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Exp DNA tested our Dc behind my back

(84 Posts)
bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 11:21:00

I am beyond angry that exp ordered a DNA testing kit from the Internet on our then 7 year old and took a swab from his mouth.This was done on a contact visit and I have just found out what he had done, dc now is ten, im so upset and raging that he did this to dc.
I dread to think what my dc was thinking "why is daddy doing this".
His then girlfriend at the time was putting doubts into his head that dc looked nothing like him and that's why he did it. Surely this is not right behind my back.

fifi669 Sun 01-Dec-13 12:19:58

If he had concerns it is ok he did it. It's a casual mouth swab not a major operation. He has as much right to do such a procedure as you. From your DCs view, they prob remember nothing and it hasn't affected them at all.

I would be a bit pissed off that my integrity was questioned and he felt the need to, not that he'd actually done it if you see what I mean.

He sounds like a cock anyway.

SilverApples Sun 01-Dec-13 12:21:43

So you are in contact with a woman who regularly questioned your son's parentage in front of him?

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 12:28:07

At that point I didn't know this. It's a weird situation because of what has happened to her in the fact that he had beaten her up very badly and I thought that I could support her. We are both scared of him and I guess we could relate to each other because he is very controlling.
It's been very disturbing hearing a lot of things from her that took place in their relationship and how he treated ds.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 01-Dec-13 12:28:55

Are you sure she's telling the truth?

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 12:42:12

I thought that she may not be telling the truth. But what has she to gain by lying? They are not together anymore. Did she want to get it off her chest now that we are on speaking terms for the minute as I now want to distance myself from her. In my mind it was a very sly thing to do by the both if them. Then she tells me that she loved ds to bits!

AmberLeaf Sun 01-Dec-13 12:46:14

What is her motive for telling you this?

They require mother, child and alleged fathers swabs

No they don't.

namechangefornames Sun 01-Dec-13 12:47:41

Is that true about needing all three parties DNA?

RandomMess Sun 01-Dec-13 12:48:30

Why haven't you gone through the CSA for child maintenance btw?

AmberLeaf Sun 01-Dec-13 12:52:39

No it isn't true 8namechangefornames*

CoffeeQueen187 Sun 01-Dec-13 12:55:24

Not sure about needing swabs from all three parties, but, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to do a DNA test without the mothers consent. Surely the "father" can't sign as he doesn't know whether or not he is the father before getting the results

namechangefornames Sun 01-Dec-13 12:56:27

Thanks Amber.

caroldecker Sun 01-Dec-13 13:05:37

need someone with parental authority to consent here, so not just the mother

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 01-Dec-13 13:05:56

I don't know if it is illegal or not to test without the mother's permission - but it shouldn't be. If a man wants to check if he is the father or not, he should be able to.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 13:09:12

Would the ex be prepared to write a statement supporting her claims about your DS' father's treatment of him, and the arguments about paternity happening in his presence? Coupled with his abuse of you and her, I'd be looking at revisiting the court ordered contact, tbh.

I don't actually see much wrong with DNA testing on the quiet, if the child is never told. Better for the child than CSA ordered, which means the kid is very likely to learn one day that Dad doubted s/he was his. I think the treatment of the child would be my concern.

The exgf sounds a bit of a nightmare herself, really.

Noctilucent Sun 01-Dec-13 13:09:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk Sun 01-Dec-13 13:14:46

<<whisper>> I wouldn't have a single problem with it happening, maybe stuff that the father+gf said about it but not the testing itself. <<Shrug>>

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 13:20:56

He only doubted it because she said to him he's not yours in their arguments. He had never once doubted our child's parentage until she put it into his head and that's is what I'm angry about. We were together and no cheating on my part ever took place and it was not an issue between us. In my head its very hurtful that we made and brought a child into this world together out of love at the time, for him to do this.

HaroldTheGoat Sun 01-Dec-13 13:26:05

Also wondering why his ex would stir and say your son isn't his, and then come to you and say he got him tested when she was planting the seeds of doubt in his head?

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 13:27:29

But OP, you contacted the ex-gf yourself because you had such a low opinion of this bloke you wanted to support her as a fellow victim. And you don't even know if she's telling the truth about the DNA tests, either - or whether he did it to shut her up. You don't have any respect for him (from the sounds, very well-justified) and know he's an arse, so why are you shocked and hurt that he's been equally mistrusting of you? He's an arse, and they don't trust anyone anyway. Why does it matter that an abusive ex didn't think highly of you, other than it hurting your son? confused

HaroldTheGoat Sun 01-Dec-13 13:28:45

Thing is you had love at the time but now you have split up, so presumably it's no longer there. He had a seed of doubt and if left that could have caused worse problems than getting the test. And he proved the GF wrong so presumably if she tried to get at him by saying it he could shut her up with the proof.

The more honest thing to do would be approach you but that would have started world war three I expect, if you knew she was saying this stuff of course you would have been livid.

Tough one.

HaroldTheGoat Sun 01-Dec-13 13:30:08

I'd be way more concerned about him being abusive and paying no maintenance than doing a swab, that's low down in his list of flaws by the sound of things.

ShinyBauble Sun 01-Dec-13 15:03:03

The fact is, if they were arguing about his parentage right in front of him it's probably for the best that the test was done, because he would wonder otherwise.

You really let your son take his surname because you weren't married? My ex tried that. My reply was 'and whose fault is it we're not married?'

Is he in prison now? I would consider that a very good time to make a new start somewhere else. I wouldn't want an abusive arsehole anywhere near my child.

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 15:26:12

There was no need for him to take the test, as it was never an issue. He told me that ds was having his surname and not mine.
If he was in any doubt, seven years is a long time just because his girlfriend threw doubt into it.

fatlazymummy Sun 01-Dec-13 16:15:02

I would be angry too, because I'm not a liar or a cheat, and I wouldn't be happy to have that questioned by my ex's new partner. If he had doubts I would expect him to raise them with me, and we would do any necessary testing together.
Having said that, there's nothing you can do about it, so best just to move on.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 16:38:41

But it's not illegal to do that given he's his dad

Just for information, it is illegal for anyone to DNA test a child if they do not have proper legal parental responsibility for that child, in the absence of a court order

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