-13 17:37:15

Oops,sorry luigiwin! It still doesnt mean that I think you are being unreasonable though. Yes, I know that guilt-trip feeling. Ultimately it has the opposite effect from the one my DM wants as I find myself automatically thinking up reasons for not doing anything my DM wants me to do.

LtEveDallas Sun 01-Dec-13 17:45:13

I'm sorry, but I think your mum is BU. She is quite entitled to mourn for her father in whatever way she wishes, but she cannot force those wishes on others. A candle could have been lit anywhere, it didn't need to be in that specific place - that is NOT where her father is, he won't be there and he won't know she is doing it.

Life is for the living. I actually think a Christmas meal, with the in-laws and a new baby is a lovely way to mark the day. If she was so inclined OP could have raised a glass at the meal for 'Absent friends and family' and taken a minute to remember her grandfather. But what her mum is suggesting I think is overkill.

Is OP supposed to never make plans for 1st December again? What would happen if she had another child that happened to be born on that day, would mother say they couldn't have a birthday party ever?

I'm sorry, I know my views on death/funerals/memorials are pretty harsh, and I apologise to those that feel these things more deeply than me, I mean no offence. But maybe OP is similar to me, and doesn't need to mourn like this.

LtEveDallas Sun 01-Dec-13 17:48:20

Oh apologies luigiwin, I shouldn't have assumed blush

luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 17:55:52

LtEveDallas thats okaygrini know its mumsnet and im a dad but there is only one dads site and its utter pants.

MerryChristmasMollyHooper Sun 01-Dec-13 17:56:16


Does the whole candle thing make you uncomfortable?

luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 17:59:08

Oh LtEveDallas that is the point that im trying to make, grandad was great but i want to remember him as he was the last time i saw him on my 18th birthday, winding me up about my facial peircings, saying theyre for girls, that was grandad to me, not a hill and a candle.

luigiwin Sun 01-Dec-13 18:02:19

MerryChristmasMollyhoo its not that it makes me uncomfortable but as i said in my last post thats not who he was to me.

strugglinginsilence Sun 01-Dec-13 18:02:54

Apologies Luigiwin but I still think it is unreasonable to be annoyed with anyone about how they feel when they are grieving. This applies to your mother as well but sometimes you have to accept families differ but that does not mean anyone is in the wrong.
LtEveDallas you are entitled to your views but you should remember your beliefs are fine for you but can come across as crass and insensitive to others. Unless you have some unique insight into what happens when people die you cannot say anything is certain.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Dec-13 18:04:30

I don't think you are unreasonable. She has your dad with her. She shouldn't be dictating what you should be doing or how you should be feeling.

A trip that far with a baby is a long way. Especially if you are just coming straight back again.

parttimer79 Sun 01-Dec-13 18:04:44

I was extremely close to all my grandparents. They would all think I'd lost the plot if I designated the anniversary of their death an official day of mourning.
I respect anyone's wishes when it comes to how they mourn, but they should also respect my right not to participate. Can't believe how prissy and self righteous some posters are on here!

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