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To put on my knight's outfit and attack my DM with a sword because she said 4 is old enough to wipe my own bottom?

(78 Posts)
BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:45:15

I have a good arrangement with my DM, DF, DSis, DBs and indeed any other random people in the locality. I do a poo, they wipe me very nicely while I do a perfectly executed downward dog yoga position in the bathroom as my helpful contribution to the process. So far this has worked well as a hygiene strategy.

Only today things changed.

My DM offered instruction in how to rip off loo paper, how to fold loo paper, and how to reach my arm behind so I can wipe my own bottom. Then she told me to get on with it.

I was disgusted.

Poo is smelly and stinky, I told her, so this should be her job. My arms are too short.

She just laughed and told me to get on with it again.

I was not having that, so I put my entire foam knight's outfit on, got on my hobbyhorse and went into the sitting room armed with my foam sword to teach her a lesson. I was very cross. I rubbed my sword on her neck quite hard.

She just laughed and told me my bottom slaves were not going to do this for me any more. Sword or no sword.

Any amount of crying and protesting failed to work. I am concerned this neglect will continue. WWYD? WIBU?

SootikinAndSweep Sun 01-Dec-13 12:25:05

You are all amateurs. The way to get your DM's attention is to do your poo, don't wipe (of course), leave pants and trousers behind in the bathroom then sit on the sofa. That will focus her mind good and quick.

I know this and I am only three and a half.


ICameOnTheJitney Sun 01-Dec-13 12:28:00

YANBU of course. This is disgusting behaviour on the part of your Mother....obviously she's gaslighting you because my tomorrow she will be telling you that you're "her baby" and other things of that ilk.

My advice is next time she tries this on, let her know who is boss...go limp and "boneless" and let her do it.

feelingood Sun 01-Dec-13 12:29:45

Just wait until you have mastered that - then you will have to clean yu r poo marks inside the toilet too. You dirty little poo bum you.

SteamWisher Sun 01-Dec-13 12:35:48

Mmmmm well you could try wrapping your entire arm in loo paper using a whole roll of bog paper. Works for me.

I don't understand why DM gets so cross about it, especially when I'm extra helpful putting it all down the toilet when done.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 12:37:28

A sticker chart has appeared in the fridge with my name on it. What is she up to now?

Badvoc Sun 01-Dec-13 12:45:18

Well done mini boff
These uppity serfs must be taught a lesson!

gaggiagirl Sun 01-Dec-13 12:48:04

GaggiaTot here.

Here is what I do.....simply ask for a square of toilet paper whilst sitting on the toilet and push it between your legs so it falls straight into the toilet having only touched your thighs.

Your mam will be fooled by it and convinced you have wiped your own bum.

My mammy falls for it every time.

sapfu Sun 01-Dec-13 12:50:00

poo yourself
best remove knight outfit first

you are a knight that says 'no!'

Oh, and eat the stickers.

HamAlive Sun 01-Dec-13 12:51:18

Just do what I do. Shout "muuuuuuuuuuuum" ocer and over until she comes upstairs, then bend over, thrust your bum at her and demand "wipe my bum". She does it because the threat of me rubbing my pooey bum on her is too much grin

Mini Ham, aged 2y9m.

NotAQueef Sun 01-Dec-13 12:53:42

You fools, stay in nappies like me!
I turned 3 on Friday and like to mock my Mummy by demanding the potty, sotting on it for an hour (producing nothing) then doing a great big poo/wee in a nice clean fresh nappy. I see no reason to rock the boat at this stage. She doesn't know that I sometimes wee in the potty at nursery.


leonardofquirm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:54:25

I like to say that I don't want a mummy anymore, that seems to get her.

I pretend to be interested in poo wiping lessons, but don't ever try really.

I'm too busy trying to get them to hold my willy for me in an attempt to avoid hand .

Mini ofquirm

Salmotrutta Sun 01-Dec-13 12:54:52

TruttaGrandChild here - apparently I'm supposed to learn how to use a potty hmm

Please help.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 01-Dec-13 12:55:25

The kitten here, take a leaf from my book no one has been near my bottom since I was three, it is private I did not want some adult wiping round there - they tried on occasions saying I had not done it properly.
The getting dressed thing if you do it yourself you can wear what you like the adults are just sooooo delighted you are wear clothes. I once wore a Snow White costume for an entire week.
What gets me is do they not understand I am big enough to do everything.

leonardofquirm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:57:29

Hand washing.

Stupid Mummy's phone.

thecatlikesmebest Sun 01-Dec-13 12:58:56

Best to do it in your pants and squish it about a bit, then she will be grateful she only has to wipe your bum and not your whole bottom half.

gertrudetrain Sun 01-Dec-13 12:59:27

The following convoconvo just worked for me:

'Muuuuuum, wipe my bumbum' (mum is downstairs in the sofa hungoverpoorly.

No sshe says, do it yourself.

'But you always tell me not to touch my bottom when I'm scratching it on the sofa. I'm just doing as I'm told.'

She came and wiped it and said I was too clever for my own good. Result.



SilverApples Sun 01-Dec-13 13:03:24

I once spent ages and ages in the loo, and when my mummy came to find out what I was doing, I gave her a mouse, carefully sculpted with ears and a tail and everything.
I was very, very cross and upset when she flushed it, I was going to call her Mousey and she would have been my pet.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 15:10:39

grin Silver

Gilbert and George must have started off their careers doing that. grin

I have been told I can choose a comic if I get a lot of stickers on my chart. Damn the woman! I now like the idea. She does this every time!

Mamagiraffe Sun 01-Dec-13 15:28:16

babygiraffe here... 2 words- ghost poo, keep her guessing and surprise attack when she least expects ;-) hth

Rufustherednosedreindeer Sun 01-Dec-13 17:02:51

You need to work harder, my daddy was still wiping my poo bum when I was well over 9

Even though my mummy kept telling him not do it and that I should be doing it myself...I showed her!!!!!

Rufus number 2 (that is not a pun I am child number 2 grin)

JennyOnAPlate Sun 01-Dec-13 17:13:33

The trick is to make such an awful mess of it that your mummy never lets you near your own bum again. I'm talking poo under the fingernails messy, and a blocked toilet to boot.

Littleplate age 3.10

capercaillie Sun 01-Dec-13 17:15:13

Can I join in? I'm 4 too. My mum says she is going to take the potties away. I am too small to get on the toilet and I fall in it. Besides, I can't sit for an hour on the toilet playing with the octonauts. If we gang up together, we can write a book and tell them they are wrong wrong wrong.

Little miss capercaillie.

Ps mummy was laughing so much that I managed to get phone. Weird.

SuffolkNWhat Sun 01-Dec-13 17:34:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreThenNoMore Sun 01-Dec-13 17:36:43

MiniOneMore here; this is neglect, surely?

My tip is to start doing it in your pants, then they'll be grateful when you make it onto the potty in time for half an hour, whilst playing with your toys All thoughts of teaching you to get yourself upstairs to the toilet will quickly disappear.

They know that I manage to do it all by myself at nursery but they can't figure out why I keep having accidents at home wink


BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 17:51:05

<arf> at privy of the stool! grin

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